HELP - A Guide to Fade

by cognitivedizzy 63 Replies latest jw friends

  • kairos

    I feel like I'm reading my own life story as I read some of the personal experiences.

    I met with ONE elder and said: "I no longer want to be a MS and I do not want to talk about it with anyone."

    They bought that.

    I later found the door and faded fast and deliberately.

    ps, choose you elder wisely. The one I selected had been "out" for 6 years himself preveiously, so he knew the feeling on a similar level.

  • Wild_Thing

    I originally posted this list on my 10 year anniversary of being out of the organization. I still think it is pretty good advice, so here it is again. I would love to make it a Top Ten List, but alas, I have only eight:

    * "Courage doesn't always roar" - Don't let anyone make you think you need to leave in some glorious, dramatic way. Sometimes the drama is unavoidable, but if you can avoid it, there is nothing wrong with leaving slowly and quietly. And there is no shame in closing your blinds and hiding in your bedroom until the elders leave your doorstep! :smile:

    * You don't have to try everything you were never allowed to do. If seems to me that those of us that were raised as a witness were like a spring being held down by a tight thumb. When we leave, the thumb comes off and the spring flies in every direction because ... it can! Release the spring slowly and don't try everything at one. And some things ... don't try at all!

    * You can't save your family. They have to save themselves. The more you try to convince them they are wrong, the more that their paranoia is fed about you being an evil apostate being controlled by Satan. You have to accept them being "in", if you have any hope of them accepting you for being "out". They will leave when they're ready ... and no, they may not ever be ready.

    * You will fear God, you will hate God, you will believe there is no God. Don't rush trying to figure it out. Many times, I have shelved the issue and just tried to enjoy living! In time, you will come to terms with what you want to believe or not believe. It is OKAY to sleep in on Saturday AND Sunday. Enjoy it!

    * Stay away from religions for awhile. If any of the others get a whiff that you want to leave, they will try to "save you" and before you know it, you will be involved in another witness-like religion and not even realize it.

    * You will probably become completely consumed with the "ex-JW' world". It will help you! You will find out the history of the Watchtower and research things you were never allowed before. You will meet people in the same boat as you who will bring you back from the edge. My warning is ... don't let it define you. At some point ... move on. It doesn't mean you can't come back and visit and I don't think it means you have to lose contact with people (like I did), but being constantly consumed with ex-JW forums and only having ex-JW friends is not healthy.

    * If you ever choose to attend an apostafest ,,, they are great! But there will be at least one crazy person there that will act so bizarre that you will wonder why you ever left the witnesses. Don't let them rattle them! They were crazy in the "troof", they will be crazy out.

    * It will get better! There were many times I truly felt suicidal. But 10 years from now, you will be a completely different person and will not even recognize who you are today. You will wonder why in the world you ever felt so afraid of a group of weeny little men in suits and ties!

  • OnTheWayOut

    I was going to post the thread that Blondie already posted:

    I want to add that you have to quit as an MS. I haven't read any details, but the easiest way to quit is to move to another congregation, then don't accept the title if asked. The next way is to be too busy to do your MS job and miss meetings, turn in a string of 1-hour months or no-hours if you are really brave. When asked about it, tell them it bothers you that you did so bad and don't see yourself doing better soon with your "depression" or "overwhelming work" or whatever, and you want to resign. DON'T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER.
    What even helps- if you have seen a doctor, any doctor- even one on television, and you take any medication- even vitamins, you can say you have been depressed and have been seeing a doctor and are on medication. You feel it's best to stop being an MS. DON'T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER.

    Then just fade out from meetings.

  • Billy the Ex-Bethelite
  • rebel8

    If you have to do it gradually--learned incompetence* with your MS duties, followed by stopping all forms of participation.

    *Drop the mic. Turn the volume up all the way 'by accident' when you do the sound. Put the magazines away in the wrong area when you do the literature counter. Ask questions that are so basic they will wonder if you are stupid or just not well read on your towerology.

    Now comes the fun part. Start saying odd things with increasing intensity. Ask if they saw a flash of light during the wt study, or if they heard those whispers during the service mtg--let them start rumors that you're being bothered by demons.

    Then just disappear...

  • cognitivedizzy

    I wish I could just disappear or relocate to another country.

    Thanks for the good suggestion guys, and Billy thanks for those links, mulling through them now :)

  • ToesUp

    Start asking for money or help in physical tasks like moving, taking you somewhere, they will be out of there faster than you can say apostate. I also like Rebel8's suggestions.

    Act crazy and ask for assistance and money. It will give them all something to talk about (they thrive on gossip) and you can go home and laugh your a** off.

  • clarity

    Cognitivedizzy ...first of all a big welcome to you & we hope soon...your wife! Really wonderful to hear of the love you have for each other. This relationship is your pivotal point. Absolutely move out from that perspective. Do whatever is good to take care of this. Do not let anyone rush you. Make smart deliberate steps. Keep it simple & don't apologize to anyone.

    Wish you great success. Smell the roses & feel the fresh air of freedom!


  • dozy

    Lots of good suggestions there. Perhaps the key ( if you live in such an area ) is to change congregation or "move" ( technically ) to a foreign language congregation. Some cities have several congregations using the same KH so many JWs can be lost between the congregations. You don't even need to officially ask for your publisher card to be sent over - just start attending ( occasionally ) another meeting and then just stop going.

    Just be very careful who you speak to. My experience was that virtually everyone blabbed , broke confidences , spread rumours. Don't tell people that you have "apostate" views about the Society - just if anyone asks tell them that you are working through some personal issues. If they probe , tell them it is a private matter. Certainly don't trust an elder whose primary loyalty is to the Org.

  • cognitivedizzy

    update -

    the elders showed up uninvited at home and called it a loving shepherding, Wifey was annoyed as it was very early during the day and she expected a call or intimation, anyways the same drill, do more, we miss you in FS etc etc , BTW I am avoiding FS as much as I can :P

    Sowed another seed to her , I said " how bad, they could have informed us in advance atleast we could have made them breakfast or tea " ( give myself a evil grin )

    Do you think its a right time to step down as a MS, Im only worried if this will make my wife overzealous , I'm happy with the way she is slacking, no Family worship , FS ....etc

    I don't want my stepping down to motivate her to do more :(

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