Oh, you poor baby. I understand what you are going through, I have been on and off antidepressants for many years, it's tough. Things that helped for a while stop working, then it's worse than before you started, it really does something to you that is hard to quantify or understand or explain to others, and your history of being in a cult only complicates things. I don't think people who have never been involved can ever understand how being in a cult warps your thinking and changes you.
But it's not hopeless, things do get better with time, they really do. It all doesn't go away when you realize, on an intellectual level, that it's not the truth, it takes time for your mind to rid itself of the effects of the mind control. In your case things are complicated by your medication issues, hopefully you will feel better as you adjust back to the meds.
I take an older class of antidepressants called tricyclics, which is used for chronic pain. I want to get off of them because a) they don't help the pain that much and b)they cause weight gain and I'm sick of carrying around these extra twenty pounds. I am going very slowly, so I don't go through any issues. It may take me six months, but that's OK. I know there will be challenges, but I am determined to see it through. In your case you don't want to do that, since you just back on them, but there are also adjustments in starting meds. It's really important to follow you doctors advice and report any problems. Be patient with yourself, give the meds time to work.
I am working really hard on keeping a positive mental attitude, I know that is crucial for me. I decided that I w ould act happy, even if I didn't feel happy, I am going on the "fake it till you make it" philosophy, lol. It really works. It's not that you are not aware of your problems, it's that you make a conscious decision to be happy anyway. Studies show that smiling, even if you are not happy to begin with, can make you feel happier. I also take time to be grateful for what I do have. Gratitude is an attitude, as they say. I have this horrible medical condition that won't kill me but makes my life pretty miserable sometimes, but I also have a loving husband and a nice home and no money worries, so I am very grateful for that. It's important to put things into perspective no matter what our circumstances. We all could still be stuck in the cult, it's so great that we woke up, right?
Meditation has been very helpful for me. Fifteen minutes a day helps me be calmer, more organized, and happier. It's well worth the time spent. There are a million ways to meditate, they all work, so it's not important which way you do it, just that you do it. I like to put on soothing music, I use Pandora and created a station called "meditation by the sea". I like nature sounds, so that works for me. I consciously relax my body, close my eyes and breath in through my nose, out through my mouth. I visualize a peaceful place, like the beach, I imagine the sights, the smell of the salt air, the whoosh of the waves. As thoughts intrude I gently dismiss them and refocus on my place. It takes time to get good at it, but eventually you will be able to get into a relaxed state very quickly. The practice of meditation is transformative, you will basically be rewiring your brain. At first you will experience vivid dreams, although that goes away eventually.
I have also found journaling to be helpful. I write a page a day, just random thoughts, whatever pops into my head. Julia Cameron, in the Book The Artists Way, recommends this for anyone who wants to be creative. Getting all the junk in your head out on a page helps you clear your mind and allow the creativity to flow. Even if you are not an artist, we all need to be creative in our lives in some way. Eventually you will notice a pattern in your writing, it can help you see what has been holding you back, what things are bothering you.
I am also starting a mindfulness practice. Several times a day I stop and take in the moment instead of thinking about my chore list or my current worries. Sometimes we are so consumed with the future, o r our list of chores, or our problems in the past, that we forget to live in the now. As I write this my cat lizzie is in my arms. She likes to snuggle, so I take a few seconds and just enjoy that, the feel of her soft fur, the rumble of her purr, the tickle of her wiskers, the rasp of her tounge as she licks my cheek, her warmth. These few seconds of enjoying the moment are very healing. I try to do moments like this several times a day.
I hope you find some part of this to be helpful. I know it's hard to see it right now, but things will get better. Please feel free to PM me if you have any questions or just want to vent.
Lisa
