I need help in dealing with a toxic family member!!!!

by hoser 46 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  LV101

  finally awake makes sense to me while you're processing dealing with them. Just detach and they'll learn. I'd call them and tell them you'd be more than happy to take their credit card # and book a nice room at a motel/hotel for them then allow them to be in your presence for a light lunch/brunch (separate checks, of course) with busy plans for yourself the rest of the day. If they start the cult diatribe stop them in a kind way, if possible - if they press the matter leave the table and take care of your tab.

  If they don't like your plans suggest perhaps a family reunion in the future - move the carrot around to a new playing field depending on their behavior - RUN from toxic people.
• 

  Ding

  You aren't on the witness stand and you are under no obligation to answer their questions or justify yourself to them.

  You can try the broken record assertiveness technique.

  No matter what they ask you or try to lay on you, you can say, "I appreciate your concern, but I prefer not to discuss that subject."

  Them: "How much field service are you getting in these days?"

  You: "I appreciate your concern, but I prefer not to discuss that subject."

  Them: "Why, what's wrong?"

  You: "I appreciate your concern, but I prefer not to discuss that subject."

  Them: "The end is just around the corner. It's important for us to be actively serving Jehovah and his organization."

  You: "I appreciate your concern, but I prefer not to discuss that subject."

  Them: "You're not listening to apostates, are you?"

  You: "I appreciate your concern, but I prefer not to discuss that subject."

  You can combine that with the fogging technique. You agree with them and then go back to your broken record.

  Them: "I'm really worried about you. If you're not out in service and attending meetings you will be wiped out if Armageddon hits."

  You: "You may be right, and I appreciate your concern, but I prefer not to discuss that subject."

  Them: "Why do you keep saying that?"

  You: "Because I appreciate your concern, but I prefer not to discuss that subject."

  Them: "I feel insulted!"

  You: "I'm sorry you feel insulted and I appreciate your concern, but I prefer not to discuss that subject."

  Them: "I think after all I've done for you that you owe me a better explanation than that!"

  You: "I'm sure you do, and I appreciate your concern, but I prefer not to discuss that subject."

  Them: "I don't like this. I may take this up with your elders."

  You: "That's up to you, and I appreciate your concern, but I prefer not to discuss that subject."
• 

  Defianttruth

  Write a contract and have them sign it.

  They have no right to negotiate in this contract this is your house.

  The final clause should state you have the right to ask them to leave for any reason at any time.

  Staple it to the wall above their bed so they can see it everyday.
• 

  LV101

  Oh Gawd - you should have classes. Love your reply!
• 

  transhuman68

  What Aude Sapere said. Tell them it is bad manners to discuss politics and religion- which it is, as these convictions aren’t really rational choices, and usually cause bad feelings when people try to discuss them rationally. Just refuse to talk about the JW’s at all- that’s my two cents worth.
• 

  snare&racket

  Ask him what his "motivation for going door to door is?"

  Tell him you always went because you felt you were helping your fellow man, but right now," I am not confident in the message we are preaching and so I am taking some time out to reearch it and consider it. This is not something I wish to discuss with you as you by your continued preahing obviously are not someone who has taken such issues into consideration. It all being a very personal, spiritual situation, I will not and do not wish to discuss it with you. Now please refrain from saying these things again or I will have to ask you to leave."
• 

  Finally-Free

  People who berate me are not welcome in any part of my life. If someone is stupid enough to try it in my own home they'll fly out arse first.

  W
• 

  cult classic

  roflmao Ding and Defiant truth

  Very good advice and things to think on hoser.

  It's understandable that you're torn emotionally about how to handle your family. But, you must take of yourself. Don't allow people into your space who make you ashamed of yourself. At least until you know how to stand up for yourself and change the abusive interaction to a healthy one.
• 

  LogCon

  Just hand them a printed copy of Ding's list and ask them if there's anything missing.
• 

  Hortensia

  Broken record and fogging are both amazing tools. I remember a conversation I had with my mother once, the first time I tried it. She kept asking why I wasn't going to the KH any more. I kept saying, "I don't want to discuss it." When she added the JW threats -- you'll die at Armageddon -- I said, "you're probably right, but I don't want to discuss it."

  After a while she ran out of ideas, and she never tried again. It helps, too, if you can step back and watch the conversation as if it's a movie, and get some amusement out of their reactions.

  Also, it's OK -- especially since it's your house -- to name their behavior. "I can't believe you are trying to make me feel guilty." Or, "guilt doesn't work." Or, "I can't believe you said that." Or, if you've had enough of their behavior and are tired of being nice, "you're a bit manipulative, aren't you?" Or, "don't you think that if we open our house to you and treat you like a guest, that you ought to at least pretend you like us?"

  The secret is to lob the guilt or insults back at them, and then refuse to discuss it any more.