hello. pls help. getting married soon. afraid i won't be happy because wtbts said so.

seasickbumblebee

alshello. first of all, i'm new here. i'm a practicing jw. finally decided to create an account to see whether you could all help me.

so i am engaged to this wonderful wonderful man and in three months time we'll be married. problem is, he's getting all guilty and depressed because we did some "heavy petting". we work together and one night i stayed over at his office and it happened.

we went to the elders and tell them about the sleepover and him toucing my breasts but we left other intimate details.

now he thinks we lied and even felt guiltier than ever. he even said we'll start our marriage on a rocky basis. i am starting to believe him too.

please help me convince him! i don't want my marriage to be awful because wtbts said so. :(

the bigger problem, i start having doubts about jws, but he doesn't. :(

p.s. what is sexual immorality by jw standard (esp. the one that should be reported to the elders)? all this time i thought it's porneia, homosexuality, and the like but not "uncleanness". guess i was wrong.

also, the elders told us we broke jehovah's law by touching intimate parts. i'd always thought porneia is breaking his law, uncleanness is breaking principles, so it's of a lesser gravity and seriousness.

guess i am a confused jw after all.

thoughts?

thanks!!

Truth seeker 674

I am an older guy I think you shouyld talk to former sisters. Welcome

Sammy Jenkis

Welcome,

First off I must say that if your fiancee is already feeling bad about not giving all the facts he'll most likely cave and end up telling them to save face. As far as your question: "what is sexual immorality by jw standard?"

They can DF you for "uncleaness" but they have to determine if it was "gross" or not- greedy and lustful. I don't know what formula they use to determine it but you'll be in the back room for a while going through all those details until they finally figure out if they like you enough to reprove you or if the DF is what will keep the congregation "safe."

"please help me convince him! i don't want my marriage to be awful because wtbts said so."

I don't believe anyone on this forum can help convince him but if you love him enough maybe you can ask him questions regarding your doubts and see how he responds. Do you really want to spend a lifetime with someone who will ostracize you once your heart has led you elsewhere, away from the "truth"?

The info available on forums like this one will be of help- it was for me. Convince yourself of what's really going on, the only hope for other people is that they rationalize whatever it is you decide to tell them. All the best,

DNCall

A much larger issue, with greater long-term effects, is that you are starting to have doubts about JWs and he isn't. Before you both decide on how you will deal with the elders (btw the elders are taught that uncleanness is on a par with sexual immorality if it is practiced), you need to honestly evaluate your doubts--whether you can stifle them for the sake of being married to a man who may have a different view of JWs or whether you need to communicate openly with him about them. His reaction, if you communicate your doubts, may cause you to view him in a new light. It may be that he has doubts that he has stfiled for your sake. Either way, better to have a handle on this now, than after you're married.

steve2

As a self-described "practising jw" , you do seem kind of confused, girl.

However, are you so confused that you didn't realize you posted on an ex-JW website? If you need to ask this sort of delicate question on the internet, you may well be not only confused but also misguided. Ahem! Not the sort of topic I think any nice young "practsing jw" girl puts out there on a public forum. But that's my judgmental opinion.

(BTW "practising" is an unusual way to describe your jw status - witnesses never refer to themselves as "practising but more commonly as "active" - but hey, you're entitled to your quirks).

Julia Orwell

Your marriage will be fine! They say that it won't be because of the 'petting' because they want to frighten you out of doing it. They can't possibly understand the dynamic between you and your man as you are individuals. When the Watchtower writes something, they assume that all people are the same and that one rule applies to all. It doesn't. Everyone is different and takes things differently, views things differently, and experiences things differently. The Org is excellent at making people feel guilty over every little thing. Read the words of Jesus - he was not like that.

Iown Mylife

HI Seasickbumblebee,

you said: "Now he thinks we'll start our marriage on a rocky basis."

Immediately my thought was, he wants to back out of the engagement.

He sounds just from that, like a guy who will blame you for "letting" him engage in "sinful" premarital activity that causes his guilt.

It is much less painful to change your mind before the wedding, though it may not seem like it now. Also, that kind of stuff is a HUGE red flag.

Don't ignore it.

seasickbumblebee

thanks everyone.

@dnccall what do you mean by "practicing"?

i am not a native speaker of english so that may explain a lot of unusual terms i am using.

the thing is, i thought spending the night with him is considered as a bigger wrongdoing according to jw.

i really really can't risk the elders dong something embarassing to us. they let us go with a counsel and thats all i need. my jw family is going through a very difficult time and i think they're all going to be depressed even suicidal if they deal with the shame.

rebel8

Resolve your doubts--not by a thing called cognitive dissonance or other logical fallacies (definitions are available on Wikipedia)--but by actually examining things. The truth can withstand scrutiny!

The Society has said many times in its literature, over a >100 year period of time actually, to research for yourself. Here are the references to the magazines and books saying this. Take their advice!

You are in a committed, monogamous relationship, and you're even engaged to be married. Not sure why you would need to report that to the older men in the hall?

The Society views engagement as a binding committment, similar to marriage.

*** w75 6/15 pp. 382-384 Questions From Readers ***

Both the making and the breaking of an engagement to marry are serious steps, not to be taken lightly...We note that, under the Israelite arrangement, engaged women were viewed as bound by that engagement, and if they became guilty of any infidelity, the Mosaic law provided that they should be dealt with as a married woman would be. (Deut. 22:23, 24)

So back then, according to the Society, if you cheated on your fiancee, you'd be guilty of adultery. Sounds like you're in a pretty committed relationship then!

Furthermore, I'd suggest you research and see if you can find where the Bible says you can't touch each other (or whatever you want to call it) when you're engaged. The Bible talks about fornication, which is defined as something different than what you did, but I don't know of any scripture that speaks of this situation at all.

Best wishes to you in your journey, wherever it takes you.

jgnat

Inviting the elders in to your marriage bed is a guaranteed mood-killer. I am a non-JW married to a Witness and we have both agreed that some things are best worked out between us; no elders involved! How else can you build a trustworthy bond?

Frankly with your doubts and his doubts, I'd postpone the marriage. You will find out soon enough how wonderful he is or not. Can he choose you over those guys?

hello. pls help. getting married soon. afraid i won't be happy because wtbts said so.

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