Experiences: CAA needs to emotionally vomit... catharsis... release ... etc.

by confusedandalone 53 Replies latest jw experiences

  • confusedandalone
    confusedandalone

    Ok, so I have been on this journey for about a year or so. I feel like I am no longer a part of this whacked out religion, however at the same time after spending so many years in it there have been a huge array of things that have happened to me that I feel I need to talk about. Not because they will help anyone who reads them, not because they are the slightest bit interesting, but because I can no longer keep them bottled up and expect to move on.

    Alot of things I have experienced hurt me deeply... Although I was able to move forward with my life these things tend to hang around in my mind because I have never been able to tell anyone outside of my wife. Somethings she can not understand because of our different backgrounds, others because they just do not resonate with her. This site has people of all walks and even if no one ever responds atleast I hope that at some point someone will read it and say to themselves... wow that sucks.

    I may use progfanity and I am sure I will misssssssspell every third word... so sorry in advance

  • LisaRose
    LisaRose

    Bring it on.

  • KateWild
    KateWild

    CAA,

    What is it that you need to get off your chest. I am listening

    Love Kate xx

  • humbled
    humbled

    Please tell us what has been on you, CAA. You know I have had to come to this forum for relief...

  • confusedandalone
    confusedandalone

    1. A story of Love, Nepotism, and Lies

    So in the late 90's early 200's I found myself out of Bethel. I hated Bethel and needed to leave and my parents were having marital problems, I thought I was the solution so I returned home. Of course, being that I was at Bethel around sausage all day I wanted a woman of my own finally. To obtain one would be easy because of how desperate women are and the fact that I was an ex-bethelite I knew I would score a spiritual woman.

    SO I went through my Rolodex of women(I actually had one... I thought I was cool) and came across a young woman named Sally(her name only for this story). I met her at a party at Bethel through a good friend, she was a pioneer and told me months prior she wanted to go to Bethel. I thought it was perfect. So I call her and ask her out. She said yes!!! Let me outline our first few dates.

    Date 1: On a Saturday - I took her to the Russian Tea Room in NY. She brought a friend. It was awesome. I went home and I was so happy it went well.

    Date 2: She took me to see a play in Manhattan... "Blue Man Group"! (By the way she actually had a good job at a volunteer center in Midtown. SHe had cash. I thought I had hit the jackpot.) After the show and dinner we went for a walk. I got back on the Path train and went home to New Jersey

    ------------------------- HERE IS WHERE THINGS GO WRONG (or extremely right depending on how you look at it ----------------------------------------------

    Date 3: She calls me at home and tells me to meet her at her job at 2 she was leaving early. I got on the Path train and then the subway and met her. We went out to lunch. We hung out in the city. Around 5 we went to Brooklyn Bethel so she could show me off to her friends who were commuters and remembered me. It was "Family Study Night" at Bethel so we left and went and sat on the promenade over looking the water. SHE SAYS, "So everyone is at the Watchtower study?" I said, "Yeah - I kinda wish...." All of a sudden she starts to straddle me on a bench about 200 yards from 124 Columbia Heights. I was like WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF. She starts kissing me and then begins rubbing my JUNK. Of course, a young twenty something guy months removed from the sausagefest known at Bethel was not the least bit concerned about being caught I just went with it!! She then took my hand and put it on her enormous right boob. After about 2 minutes it kinda escalated and I started sucking the boob. YUP I HAD NO SHAME. Then I kinda realized omfg what have i done?!?!?!? We stopped and got ourselves together. She immediately grabbed my hand and starting talking about other stuff like this never happened. We went back to the train station. I rode with her back to her building in Fort Greene Brookln projects and said good night. I spent the entire train ride praying my erection would subside as well as tellin gJehovah how sorry I was and that I would never do this again so I had no reason to tell the elders about this one wrong. This reasoning and prayer was repeated over the course of the next 5 months

    Date 4: I called her and said I wanted to meet with her again and just hangout. This time we went to a movie alone of course. Afterward she took me to the Manhattan promenade. It was about 11:30 in the evening. We were just chilling. Now you may not believe this but it is true. I would not lie about this. We started kissing. About 2 minutes in, she unzips my pants, pulls oput my knob and proceeds to give me a BJ IN A PUBLIC PLACE. No one was around and we wre kinda concealed by a bush and a garbage can (real classy right). Look guys I loved it. I am nbot going to lie, lets say she finished the job professionally. I just kinda hugged her after and it was at this pooint that my conscience was calloused because let us face it, what guy would not prefer a good BJ over a clean conscience.... am I right here? Afterward I asked her straight forward, "Have you done this before?" She exclaims, "Yeah, I figure that it is not really sex so I wont get in trouble." I was not upset... She told me she did it with guys in Highschool and a few other brothers. NO I WAS NOT THINKING SHE WAS LOOSE OR SLEAZY... I just wanted more.

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    Now this stuff went on for 3 more months almost every other day I would get on a train from New Jersey ride it into New York we would play house then I would get back on the train and start work at my job at FedEx from 2 in the a.m. to 6 a.m. (Yes I was a loser pioneer servant with only a part time job). One day my school overseer says 5 minutes before a Bible Highlights he needed me to do it as a substitute. Of course the ex-bethelite pioneer had him covered. BELIEVE IT OR NOT it was the passage about David and Bathsheba that was covered. MY CONSCIENCE KICKS IN AND I BARELY COULD FINISH. OF COURSE THIS WAS A SIGN FROM JEHOVAH THAT HE KNEW WHAT I WAS DOING. I was destroyed inside. I knew I had to confess. So I went to see her the next day and told her we had to tell the brothers. I called my favorite elder from her house and told him. He was very supportive and said he would inform the rest of the body and that we would work through it. This was a Wednesday. She said she would tell them on Saturday...hmmm

    One important factor here is that she was brought into the "truth" by a prominent Bethelite who just so happened to hate me. I was not aware of this till that evening. He was the guy who ruled the backetball court at bethel. A real prick. He kicked me out of the Bethel gym along with a few others for 2 mnonths because I got caught dunking. That is another story.

    Anyway on Friday she said, "We should get married! Because if we do not get married now then one of us who doesn't get disfellowshiopped will get disfellowshipped because they married someone who was" OK I am like are you serious? Yet, I thought I had screwed her life up so what the hell, why not. This was a friday, so arrangements were made by us to go to a Justice of the Peace on Monday. This chick was serious and on a mission. Later that night she called to tell me her family in a nearby borrough said we could live in the 3rd floor apartment if we wanted. Shit was becoming way to real way to fast but CAA was scared to slow this train down. That Saturday the brothers met with me the first time. The gory nasty details were laid out in a way that literally almost made me freaking VOMIT. THey dug so deep I was emotionally and metally drained. THe one brother who was my friend stopped it and said we should continue at a later date. WHich in actuality made it worse for me.

    ANyway that Monday we got together at her home and we were off to the Justice of the Peace to see about getting a marriagelicense and doing the whole thing. However the uber dubs that we were we had no idea that it was presidents day and the offices were closed. If there was a GOD HE WAS ON MY SIDE. (In hind sight I realized that I would have still needed time for the marriage license etc... but WOW)

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Later that day I asked her how it was coming since telling them. She said that she mentioned something to the Bethel Brother she knew and that he would be in touch with her. hmmmmmmmm. That weekend was round two of my case. After much deliberation I was only to be put on Public Reproof and lose my priveledges. I called her crying telling her and she was so comforting. She was to meet with her brothers on Tuesday. We spent Monday making more prep for our future together I was nauseous.

    Tuesday was my meeting and hers and the night she would meet with her brothers. I was read out and disgraced. My family disgraced. I didn't care!!! I was concerned for my soon to be wife LOL that I was forced into marrying LOL. I called her at 11:00... no answer... I called at 12... no answer.... I called her about 20 times the entire nnight no answer... I was scared she had done the worse. The following evening I went to the FORT GREENE PROJECTS were she lived looking for her. Knocking on her door and recieved no answer. I hung around in the hall for about 20 minutes frantic.... I went to the elevator and was immediately robbed by 2 goons who I saw nearly everytime I went to her building(TALK ABOUT BAD LUCK). I had to call a friend from bethel and walk from the Fort Green projects to Columbia Hieghts to get money for the train home..................

    In the morning I called her job and she answered and she had a very strange sound in her voice... kind of condescending. She said she would call me back that EVENING. WTF was going on?????

    That night I called her frantic wondering what was up. She said she talked TO THE BROTHER and he never asked EXACTLY what happened, so he just ENCOURAGED HER and told her to be more careful..................... WHAT THE FUCK MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    So I immediately said did you try to tell him what actually happened???? She said she would call me back she had to go.

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    So over the next 2 weeks she never returned a call never spoke to me again./ SO I magically appeared at her job. She walked me to the lobby and said she would meet me on Saturday in a PUBLIC PLACE BECAUSE I WAS NOT TO BE TRUSTED. THen asked me to leave. Friends I was broken. I wanted to die. Here I was trying to do the right thing by her after having my arm twisted and you betray me this way because you have a bethel elder friend who helped you cover this over?? ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

    Like an idiot that weekend I went to the Brooklyn Navy yard to meet her. I wanted to hug her and say it will be ok. As I saw her approaching I went to her with open arms and she stopped me and said, "I don't think that is smart... you see brother "suchand such" helped me to see that you have no control of yourself physically and spiritually. You have a one-track mind and that this kind of mentality will only lead us on a path of destruction. I will not go down that path with you. I am sorry but our relationship is over" she literally turned and walked away.

    Here I stood on a beautiful sunny and brisk Saturday morning watching my life fall apart. I just stood there, I was going to chase after her. I was going to tell her about her slutacious self. BUT I JUST COULDn't... I was frozen. I was empty. I was dead. I thought that she would tell me it was going to be alright.... nope she walked away and left me there.

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------END OF CHAPTER ONE---------------------------------

  • KateWild
    KateWild

    I haven't read ot all but great story so far. I am keen to see what happens next and whaefre the nepotism is. I will finish reading soon, and give a final comment. Kate xx

  • KateWild
    KateWild

    Wow!!! So she got away with sayig it was all on you!!!

    CAA, the liars are the ones that thrive in the Borg and push down the honest and kind ones. She was always a liarand she wants to find a liar to marry too.

    Sick!!!

    Love Sam xx

  • confusedandalone
    confusedandalone

    Chapter 2: IT ONLY GETS WORSE

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    So the next week one of the elders who handled my case told his wife the sordid details. She told people that for months I had been engaged in practices that were disgusting. It spread. My mom found out and she went ballistic. My brother was on the elder body as well and was already upset i didn't come to him first. I found out from my elder friend that he demanded to know what I did. His outbursts had gotten so bad that the elders had the C.O. talk to him and convince him to stop his probing. When he found out what had been going on he now went on a tirade trying to somehow get me disfellowshipped... yes my own brother.

    What is even wooorse is that he told my father who was also an elder that if I was allowed to stay in his home that he would no longer qualify as an elder and my mopther would not qualify as a pioneer.... did I also mention that my brother was the manager of the company I worked for??? So he said he knew he could not fire me, buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut he had employed over 20+ witnesses and he let them know that I was on public reproof. So at work no one would talk to me except my worldly supervisor and the few other worldl;y people there. My father spoke to the C.O. and he said they would not be removed from their positions so they allowed me to stay. However, I now had a curfew... yes a man in his 20's had a curfew. I worked a 3rd shift job from 12 to 8 at this point... so I had to be home by 9 in the morning and could not leave unless it was for a meeting or service. TALK ABOUT CRAZY. My suprevisor offered to let me move into his basement and 2 girls I worked with needed a roomy. I was 2 weeks away from doing it but I lost all courage and continued. I did however enroll in school (My parents refuse to sign paperwork for tution and grants so I had to work yet another job to do this).

    I was suffering I was washed up. Yet, the slore that left me out to dry was PIONEERING AGAIN. SHE WAS DATING A BROTHER AT BETHEL! I finished my schooling got an amazing job met my current wife and life changed greatly. However she married this brother and went to BETHEL. Many people I knew that knew I was dating her asked her about our situation. Somee people toldme that she hinted I was the aggressor and PUT HER IN SITUATIONS that were not appropriate. This lead many people to put me in a category that no man wants to be put into... but hey you gotta preserve your own image right. My wife caught wind of it and this lovely woman just brushed it of and never let the lies bother her. (I LOVE THIS WOMAN MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF )

    Well one day years later I was at Bethel on a tour... who do I run into??? You guessed it. This bitch acted as if she had no idea who I was. I wanted to say, "Should I pull down my pants??? I am sure you will recognize that" but I just laughed audibly to let her know that I knew what she thought I knew. THAT WAS ONE OF MY BIGGEST REGRETS IN LIFE. I still think I whould have made a stink.

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Thanks I had to get that out!!! Ther eare many more details that I would have shared but they are not pertinent to the story. The thing is I had to tell someone this because honestly no one really gets it and no one really gets mad like I do. Even my wife said, "Just let bygones be bygones. SHe was a fucking bitch... she will get hers" I am sure she is right. It just sucks that no one knows how low she was. Typing this out is soothing. I thank you for letting me.

    I am going to spend some time writing stuff out on here and just letting off the steam.

  • Muddy Waters
    Muddy Waters

    OMG, that is harsh..... ! What a duplicitous little bitch!!

  • confusedandalone
    confusedandalone

    "Wow!!! So she got away with sayig it was all on you!!!

    CAA, the liars are the ones that thrive in the Borg and push down the honest and kind ones. "

    Indeed she did. I had an awful stigma placed upon me that lasted for quite some time. WHile she continued with the rosey image and proceeded to serve at the World Headquarters... LOL

    You gotta love how these things work

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