Is Fading Emotionally Taxing?

by Aware! 41 Replies latest jw friends

  • DarioKehl

    hey, Aware!

    i sent you a PM.

  • ziddina

    Plz excuse my language, but hell yes, fading is emotionally taxing.

    Draining, frustrating, depressing, irritating, confusing - [dragon-slaps self...]

    I think it helps if one has the right mind-set.

    To my way of thinking, a "spy" mentality would be the best approach.

    spy vs spy

    You're in enemy territory [somewhat of an exaggeration but, on the other hand, just think of the malicious gleam in many an elder's eye when they think they've caught you in a serious infraction] - and having to maintain a totally false front at all times...

    While carrying out your own agenda - your survival and improving your ability to thrive in the REAL world after your exit - at the same time.

    Like having to work 3 jobs at once.

    It can be done... But it's hard, hard work.

    But the rewards???


  • finally awake
    finally awake

    I was not aware that I was fading - I wasn't questioning that the WTBTS taught the "truth", and I firmly stamped down the awareness that I wanted out. Even given that level of self deception and general refusal to think, I was stressed out to the max most of the time trying to come up with excuses to avoid meetings and service. I hated dealing with the crap and I was miserable. I think being fully awake would make it even harder.

  • blondie

    Fading is not meant to be permanent but to give the person time to make arrangments, soften the blow if possible. It is emotionally taxing if you expect your relationships with jw family and other jws not to change. Figure what might change and prepare for it. Accept that some family members and jws will turn away even if you aren't df'd or da'd. That it is their way or the highway. Make new friends, make a new life. In time they might change, but now concentrate on changing your life and yourself.

    1) Get a good job to support yourself so

    2) you can get your own place to live, either with friends, non-jw friends, by yourself

    3) divest yourself of financial ties to jws, job, business, loans (get on paper, no verbal)

    4) make new friends, pursue interests outside KH

    5) find groups or organizations that help you do the above

    6) education goals

    7) read up on books that tell how to deal with this emotionally, find others dealing with similar situations

  • breakfast of champions
    breakfast of champions

    Hi AWARE - if you can finish school while with your parents, it is certainly to your advantage to keep "undercover" until you graduate and are in a position to become independent. At that point, you can decide whether "the fade" is for you. . .

    To be honest, if it wasn't for a near-perfect marriage, I would have left so fast they wouldn't know what hit them. I would only miss a small handful of friends and certainly if I never talked to my mother ever again, it would be a blessing. Do what's right for you, but yes, fading is a drag.

  • OnTheWayOut

    You may be right to just pull that bandage right off and be done. I will suggest one more step that may or may not make a difference.

    You can write the DA letter and discuss it with your parents before you turn it in. They might ask you to simply stop going to the Hall and become inactive. They might get pissed, but at least you could explain your side before they decide to shun you.

    Just a thought.

  • WTWizard

    Fading may be taxing, but the witlesses have ways to make disassociating even worse. For instance, if you are programmed to not function outside the cancer or you depend on them for employment or housing, they can mess things up for you through those means. And, you might be able to tax the hounders emotionally by making them wonder what ever happened to you.

    Remember, changing one's religion is always stressful. In some ways, it can be like getting a tooth pulled. Fading is like getting a "root canal", where a disassociation is like getting an extraction. Either will eliminate the source of the problem. You will be religiously free, able to decide where to head next. I do advise people that, once you are religiously free, take your time and don't rush to rejoin a Christian religion. Research various religions (in as many platforms as possible, such as the Jewish, Muslim, and Far Eastern as well as left hand path) to death. Research a few denominations, and make a decision only after you are 100% certain you wish to follow that religious path. You might simply choose to remain unaffiliated after you become free from the witlesses.

  • moshe

    Fading usually comes to an end- you can plan your exit- or let the JWs do it for you-- this is how it played out for one fading couple (whose JW family lived in another city) a few years ago--

    ---so today i get a FB message from one of my hardcore JW cousins asking if we had a big birthday party for my daughter. i really don't know how she found out, but somehow, she did. this is a person who will call the elders immediately, then call all our family members right after that.

    this is going to be where it gets really ugly, isn't it? i knew this was coming and would be a part of the exit, but i've been dreading it. it's going to be very painful because there are members of my family that i am very very close to.

    I have noticed that fading is often the methodology of choice used by people who want to avoid making a critical choice. What is a critical choice? it is a decision that can't easily be reversed, as it has an immediate effect on your life--

  • DesirousOfChange

    4) make new friends, pursue interests outside KH

    This should be #1. It is of critical importance so that all of you network of friends and associates are not part of the JWs.

    BTW -- I have two close friends who are both successful "faders". Both "out" for over 10 years. Both now considered to be "a man of the world". They are not hounded or hastled by Elders, they are just allowed to go their own way. It took dodging the Elders for several years for all the shit to settle down and for them to be left alone. They both have JDub family members, and all of the speak to them.


  • Aware!

    It's easier to make friends now that I'm not pushing 'worldly' people away. Unbeknownst to my parents, I have been secretly hanging out with them and going to places. I hate having people pity me, but I've told two of them my situation already. I NEVER mentioned what my religion was to one, and after describing life as a JW, practices and doctrines, he told me it sounded like a high-control group. I'll let him know next time I see him in school. Who knew 'worldly' people were nice and not devil worshippers? Lol.

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