How did you break the news to your parents?

by tootired2care 47 Replies latest jw friends

  • tootired2care
    tootired2care

    So one of the things both me and my wife are faced with is breaking the news that we've stopped going to meetings to our parents. My wifes parents could go either way, they have made several critical remarks of the WT over the years, while my parents are die hard JW's. I tossed the idea around of sending a letter or doing a phone call or just not saying anything.

    We've decided that were just tired of having to hide our true feelings and play pretend. I think whatever we do we're going to coordinate telling our parents around the same timeframe. Neither of us are going to get into doctrine, but just state that we know longer believe the WT's teachings or something to that effect.

    If you were ever in this or a similair situation how did you broach the subject with your folks? What was the outcome, and what would you have done differently? I realize that everyones situation is different, but i'm just trying to get some ideas.

  • cantleave
    cantleave

    I haven't told my mother, I don't see that I have any obligation to. When she does find out the shit will hit the fan but I really don't care.

  • Dagney
    Dagney

    I just let my family find out from others. My mother was very elderly and I am the closest to her was looking after her. I didn't want her to worry more so I just skated around with her, because she would never understand and it was too painful to her to think I would be "destroyed." But with my elder brother, I just waited for him to say something to me, then I just told him it had nothing to do with the people, and that I had issues with the corporation, and it was prayfully between me and Jehovah. He couldn't say much just offered "encourgement."

    Everyone's situation is different as has been mentioned. You know your audience. But if you put them in a defensive position, it usually doesn't turn out well. If you are firm, with full confidence about your position, that you are in charge and not "weak," they don't seem to press, usually. They seem puzzled.

    Good luck.

  • TweetieBird
    TweetieBird

    My mother-in-law forced it out of my husband one day on the phone. It's been strained since then. Recently got a letter from her about how we fit the definition of an apostate since we have left the faith. Fortunately, we live 300 miles from her so it's not an issue. She doesn't call us anymore and when my husband calls her it's short and sweet.

  • EmptyInside
    EmptyInside

    My mother asked me why I no longer went out in field service. We have had a couple heated conversations since,but,now it's just a silent truce. I try not to say anything negative about the organization. And she doesn't bring up anything about why I no longer go to the meetings.

    I'm the one who does everything for her. So,I think we both realize it's in everybody's best interest to just not discuss it.

    The rest of my active JW family does not know,maybe they suspect,but they haven't let on. I'm not saying anything to them about my doubts. I've decided to not discuss my feelings with any active,believing Witness. It's no one's business,but my own.

  • l p
    l p

    I reckon if there is a chance that they are die hards you should consider not talking about it at all to them. The less you say, the less they have to say about you being an apostate and the less likely it is that they will have an attack of the conscience as i call it and run to the elders. If that happens your likely to get D'ed and then family ties will be broken permanently...

    best thing is to fade.....then if they get use to the fact you haven't been in ages but you don't discuss it ...you get to keep your family contacts...

    good luck

    xx LP

  • DarioKehl
    DarioKehl

    I'm in the same tough spot, tootired.

    Fortunately for me, my parents have been aware that I've had doubts about things since I was 8 or 9. The doubts really progressed in my high school years and I was able to talk about it openly with them in the privacy of our home. One of my parents even admitted on several occasions that they have a hard time believing some of the claims (ex: trumpet blasts being fulfilled by some of our ...conventions??? lol!).

    As expected, the conversation always reverts back to 2 inevitable outcomes:

    "Well... we just need to have faith and stick to the work at hand. I mean, we are the only group that engages in a global ministry with a global brotherhood. This has to be god's one true organization!" [The underlying thought in this sentiment is 'faith thru works.' Gotta have that 'faith.' If you don't, work harder and pray--those will give you faith eventually. catch 22!]

    and

    "Well, even if this isn't the 'truth,' where else would we go?" [The underlying thought in this cath 22 is that no other religion is "as correct" as JWs. It also yields to the idea that we've all got so much time, money, resources and social commitments invested in this choice so to decide another option would be to abandon decades of hard work. Having grown up inside the organization, many JWs like myself and my family have such a strong distaste for other religions in "Babylon the Great" because Watchtower has called them out on their false teachings and hypocrisy quite handily. There really is no other church to run to for many JWs; which is why I believe so many exJWs become atheist or agnostic.]

    Everytime I've had these conversations with my family, they go well only because I approach them in the context of genuous concern and searching. I usually begin by explaining how freaked out I am about something and wait for them to offer a listening and sympathetic ear. "Oh honey, you know you can tell us anything and we'd never judge or stop loving you." When I hear that, I consider that my green light and proceed. I never attack the WBTS or GB. I never question motives of the leadership or criticize the elders. I tell them I suffer anxiety and panic at times when I encounter a belief that just doesn't seem logical (such as the wacky suggestions in the Revelation--A Grand Climax at Hand book or how much of the bible cannot be verified at all by history, science or archeology--in fact, it's usually proven wrong by those fields of study!).

    MY advice: start slow and try to get sympathy (or, even better, get empathy) before bringing anything up. If you go after 1975, Russell's pyramidology, Rutherford's wacky doctrines, failed prophecies of 1884, 1910 and 1925, the UN NGO fiasco, pedophilia policy, 607 vs. 587 or blood doctrine, that may flag you as having read "apostate propaganda."

    I recommend bringing up the recent changes to "generation" and this ridiculous "overlap" idea. Or the "noo lite" from the annual meeting. I mean, think about it; they've given us a ton of fodder just in the last 2 years. These recent changes have upset and disturbed a lot of people inside--even old timers! Or target something broad enough like the creation account, flood account or looking at the bible through the lens of historical scholarship rather than a theological lens. Those subjects won't come off as specifically "anti-JW" because they call into question the entire spectrum of religions. Also, before initiating this discussion, ask yourself what your motive is. What's the goal? Do you simply want to explain yourself and your situation in order to preserve family ties? Or, is your goal to persuade them into changing their course as well? If you intend to "open their eyes" as well, I must advise you to proceed very carefully. The chances of that happening are very slim. And it's been my experience that people need to examine and find things out for themselves. If you present them with tons of bullet points on "why this is all wrong and the information I've discovered is all right," that will not end well. If they even listen, they likely won't absorb it. Don't try to force feed new or contradicting information to them! Rather, ask specific questions that force them to do further investigation on their own. Let them see things for what they are.

    I hope my 2 cents helps. Good luck and keep us posted.

  • DarioKehl
    DarioKehl

    By the way, I posted a similar thread last week asking a similar question:

    Should I send a point-by-point packet to my family explaining my answers to questions I know they have but are too timid to ask? The responses I received from other members on this thread gave me pause and I have abandoned that idea entirely. It could come across as a "force feeding" and raise alarm that otherwise would never be raised. I'm going to continue the slow spoon-feeding method... as difficult as it is. Fortunately for me, I have an awesome family. I don't want to lose them over something as ridiculous as a difference in beliefs. On the other hand, some of my friends have horrible family relationships and have nothing to lose with the bold approach method.

    If your parents are just awful people anyway, then go balls out!

  • Iamallcool
    Iamallcool

    It is better to say nothing, let them find out.

  • leavingwt
    leavingwt

    There is nothing to gain by telling them the truth.

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