I Could Really Use A Friend

by Hargitay 51 Replies latest jw friends

  • Black Sheep
    Black Sheep

    You don't have to answer anybodys questions. It always makes me cringe when some newbie sticks his head up and immediately gets an inquisition.

    Remember that it wasn't your choice to be raised in a church that treats its family members badly when they realise that its history of prophetic failure makes it no better than any other Doomsday cult. That was your parents choice. When my parents get stroppy, I'm quick to point out that before I was born there were already prophetic pronouncements, made soon after they joined, that had clearly passed their Use by Dates and identified their church heirarchy as false prophets according to Deuteronomy 18 in the KJV that they used at that time.

    Why should we pay the price for our parent's bad choices? We are not the guilty party. We were lied to. Deceived in numerous ways. Would you have gotten baptised if your family, friends and Elders had been totally honest with you about the church, its history and teachings? If any JW tries to guilt you, use some skeleton from their closet to demonstrate that something they did, or said, that was dishonest or deceptive, resulted in you making decisions that you would not have made if they had been honest and that you expect an apology for their behaviour.

    You have to learn how to ask questions.

    You have to learn to not answer questions.

    For example. If your wife wants you to leave and you know you are the head of the house according to WT literature, then you ask her to show you a WT article that says that one of you should leave.

    The trick here, is that you have only asked a question. You have not expressed an opinion. Never express an opinion to a JW as it always IDs you as the opposer/apostate/Satan and puts their guard up. They have to go and do the research to find out for themselves that they are out of order. Doing their thinking for them is a recipe for failure because they were listening to all those warnings from the platform that you ignored when you made the mistake (as most of us do) of thinking that your family is sane and reasonable.

    Their trick is usually to avoid having to admit they haven't got a leg to stand on by asking another question to change the subject. It must not be answered. They must confront their problem or back off and behave. Demand the honesty they pretend they have. No double standards allowed.

    Remember .... you are not guilty of anything .... and don't let them think you feel any guilt ... and if you have equity in the house ... you want it and you have the right to it .... get it, or move back in & tell your wife to behave herself.

    I hope the job hunting goes well. I've lived hand to mouth in a strange town too. Made some good friends there.



  • Hargitay

    Thanks for the advice and encouragement. We don't own. We rent from a brother. My home was in California. I willingly left because of the pain and disappointment in my children's eyes. I was too ashamed to stay eventhough I knew I wasn't wrong. I haven't eaten in two days and I am having difficulty finding work. I am literally living on the street. Another day of this is going to break me. I don't know if I can take much more.

  • Hargitay

    Thanks for the advice and encouragement. We don't own. We rent from a brother. My home was in California. I willingly left because of the pain and disappointment in my children's eyes. I was too ashamed to stay eventhough I knew I wasn't wrong. I haven't eaten in two days and I am having difficulty finding work. I am literally living on the street. Another day of this is going to break me. I don't know if I can take much more.

  • Hargitay

    I don't know whether anybody on this board lives in Austin, but I am sad that there doesn't seem to be. I can't make it to Houston, or Dallas, or San Antonio. I haven't the means.

  • blindnomore

    Do you have a phone? Check your PM in a few minutes.

  • 3rdgen

    Hargitay, so sorry you were ambushed and betrayed by your own wife and family. Its bad enough to go through being wrongfully DFed let alone your situation. Deperssion and helplessness is understandable but please don't let the sadness cloud your thinking. 1st: You DO have value and rights. DFing even for apostacy is not necessarily "spiritual endangerment" which is grounds for separation in dubland. Why? Because IF you do not try to influence her to your thinking or interfere with any of her "Theotractic activites" you are not a danger to her "spirituality".

    2ond: You are indeed the head of the house in dubland. Go home. She has no authority to order you to leave. Don't enable this bad behavior. Your children have a right to easy access to their father. Call the police if you need an escourt back into your house.

    3rd: After you return, if she chooses to leave, don't enable her. Insist on your financial and parental rights and go to the local courthouse. They have facilitators who help people who can't afford an attorney to file for separation. Do NOT file first if it eventually comes to divorce. If SHE chooses to file, she will NOT be allowed to remarry in Dubbie land unless you admit to porneia. DON"T EVER ADMIT TO IT!!! She will never be free to remarry (even if she does the deed) because you will say you forgive her. She will be single and alone or remarried and disfellowshipped.

    4: VERY IMPORTANT: Most US attorneys will consult with a prospective client for approx. 20 min free of charge to determine if they want to take the case. Find a recommended divorce attorney and find out your rights. Some might accept a contingency if they know there are assets.

    Did you have a job where you were living before? Don't quit it if you did. Like others have said, you did nothing wrong don't live like you did. Set the example for your kids that you are kind, loving, and STAYING in their lives and YOU did nothing wrong. Do not allow yourself to be bullied this way. We are pulling for you. We care. We, or those we know have been through what you are going through. PM me if you like. Take care, You can get through this.

  • clarity

    Hargitay .........ouch I can sure feel the pain in your bio. So sorry!

    If you are having difficulty with the personal message site (PM) plse try again.

    It is persnickity for sure ..... click on the little envelope ... top right side,

    most often takes 2-3 trys .

    Hang in there guy, ... been there done that too!

    I got myself out of the cold by working in a cafe. Maybe apply to just wash dishes,

    for a good supper and breakfast and car fare.

    Don't let the bugg*rs win! Don't let them run you out of town either!

    Your wife should be ashamed of herself!!!!!!!


  • 3rdgen

    Ok, I just read your last post. I'm so sorry you are in such dire straights. Now that you have left you will have to save up to get home. Find a soup kitchen NOW. Find a homeless shelter. There are also minesters and churches who actually help the needy on the spot. Salvation Army will point you to a meal. You can't think if you are hungry. Please call.

  • sizemik

    I spent the last of my money on window cleaning equipment so that I can at least try and earn some money daily to eat on, perhaps save up and get my own place.

    Miles . . . make this your focus for now. I did something similar . . . bought gear by maxing out my credit card. I then went door to door (sounds awful I know), but it worked. Some people I quoted were happy to have the work done there and then. I also met some quite lovely "worldly" people and soon learned their are many good people out there. Some even became valued friends over time. I started out lonely but not for long.

    It will keep you busy, earn some much needed money, and open up opportunities you may not have even considered. Some days will seem hopeless, others will have you persevering with a lump in your throat . . . but it will be worth it. In time you will find yourself, in spite of the anger, resentment and pain. Don't let these things dominate you . . . take the life that is rightfully yours and live it.

    All the very best to you.

  • perfect1

    Hi Miles,

    I am so sorry to read your sad story. This is a terrible situation. Stay strong. You must eat. I would not recommend homeless shelters if you can help it, they can be even more dangerous than sleeping on the street, but there are places in the city to get free food, there are also temp companies where you could find work for a day or two or more. If it comes to it grocery stores usually get rid of huge amounts of blemished but not rotten produce.

    This may sound trite so please forgive me, but I believe in this situation to keep your sanity you must maintain your human dignity. Keep up the showers and grooming and find some food. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Despite the way people are treating you, you are a very worthy and brave human being. I dont really understand how or why you came to Austin from Cali. But you have made the best decision of your life and you have accepted the consequences of that action. In one way you have lost everything, and everyone dear to you, in another way, for the first time in your life you have the opportunity to be genuine and form bonds that dont depend on being someone you are not or fulfilling the arbitray expectations of a cult!

    Dont despair. I am nowhere near Austin but you have a friend!



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