Excellent advice given. After what your mom, dad and brother did to try to get you DF'd I would be very careful letting them have visits. I have heard of many cases where another relative turned the children against the non JW parents. I would only allow a visit if it were supervised. Also teach your children about the harmful cult that way if they are ever in a position where your family talks to them about their beliefs they will be prepared and can resist it.
Should I allow my mom to see the grandchildren?
by confusedandalone 64 Replies latest watchtower beliefs
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Incognito
I would suggest that you not permit any visits, supervised or not - not without them earning it.
At this point, your parents have done nothing to undo their unloving attitudes and actions against you and your wife yet your mother turns on the waterworks and expects to be given anything she wants. I do expect that your parents are a package deal so if your mother is provided visitation, your father also benefits.
By you giving-in to her attempt to manipulate you, you are indirectly saying to your parents and to your children that what your parents say negatively about you is correct and their actions are justified.
Your parents each individually made a conscience decision to treat you in the manner they have over the past months. They could have made a decision to not do so if even only for the purpose to maintain a relationship with their grandchildren, but they didn't. They burned bridges. They must be forced to realize that every action has risk and a consequence so the consequence for treating you as they have is not only cutting you off but also loosing their relationship with their grandchildren
Treating you or your wife as they have is totally unacceptable and should not be tolerated. Their behavior sets a bad example for your children and as your responsibility is to safeguard your children's welfare, inappropriate behavior should not be condoned.
Make it clear to your parents how you feel and why you must take this firm stance and let them think on this for a while. If after some time, they show efforts to make amends, only then should you consider permitting them association with your entire family.
Make them earn the privilage to visit with you and your family.
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Podobear
Two wrongs don't make a right... throw a bucket of love over the situation.
Your Mum deserves the respect of a Mum, no matter what is thrown at you. Insist that you "chaperone"... be present at each visit... and when it is clear to YOU, as a loving parent that the purpose of the visits is familial alone... then, maybe you can allow them free time together.
If you have had the misfortune to be in a "divided" household and hold the "middle" line... you will have perfected the "foot in both camps" option!
All the best
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kaik
Podobear, I disagree. The parents have responsibility to secure well being of their children and protect them from a hurtfull influence. If the influence is own biological parent, it does not change that. Children have higher priority and vulnerability than adult. He has whatsoever right to be in a control of the situation with his own children if his mother made a decision to shun his own blood.
People deserve respect, but the respect is earned. Not everyone who is a birth mother deserve respect. Mothers, fathers, grandparents abuse, hurt, molest, even kill children and grandchildren. Grandparents are after stepparents often the biggest abuser of children within the family.
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Aunt Fancy
I don't know how old your children are but in our case my son never got baptized and his wife was not a JW. We would get the kids over night and we would take them bowling, miniture golf, and do all kids of baking and fun things. We had a blast with them until one day things changed. My husband would read to the two young grandchildren out of the My book of Bible Stories and my grandson told him "Poppy, my Mom doesn't want you to read us any religion at all". My husband stopped and we continued on to have a wonderful relationship with them Never to bring it up again and now we are both out enjoying the holidays with them. We loved our son, daughter in law and two grandchildren enough and respected that they were their children and they had the right to raise them how they chose to.
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Black Sheep
Your Mum deserves the respect of a Mum, no matter what is thrown at you.
We. as parents, have to earn respect. It is not ours as of right, regardless of whether our kids were planned, or were the result of a night of debauchery or a broken condom (that's me), or whatever.
My parents have had plenty of opportunities to earn my respect and have blown them all by being dishonest with me.
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Frazzled UBM
Aunt Fancy - thank goodness your grandson told your husband not to read to him from the My Book of Bible Stories - it is a horrible piece of fear-mongering indoctrination. I have banned my wife from reading it to my son.
On the issue of letting your mother see your kids, I agree with coffee's comment early in the thread - allow the visit in your presence only - this has the advantage taht your mother can't try to sneak in some indoctrination without you knowing and forces your mother to be in your presence. By showing your mother what tolerance means, maybe she will relax her position over time.
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DeWandelaar
I am sorry this is happening to you. My point of view is this one:
Your kids are yours... not hers. If she shuns you as a consequence of you DA/DF (or fading) she needs also bear the consequences of the shunning part (not seeing the people that are attached to you). JW's are mostly people who think in rights but not in obligations.
Since they are your kids they need to play according to your rules.
Stand up for yourself ;)
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carla
Your children need your protection from many things in life, their mental/spiritiual/emotional well being is among them. Please protect your kids from the cult and what appears to be grandparents that have only their own best interests at heart.
If you allow her to see the kids in YOUR home set ground rules before and let her know if she breaks them that is it, she will no longer have access or news about the kids. She must treat all of you with love and respect, talk, joke and eat with all of you. If any mention of anything jw is brought up it will be time for her to go. No jw literature of any sort is allowed in your home at any time and so on.
Never, ever leave your kids alone with her for a second! do not trust her. If you need to go to the bathroom make sure your spouse is there while you are gone. jw's will try to take advantage of even that short absence for indoctrination or to get information out of a kid. I have seen it done.
If you really feel your kids are missing out by not being around elderly people maybe you could adopt a grandma/and or grandpa from a local nursing home or in your neighborhood. There are countless lonely elderly people around who would love to have somebody in their life who cares and who they can love and spoil.
Protect your innocent chilren, it's your job.
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KateWild
Whilst I don't disagree with all the advice, I want to advocate for your mum CAA.
Your mum has two personalities and she is probably suffering CD, and she's your mum and you love her. Her cult personality loves the GB (Jehovah she thinks) and her real personality loves her kids/grandkids and cares deeply for them, but her cult personality thinks they will die at the big A, and she is scared.
Your mother is stressed right now as are you and your wife. You know your family better than us, you obviously love your mum very much, I hope you can find a way through this so that contact can take place in a trusting, safe and happy environment.
I am sorry you are going through this CAA, it's very stressful indeed.
Kate xx