by hoser 46 Replies latest jw friends
I have a close family member who is a pro in using shame to try to make me feel bad. They are coming to stay at my place soon and the issue of me and mrs hoser not attending/ doing field service will come up no doubt.
I need some advice on how to deal with this because whenever I deal with these relatives they make me feel worthless. It is probably part because they are jw's and jw's motivate by fear and guilt.
hoser
Well first is to make sure that emotionally you have already convinced yourself their words don't mean anything.
That is key. Then when they say it, it won't have an effect.
Second, you are opening up your home to them, so if they begin to berate you, just say that you are pretty sure berating someone who opens up their home is not Christian.
Second, make it clear you are CHOOSING not to go to meetings. Its not like you are weak or tired or whatever. You have made a choice, based on spurious teachings and your own conscience (James) to NOT attend meetings.
Maybe its an arguement, but take up some strength in dealign with them, for your own emotional sake.
.......................................................................................................... 
...OUTLAW
I suggest some prep work. When you are in a very good state of mind - you can use a meditation tape if that helps - make a special gesture, such as pinching your index finger and your thumb together.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jyy0ra2WcQQ
Repeat this gesture whenever you want to recall this state of mind.
Lessee, I had to deal with a guilt-laying relative over Christmas. I muttered about slitting my wrists at one point, which sort of shocked my nephew. How did I stop her? I laid a guilt trip right back.
Have an escape plan, like running to the store for milk.
Have a spousal signal for changing the subject.
Change the subject back on them. People rarely feel they are getting enough attention. Give it to them, and make it all about them.
Practice saying in front of the mirror, "That question is too personal."
The best solution is to cut them off. Do not engage them in any way. There is nothing for you to gain by continuing a relationship with these people.
For me, the best way to deal with something like this is keep the visit as short as possible and you stay has upbeat and optimistic as possible.
Avoid talking about religion. Be ready with a comeback for when they ask about your spirituality (or other some such prying question), tell them you are doing very well. If they push further, repeat that you are doing very well spiritually. If they continue, tell them it's personal and between you and Jehovah and you have never felt more content with your relationship. (I hope this is true.)
Be happy with your life. Talk about hobbies that enthrall you. Get everybody outside and go for a hike or a long walk. Or just send your self out for a couple of errands or a long solo walk.
Do some activity (art gallery show, museum, movie) something new that you can all talk about.
Good luck with the visit. I hope you can find/create a few fun moments and memories with them.
-Aude.
Hi hoser, You have done nothing wrong. Why condon toxic peronalities in your house? Get rid of them from your life. You can choose to continue to be bullied by them, be polite to them but make them feel uncomfortable, ask them to stay in a local hotel if they do not respect your decisions/opinions, etc.
If they try to bully you, just show them books by Raymond Franz (i.e., "Crisis of Conscience" and "In Search of Christian Freedom"), Don Cameron (i.e., "Captives of a Concept"), and/or Steve Hassan (i.e., "Combatting Cult Mind Control", "Releasing the Bonds: Empowering People to Think for Themselves", and (i.e., his latest book) "Freedom of Mind: Helping Loved Ones Leave Controlling People, Cults, and Beliefs"). Once your close relatives see the books, they should run away and never bother you again.
Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,
Robert
You do not owe them an explanation for anything! If they are not happy with the way you choose to live your life, that is their problem, not yours. Don't defend yourself. Just do what you would do if they were not around, and, if they object, tell them they can find another place to stay. Your house, your rules, period.
Are they staying with you because they like you or because the price is right? Do you stay with them?
If there is a family commitment then at the least tell them that they have the freedom to believe and worship as they want and you have freedom from religion. So they are not to speak about their beliefs in your house or to your children etc. If they do they will have to leave your house.
Also tell them they will need to provide dinner at least half the time.
My advice is to start acting/thinking more maturely. No one is 'toxic" unless you allow them to be so. The only thing you will ever have complete control of during your lifetime is your thoughts. No one can force you to to feel shame unless you allow them.
I'm going to sound harsh, but this is the same thing I tell my kids (12 and 15) when they have issue's with friends. Stop acting like a powerless little child and take personal responsibilty for your life. Stiop blaming other people for making you feel wothless. It's not them who has a problem it's YOU. If you don't want to feel worthless, then don't! It has nothing to do wth them being a JW. You either allow them to have power over you or you don't. It really is that simple.
On top of that, YOU created this problem when you agreed to let them stay with you. Why would you allow someone to stay in your home knowing what you posted? That's insane. Sounds to me like you were motivated by the same fear you accuse them of casting on you. You were afraid to say no. Now you're in fear of them finding out the truth. The truth about how you really feel. Think about that. You're afraid of someone knowing your true feeligs because they may not like you afterwards. And what you're really asking for here is advice on how to lie to them so that you can play both sides of the game. I suggest instead of looking for creative ways to be a liar you should start behaving like an honest adult. If you can't do that then it's your fault not your relatives if you feel bad about yourself.
