excuse the "Dr. Laura Schleinger's". error - I obviously didn't show her in possession of anything and ended the sentence. Need to proof read.
I need help in dealing with a toxic family member!!!!
by hoser 46 Replies latest jw friends
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OUTLAW
These people are my parents.
.................................JW Parents can be the Worst..
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..We`ll Preach As Much As We Want....................When`s Dinner!!..
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...OUTLAW -
troubled mind
Ding and Hortensia have golden advice . It just takes showing them you are no longer affected by the emotional manipulation anymore .Now that they are visiting your home it is "your roof your rules " ,and it is okay to set boundaries with them .
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Scully
Several months ago, we adopted a young dog from a shelter. She had not been trained by her previous owner, and at almost 18 months old, still wasn't housebroken. She knew she was supposed to do her business outside, yet she had accidents all the time. We figured out that the previous owner must have scolded her - she acted afraid and cowered when she pottied indoors, but something must have happened to reinforce the behaviour. We realized the negative attention (yelling/scolding) must have been the reinforcing factor that perpetuated the behaviour. So we started ignoring the accidents, and started rewarding the behaviour we wanted. Whenever she did her business outside, we hugged her and praised her: "What a good girl!! Good job!!" Within a week, the accidents stopped and she started letting us know when she wanted to go outside. We kept reinforcing the appropriate behaviour with praise - she loved the positive attention even more than the negative attention she'd had from the previous owner, and it was as if she wanted to elicit praise from us. She stopped other negative behaviour too, like tearing blankets and nipping at us as a greeting, when we rewarded appropriate behaviour with praise and attention.
Whenever they say something that arouses feelings of fear, guilt or anxiety in you or something that is simply none of their business, take a deep breath, IGNORE it and change the subject to something more appropriate.
Whenever they say something pleasant, loving and helpful, feel free to respond in kind.
It may take them a while to catch on, but they will eventually realize how to speak to you if they wish to have a response.
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blondie
Good illustration....but if it doesn't work and the dog becomes dangerous to you and others; I tried rewarding my parents good behavior but they no longer responded; their being a pedophile and an alcoholic was a big barrier. After 48 years I realized I could not be around them and be safe. I don't think your parents are like this. Don't let them push your buttons and not be dependent on their approval of you to like yourself.
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KateWild
Thank you all for your comments and advice. I was talking with the mrs and we will lay out house rules when they come through the door and if they break the rules they are not welcome in our house.-hoser
There comes a point in a parents life when they must respect their adult childrens wishes and understand that the adult child sometimes knows best. I have a feeling your parents will stick to your rules, they want you and your wife in their lives. Look forward to this new shift in your relationship. Well done hoser!
Kate xx
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Oubliette
hoser: jw's motivate by fear and guilt.
When they do that, point it out to them. Tell them you're not interested in that. End of discussion.
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Oubliette
Hoser: I was talking with the mrs and we will lay out house rules when they come through the door and if they break the rules they are not welcome in our house.
What are the house rules?
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Vidiot
I'm in a position similar to Hoser's, but I think he might be a bit closer to the endgame...
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skeeter1
I know how hard it is to deal with someone who is toxic. I go through the same thing when they want to be a guest in my house. Dread.
The person knows my position on the WTS. That's right. They know that I think the WTS is full of caca. Well, I didn't tell them exactly that. I said, "I have some major differences with the WTS. I have researched my issue thoroughly and have even talked with esteemed elders about it. No one there has ever been able to answer my questions and concerns. Either the WTS is wrong on many key issues or I have run ahead of the Organization. I refuse to think that I am so great as to have special knowledge, but I do know that the WTS is wrong on many fronts. Therefore, I can not support it at this time. Now, when YOU have decided you want to leave the WTS, then I will entertain talking with you about what in particular I have learned. However, I will not talk with you about the WTS "just becuase" I don't want to stumble your path with God in case I am wrong. Therefore, you are welcome to stay with me. I have planned some fun outings and some quiet time. The rule in my house is that you leave the Jehovah's Witnesses at the door. If you can not deal with that, then my mental stability is going t to be tested too far and I am afraid I will not be able to handle having you in my house.
If that doesn't work, just breathe through it and post here. We will be your sounding board. Sometimes, you just need to get the frustrations of a toxic family member off your chest!
Skeeter
...OUTLAW