Yesterday was my Son's 21st Birthday

by 00DAD 69 Replies latest jw experiences

  • dreamgolfer

    Hey - I am so sorry to hear of his response, I hope things do get better, for you both,

    if there is anything we can do, just let us know

    take care

  • 00DAD

    MrsCedars, You're right and I know that he is just acting as he has been taught. In fact, I'm the one that taught him to be this way! The irony of that is not lost on me. But as I recently told my younger son (the brother to the one in this thread), "What would YOU do as a dad if you taught your son or daughter something and later learned you were wrong? Would you apologize and admit your error and teach the what was right or would you continue to let them believe something which you now knew was incorrect?" He just got very quiet.

    Don't worry, I won't give up. The encouragement from so many here is just what I need!

    3rdgen, Wow, I really appreciated your posting. I've tried to see things from the point of view of my kids and my ex. Your situation sounds similar in many ways. Probably they are feeling protective of their mother. And it is clear that she is doing everything in her power to alienate them from me. In fact I have evidence--although not conclusive--that it may be her returning the things I send my sons and not them.

    I understand that they may be feeling abandoned by me--this is a victim mentality mindset that is clearly cultivated by WT rhetoric, policies, practices and culture. But I did not abandon THEM. I left their mother!

    Ironically, when we separated both of my sons said to me independently that they thought we should have separated and divorced a long time ago. Still, the loss of the family is hard for them. And since we don't talk they only hear their mother's side of the story, they don't get to her my reasons and we don't get to work on healing. I realize now that this is all very deliberately by design on the part of the WTBTS.

    I had to laugh when you asked, "Do you know anyone who you could fix her up with?"

    A couple of years before we split my ex and I went to a wedding of a friend's daughter. While we were there a guy in another congregation was openly flirting with my ex. By this time we had grown so far apart the marriage was over in every respect except the all important appearances. I was secretly hoping she and this guy would start an affair. But no such luck (as far as I know!).

    Maybe I'll send her a year paid subscription to!

    dontplaceliterature, Thanks for responding to my questions. Your answers show me what I already know: I need to be patient and wait for a life-changing event to occur in my son's life. I just hope it isn't my death! ... lol

    Your comment about contact with your non-JW family was very telling. I'm not surprised that you kept it to a minimum while still in, but changed after you left. I'm trying to do what I can so that my family that was never JW keeps some contact with my sons even if not much. That way if and when they leave they will feel like they have some connections in the outside world. This is clearly why the WT does NOT want JWs to have any more than minimal contact with non-believing and or non-JW friends. They know how isolation works in their benefit and how having outside friends works against them.

    Your suggestion about going over to the house physically is a good one. I may do that in the future, but just now I've pushed a bit and think I need to give him some space. It means a lot hearing it from your point of view. I agree, it is easier to reject a letter or a box than a flesh and blood person.

    I need to use Cognitive Dissonance in my favor. But it is a two edged sword and usually it tends to reinforce beliefs in the wrong direction. I must be careful.

    Balaamsass, Dude, thanks. I needed that!

    cofty, Thank you very much for your encouragement. I appreciate it.

    jwfacts, I really appreciate the important point you make: they do need to realise that I do not believe it any more. It is important that they know that I did what I had to do, and it wasn't just that I was being weak. You are so right that this is the interpretation of events that the Watchtower would have them believe. It is amazing how the JW/WT Belief system allows people under the mind-control to not be able to see things as they really are.

    This is an uphill battle, but being aware of it helps me to maintain focus on what I do or don't do in my efforts to reach my sons. I need to always be aware of my motives and my goals.

    sizemik, good! I knew you would.

    dreamgolfer, Thanks. I enjoyed our chat the other day!

  • dontplaceliterature

    @00DAD, you have a PM.

  • 00DAD

    dontplaceliterature, Hmmm, I just looked. Nothing yet! ...

  • dontplaceliterature

    Try again!

  • 00DAD

    Got it, thanks! I've sent a reply too.

  • QueenWitch

    My oldest turned 21 on the 17th. I'm sorry you were not able to share a drink with your son. As parents, we look forward to having an adult relationship with our kids.

  • 00DAD

    QueenWitch, thanks! You're so right, I was really looking forward to the transition of having an adult relationship with my son.

    We work so hard and self-lessly for so many years to raise them. Of course it's our job, but the idea of them becoming an independent adult and then having that relationship change from Parent-Child to something more like that of peers was and is exciting to me.

    Maybe someday in the future I will realize that dream.

  • nuthouse escapee
    nuthouse escapee

    You have my sincere sympathy & understanding. I'm in the same boat as Flipper. My daughter & SIL are pioneering in China. It took me 2 years to track them down. Sent her an email giving her my contact info and told her my heart & door would always be open. I got the expected canned reply, not referred to as 'mom' and told her loyalty was to Jehovah and that HIS heart and door are always open.

    It hurts, but I realize it took me until age 45 to wake up & 48 to actually chuck the whole thing. So I have hope that she will eventually wake up. It may take a few years but by reaching out I have assured her that no matter what, I have not, nor ever will turn my back on her.

    By trying to reach out to your son, you are in essence saying, son my door will always be open to you. When the time comes that he wakes up to TTATT he will know that you will be there for him.

    Just hang in there, you are not alone in this situation. Leslie

  • 00DAD

    Hi Leslie, Thanks for commenting and sharing your own personal experience.

    I totally agree that the message that we send by reaching out is that we are here and the door is always open. It's hard for them to comprehend because the WT tells them conflicting, contradictory messages and they've been trained "from infancy" to trust the WT implicitly even if what they say makes absolutely no sense.

    We just gotta' hope that they are smart and good people that will one day "wake-up" and see all the hypocrisy, lies and abuse by the WTBTS just as we did.

    I took me a long time, and I like to think I'm reasonably intelligent! ... lol.

    But seriously, it really isn't even about intelligence. What makes one person wake-up and leave and another not? It's an interesting question. I wish I new the answer. It might help identify the key to opening the door for others. But I know it's not just a simple matter of intelligence, it's something else, a kind of strength of personal integrity and character. A refusal to blindly follow orders that just don't make sense.


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