Involved with a JW woman

by jonza 130 Replies latest social relationships

  • jgnat

    For some balance, Blondie married a "worldly" guy. She has a world of wonderful qualities, which her future husband recognized. Now, her character and her influence scooped her new hubby in to the WTS, but he caught on. Now they are happily out together.

    I do agree that having children involved is a game-changer. Consenting adults can mess up their lives twenty times Sunday. But you want to keep your children free of that.

    Jonza, going in I thought faith would be enough to get my future husband out. I had no idea the kinds of coersion would work against me. I had no idea how much a JW will lie and deceive to survive. One story for me, another for the Kingdom Hall. It's a duplicitous life and I can't imagine the damage it does to the person's character. Heck, he lies to himself to this very day.

  • Powerful1

    I say do not marry her or date her until she is open about the relationship.

    I speak from experience. I was a confused indoctrinated JW that secretly dated and married a nonJW.

    My ex identified himself as a Christian, but was not very active (we were married for 15 yrs and he attended church twice). So he left the religion part up to me. I was not a strong witness at all, so I attended all of the meetings and some field service with my kids. I would let my kids participate in minor holidays (birthdays, Thanksgiving), but took a strong stance on major holidays (Christmas, Easter, etc.). Long and short my oldest was a little indoctrinated, and was confused with us training with both our beliefs. I left the religion (found out the truth was not the truth), then with anger, grief and all the things you go through when losing your religion, it took a toll on my marriage (when I was in made it very difficult with my husband) and took a toll on my oldest son. I left the religion when he was 10, but this kid still have some residual crap going on from the religion and he's now 27.

    I'm not the best at writing to express myself....but I'm letting you know from reading your situation. Your girlfriend sound very similiar to the screwed up young lady I was. And it's just unhealthy for any relationship to start with someone lying or hiding about their love for you. And for the love of God if you decide to marry her....please do not let you children ever step foot into a Kingdom Hall. I feel anyone that know that this religion is a cult and then knowingly let a child attend, it's willfully committing child abuse.

  • LivingTheDream


    My advice? If she cannot commit to exiting the religion permanently, then run! Run like the wind!

    You are fooling yourself if you think you can compromise. There is no "compromise" in the long term for any Jehovah's Witness.

    Either she stays a JW and practices the religion fully, or she exits and gets on with life outside of the religion. Anything short of those two extremes will result in misery for her, and then by extension, misery for you.

    Being "half-in", "part-time" or "compromised" in any way for a JW is no good because her elders and JW friends and family will tell her it's no good. The meetings and the literature she reads every day will tell her she is "luke warm" and will be vomited out of Jehovah's mouth. YOU will be the reason for her non-blessings in the congregation and for not being invited over to get-togethers. YOU will be the reason she has any "spiritual" problem in her faith from now on.

    Your hot passion will not make up for her ensuing feelings of guilt. She'll try to convert you and your children and get you to compromise more and more her way, in order to assuage that guilt.

    So, either get her to leave the religion completely or you need to leave her.

    Sorry bud, I wish it weren't so.

    Brock Talon

  • Outgoing454

    Well my friend, let me say never been a JW & never will be. Dated a born in female, was her first at many things. Fell in love, dated for four years as we kept it secret as she was afraid of getting caught. Had talked about marriage, I was susopsidly her world as she was mine.

    She wanted to leave and move out of her mothers and live together. After the 2012 convention we had a small argument, she was feeling guilty and told her mom. Her mom immediately went to the elders, had her quit her job as that is how we met. she talked with her mother about moving in with me and her mom's first words was what about me? What am I going to do? Followed by what are you going to do when he is tired of u, Christmas etc.even though I bought her items for her birthday and Christmas.

    Was not disfellowshipped but marked and part of the agreement to never speak with me again. I saw this woman's couple of weeks ago by accident at a place she worked. She looked at me and told a co worker I need to go to the back.

    I would strongly advise caution if she has family in before you end up in the same situation. The organization really has a grip on some very good people and it's sad that they put the organizTion before anything else in their life.

    Good luck my friend.

  • cultBgone

    Hi, Jonza - So glad you came to this forum as you recognized you would get solid advice from those who have survived the jw life. Good for you!

    Please read back over all the replies to your post and ask yourself this: how many of these people told me it would work?

    Pretty sure the answer is "zero". So ask yourself: why?

    And the answer to that is: Because we know better. We have lived through it. We wish it would work for you two but we know it just won't.

    Unless she loves you more than the religion, your relationship is doomed. You and your children will suffer and you will end up regretting that you ignored all the good advice you were given here.

    PLEASE, please, please...don't subject your children and any future children to this mess. You may think you can deal with the issues but you will end up hating this woman and her religion. Is that what you really want?

    If you have to keep this a "secret" and blah blah blah blah blah till she can get much are you going to hate the religion she is trying so hard to get back to? She is willing to toss it aside to get a husband, but then she goes back? Is that what you want, to be in second place all her life?

    Don't do it. Please don't do it. You have no possible concept of the misery that will ensue. Give it a break and STOP "being together" in your secret world for five hours a day. Come up for air! She is controlling you just like she's been controlled by her religion. Your head isn't clear, your thinking isn't clear. And this all seems so desperate for both of you.

    The right woman for you will be one who brings PEACE to your home, not disharmony.

    Please love yourself enough to give yourself and your precious children PEACE. I beg you to find that woman who brings you PEACE and LOVE.


  • Iown Mylife
    Iown Mylife

    Hello Jonza,

    Just want to chime in here, add my voice to the others who have told you the absolute and miserable truth about getting involved with a jw.

    I read where you have researched many websites; if you haven't checked out The Watchtower Files dot com yet, it's a good one with lots of info about marrying a jw - just have to read the articles and comments and you will find more people who say the exact same thing. A lot of discussion of mind control and the different effects of it.

    I'm 61 and just a few years out of the WT. I am just beginning to feel like I'm thinking for myself, after many months of working to deprogram. The deep roots of mind control planted in each and every jw are difficult if not impossible for anyone to understand who has not been subject to a cult like this.

    Being in love is like an addiction but if you can detach from emotional rationalization and look at facts, you will disentangle yourself and save the rest of your life from a predictable, profound negative turning point. I wish your children and you much health and happiness in freedom!


  • never a jw
    never a jw

    Tread slowly. Don't commit until you know that she has a good chance to be mentally out. The physical exit will follow.

  • kaik

    I would advise to be extra carefull and if she is deeply committed to WT and JW faith, run because you will only experience disappointment and headache. JW are masters in manipulations and distortions, and they studies these tactics in theocratic school. What they say and do is not necessary the same what they feel and they know what is right or wrong. She may try to win you to WT and create new JW family with your kids. Or she maybe doubtfull, but it is up to you to find. If she feels that WT is not the right place but she lacks a way to analyze it, you maybe the person to show way out and save her from decades of misery.

  • Iown Mylife
    Iown Mylife

    That phrase, she wants desperately to be with me. Very flattering to a man's ego. The surest way to catch a man is to make him feel like a man. The gal that can do that can overcome all objections.

    the situation reminds me of victim and rescuer. Being needed feels irresistible sometimes, but it isn't a sound foundation at all.


  • steve2

    Jonza, I understand. One of the down-sides to faith is its confusion with feelings. Hence you will finds it more helpful to seek help from humans than from the heavens. My help is not divine - it's a darn sight less complicated and not prone to being confused with feelings: If you care at all for your children and your sanity, end the relationship with this woman. Love is blind - but has a dreary habit of opening its eyes after the knot is tied.

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