by seasickbumblebee 80 Replies latest social relationships
@iownmylife he's not cancelling the whole thing. he blames himself and he thinks every bad things the wtbts said (loss of respect, trust, etc) are going to happen to us. his guilt is eating him alive.
he loves me very much and keeps on doing amazing things and makes me laugh. but his conscience is bothering him and it's wrecking him, me, and eventually us.
Your post made me so sad. Sad that your boyfriend feels he MUST disclose intimate details of your relationship to other men. A good friend of mine told me ( right before she married ) her and her boyfriend stopped just short of going all the way. I guess she did not feel too guilty because they were planing on marriage. She did not run to the elders. He did not run to the elders. She become a pioneer and he became an elder . So They must have thought Jehovah forgave them. Right ? I'm sure she prayed about it !
If your husband is going to be all up tight about what is and is not allowed in the marrige bed. Well, I feel sorry for you. It sounds like he may want to go by the letter of the LAW. The LAWS that tells you what the WT has allowed and not allowed in your bedroom. ( The bible says you are one flesh ) There will always be Him, you , and the WT in bed. ( no oral sex )
What happens if you find out the truth is not the truth ? Your marriage could be over in the first year, or even before you say I do. Are you sure you want to follow the truth no matter wear it leads you? Is truth worth losing him ? I say YES ! But I'm not in love with him.
I recall in the bible, an engagement was like a marriage. ( the story of Mary and Joseph ) Joseph was a good man BECAUSE he did not run to the elders to tell them that Mary surely fornicated. ( Look at her belly ) READ the story !
Again, if you keep coming to this site, you are bound to learn the truth about the truth. You can not unring that bell. This will be really hard on you if you love him . Will he want you if you don't believe ? Probably not. So many JW's stop loving their mates if the mate stops believing in the WT. Not Jehovah, but the WT ( mother ) So many broken marriages ... What God has joined together , let no man pull apart. Unless the elders say so. (Spiritual indangerment ) So think real hard before you keep reading sites like this..........Some people are happier with their head burried in the sand, and the man they love. BIG HUGS Sherry
I ask you this. Will it be enough if he showers you with love and gifts, but for the rest of your marriage wilts in the bedroom? THAT is what guilt and confession will get him.
Practicing something is doing it regularly. The Bible talks about practicing sin and so this word is used in connection with uncleanness. Unfortunately, if you happen to have even one self-righteous elder on a committee, the committee might define "practice" as doing something more than once. Thus, one committee may define "practice" different from another committee. You and your fiancee may want to think about that before going to the elders again.
I am being totally serious-
Iown MyLife said: He sounds just from that, like a guy who will blame you for "letting" him engage in "sinful" premarital activity that causes his guilt.
It is much less painful to change your mind before the wedding, though it may not seem like it now. Also, that kind of stuff is a HUGE red flag.
Don't ignore it.
Regardless of what he says, this can be the real truth. Don't ignore it.
My opinion is: Postpone the wedding. Look into your doubts. Tell him to go back to the elders if he wants to and confess whatever else he feels he must, but tell him that you are not interested in meeting with them anymore. Tell the elders that you said all you have to say.
Jehovah's Witnesses have redefined words in the Bible to enforce their own rules.
I also agree with Iown MyLife. The woman is almost always held responsible for sexual "misconduct." I've even heard Dr. Laura (an American radio talk show host) blame the woman and talk as if the man bears no responsibility.
You guys need to slow down and decide what your priorities are. They have already laid a load of guilt on both of you, and now you have the burden of trying to overcome it.
If you choose to stay together, I recommend that both of you agree to pretend it never happened, and that no one laid that load of guilt on you. Being newly married can be stressful enough without third parties in the marriage telling you you're not doing the right thing. Ignore them.
Also pay special attention to what jgnat said. She is a non-JW married to a JW, but they have been successful in not allowing others to interfere in their private lives.
Best wishes.
Seasick bumble-bee,
For not being a native speaker, that is one fine screen name.
First of all, your buisness is your buisness. Maybwe ask what country you are from? At least from my perspective, i feel like knowing that would help understand what you are dealing with culturally. If you don't feel comfortable with that, that is fine.
Start researching JWfacts.com
The men in th ehall have no rights to know your personal life, and using the bible as the standard, they clearly overstep their rights in many ways. If he does whatever men in the hall will tell him what does that say about the type of marriag you may have? Empower him to take the lead, and be a strong man.
hi everyone.
thanks for not judging me and for all the supports.
here's the thing that bugs me the most: i know i could be very happy with him if it was not for his conscience. :(
my question about sexual immorality is crucial here.
he is very bothered because he thinks the elders wouldn't have been so lenient if we told them about the petting. i said toucing breasts is more or less the same. if i could convince him abt this, he'll be less guilty.
A much larger issue, with greater long-term effects, is that you are starting to have doubts about JWs and he isn't.
I agree. If your fiancee is eaten up with guilt and you are having doubts about the wtbts, I'd say you're safer postponing the wedding until you can talk the truth to each other without running to the elders.
But, it's your business.
I'll tell you about a church concept that is not taught at the Kingdom Hall. There's a difference between conviction and condemnation. We might go either way when caught up in sin. Conviction comes with the idea that you openly confess to GOD and make changes to not make the same mistake again. You are forgiven, strengthened from the experience, and come away with new confidence. Condemnation is the evil whispers from Satan telling you that you will never be good enough, your marriage is condemned, you are doomed to fail... you get the picture.
This constant guilt is a corrosive mixture that can destroy a marriage...if left unchecked.
