16-year-old JW daughter doesn't want to visit, I have visitation rights

by BetterGuyNow 50 Replies latest members private

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  rebel8

  I don't know if this helps, but when I was forced to be a jw, I loved my dad a secretly wished he would get a divorce and take me away with him. I wished that with my entire soul. Yet I talked the jw party line--I want to go to Bethel, Armageddon is coming, etc. I said most of those things because I had to (my communications with the evil unbeliever were monitored and I was beaten if I said anything negative about dubs). The rest of the things I said were because I was brainwashed.

  Hang in there.
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  Mum

  It is likely that, at some time in the future, your daughter will be in a situation that will make her realize that she's missed out on something by not having a relationship with her dad. Just be there for her when she's ready. Make sure you always know where she is and that she always knows how to contact you.

  I left my JW elder husband for mental health reasons in 1979, took my daughter, and moved far away. She wanted to go back to everything she knew, so I allowed her to. SO, her dad used her as a pawn because he knew how much I missed her and that I had let her go because I still believed the JW crap for two more years, and considered him the "head" of her. I moved back nearer to her, and her dad would tell lies to keep me from seeing her ("We're going out of town," "She doesn't like where you live," etc.) When she was a teenager, she became pregnant and got married at 16. At that point, she needed me, not him. She wanted to go back to school and to college, so she left her teenage husband and she and her child came to live with me.

  We've been together (emotionally if not physically) ever since. Her dad barely speaks to her. It is years between her conversations with her dad. Life is not so cut-and-dried as the JW's would have children believe. It gets messy, and a young person needs real guidance and understanding.

  BTW, my daughter has a degree in Chemistry. She is married to a wonderful man, too. She has overcome! Yours probably will, too, but be patient.

  Best wishes!
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  Quandry

  Better Guy Now,

  Welcome to the forum. So glad you have found us. I know that you've been given good advice here. I would just add-go ahead and send cards to her-the Hallmark cutesy kind. Just tell here some of the things that you are doing, and that you love her, but don't push. This may just accomplish little twinges of missing you and keeping you in her thoughts. One day she may need you, and will feel that ties were never completely cut.

  I am also glad you have your friend who used to be "in." We all understand many of your frustrations and feelings. We don't all go through the same experiences, but have our own heart-wrenching ones due to being associated with the mighty Watchtower Corporation.

  Hang in there. Wishing you the best.
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  OnTheWayOut

  I don't have any good advice to add except this: You may need to see a counselor now before answering your daughter about whether it's okay not to visit or whether it should be forced or not.

  My heart aches when I read this kind of stuff. You may still have time to reach your daughter in many ways.
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  TrailBlazer04

  If its any consolation..my husband's daughters did the same thing at about the same age. They're both OUT of the JWs and don't have a lot to do with their mother the JW. We've managed to build a fantastic relationship with both girls...They've apologized over and over to their father about being such brats. All is forgiven and forgotten. It was tough for a few years, but don't give up, OK?
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  Crazyguy

  Maybe you can some how contact her and write about the bible and how Jesus never shunned anyone Matt 5 and said it was wrong. He also said not to judge or exalt ones self. You may also apeal to the love Jesus said to have for one another and how Paul said Love comes before faith Corth. 13:13

  You know your daughter better then anyone here but your going against her faith, so i would think the only way to counter this is using the bible, but I may be wrong..
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  BetterGuyNow

  The fact that nothing seems to be written in JW literature and the confused reaction I received when calling the Service Desk, I felt like I was alone, if not in a rare situation. But over and over I log on here and read of the very things happening to others. The membership on this site must be such a small percentage of those out of the organization, which makes me see how common a thing this really is.

  All of your posts have given me so much to think about. I have been in such anguish trying to figure out how to fight a beast with a stick. But when it comes to the genuine love between father and daughter, I'm realizing I can win the battle just by her knowing I'm willing to fight it. And maybe the results aren't immediate. Some have never received them back. Some have accepted humanity and returned to their ex-JW parent. Some take years, some are immediate.

  I will be contacting her this week letting her know where I stand as her father, not as a (former) Witness. I well let her know I am accepting of her choice, but I am here for her until she is ready. Knowing the great percentage of born-ins that leave is encouraging, and to read experiences of those who have already received their children back is bolstering as well.

  I will certainly keep you updated with responses, what works, what doesn't. I can't wait.
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  troubled mind

  Just my opinion ,but i would appeal to her ,Father /daughter , emotional bond . I would tell her exactly how her last message affected you . How much you love her and her visits . Tell her you only have two more yrs before she is off living as an adult ,and you don't want to miss a second of that time . LIfe is too short ,none of us know what will happen tomorrow, and as an Adult you understand this all to well .

  Don't give in to her request of no more visitation . At 16 I am sure she is recieving pressure to stand up as a bapitsed JW ,make a stand for Jehovah and all that . At her age this seems like she has to be a martyr .Some how reason with her that while she visits you have always supported her spiritual goals ,so why really does she not want to visit . Remind her how happy your family is when she is there ,WHY really does she not want to visit . You love her so much ,why REALLY does she not want to visit . She needs to consider these questions ...is she being pressured by others or is this really her idea .

  If all else fails to change her mind ,then yes drop it ,don't pressure her . Reassure her of your never ending affection and that she is always welcome back anytime .

  Sometimes Fathers make the mistake of not saying what is in their hearts to the people that need to hear it most . She needs to know .
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  troubled mind

  For what it is worth let me share my experience . Your daughter may be fighting cognitive dissonance . When I was a child my older brother was dissassociated .I remained in close contact with him because i was not baptised . We wrote each other ,and talked all through my adolescent age. After I was baptised and married at 18 ,I began to feel the pressure to cut myself off from him .

  The Watchtower uses reasoning like this : If you have a DF'd loved one that you are still in contact with ,it could be your fault that they are not returning to Jehovah . She may actually believe that if she shuns you ,then maybe that will change you and make you want to become a JW again . The conventions and Watchtower articles continually make digs that the Witness is unfaithful ,and not really loving if they don't follow the counsel to shun . This kind of reasoning drove me crazy ......I loved my brother so much ...but I was torn believing that if I followed the Watchtower reasoning (which was hard) I could posssibly make him want to be a Witness again . This thinking ,now I realize ,is delusional .

  You may need to talk with her and reassure her that your decision of not being a JW is your personal right ,and that whatever she does will not change that .
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  Separation of Powers

  BGN- Welcome

  My suggestion, give her time. Call her every week. If she doesn't speak to you, send her a card. Send her a singing telegram. Do something out of the ordinary. When you get the chance, talk about her plans for the future, education, travel. If she shows interest in either, there is the chance that you will be the normalcy that she needs. Does she want to travel? Take her to Hawaii or Paris, or Bermuda, or Disneyland. Make her time with you enjoyable so that she sees the hum-drum going nowhere Witness life is what it seems to be.

  Remember, She is being pulled away, probably not of her own accord. Forcing her to do anything might be too much and it will simply be used as ammunition by the ex. In time, hope that she will see the ORG for what it is.....and you will be that beacon of normalcy in the twisted-screwed up mindset that is the JW.