Marital problems - advice (or support) please

by jamesmahon 63 Replies latest social family

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  jamesmahon

  Hi All

  Completely non-JW related this but value the diversity of experience and viewpoint on this forum. I am going to sketch this out quick as I can but please ask any questions if the gaps need filling.

  As some may know, I have been married for 12 years with two children (8 and 4). My wife stopped work when the eldest was born and has been a stay at home mum since. She hated her job before she had the children and I always said that whatever she wanted to do work or study wise when the children were born it would be up to her.

  She had PN depression for a couple of years after our first and made my life hell. It hurt but I understand that it was not her fault and have never blamed her for that.

  She has accused me of having affairs three times (once with her sister). Never cheated once or even had anything close to an emotional affair. Two of these women were just people I worked with and the suspicions with her sister were because I once stayed up talking to her for five minutes (literally) after my wife had gone to bed. In the meantime my wife confessed to me that she had chatted up an instructor at the local gym but the guy had said he had a girlfriend so he wasn't interested. I just laughed it off - it hurt but nothing had happened (well, say 'nothing' but in a way I felt she had cheated on me really. What if the bloke had responded to her advances?)

  That autumn I go to australia to be with my cousin who was really ill. As soon as I land I get an email from her saying that she doesn't love me and it is all over. No ones fault blah blah blah.

  I got back and patched things up. She said she was just tired of arguing. She spends most of the time trying to gaslight me and in the end I crack and then I am the bad guy.

  She took a temporary job distributing the census last year (I filled in the application form for her and then had to support her through the tears when she was saying she couldn't do it). After she finished I was checking her email (not checking up - we were finishing the house at the time and the architect was emailing us through her address and we were waiting for him to get back with something urgent). Anyway, she had an email from her manager from the census saying responding to an email from her (which had been deleted) saying that it would be innapropriate to meet up and he was married anyway so please don't get back in touch. I asked my wife about this and she said she just wanted some friends and this guy was friendly. Hmm. Just let it go.

  Sex had become almost none existent and it was always me who instigated it. Whilst sex is important to me it was the affection I missed. That feeling that someone loves you and cares enough to spend time with you physically. The final straw came when we did have sex one morning and then she got in the hump and said "you forced yourself on me". I absolutely did not and told her that is tantamount to saying I raped her. Roll on a couple of weeks and we have a big row and after it has calmed down she says that she just does not love me. Does not know why and no point asking she says. I said I did not get married to be celibate and she said that it would not bother her if I met someone else (this was said calmly, not in a row). I cannot sleep with someone who does not love me and so for the past two months have been sleeping on the sofa bed in my daughter's room.

  So here were are. For the past two months we have not argued much at all, but she goes through periods where it is clear she hates me being in the same space as her. I have said that when the kids are grown up we can split but I cannot imagine not waking up everyday with my children. To give a bit of background I work from home and have done since my daughter was born and spend at least as much time with both of them as my wife. I earn good money, we live in a lovely part of the country and the children are amazing (ok, I am a bit biased). I have said to her that I will continue to support her to do anything she wants in her life - be it retraining or volunteering or anything. She just says she will have no money when we split up when the kids are grown and has become a bit obsessive about this.

  Plan is to build a pod/room in the garden over the summer that will become my office and bedroom.

  Sorry for the ramble. Would be really interested in thoughts from people about what they would do or have done in similar situations.
• 

  jgnat

  She is immature. She cheats on you (she does it so assumes you do too). I think you should take back some of your promises. It is not healthy to remain in a loveless marriage. Not for you, not for her, and not for the children. For her sake and yours, let her go. But give her only as much financial support as she is entitled to through a mediator.

  Working out custody, visitation, and support will be a continuing trial, but the payback is that you will be free.

  By the way, work it out so she is the one who leaves the family home. Could you afford a small apartment for her, six months paid rent?
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  jamesmahon

  I am not sure she has actually ever done the deed with anyone else - although this appears to be more due to lack of other parties returning the advances.

  I could afford a seperate residence yes. But she will not go. Been there. Completely biased comment coming up: it feels like the whole seperation thing is very much in the wife's favour. If I had behave like her she could kick me out and get the police to do it. I can't. I fear (I mean really fear) what she will accuse me of in the future.
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  jgnat

  Yeah, I understand you have evidence of trying...just not execution. She has emotionally separated from you and accuses you of cheating. Which makes me think she is guity of this very thing. Even if it is only in her mind.

  Work through and fully understand that fear. I've seen very, very bad marriages that were held together with the glue of fear. It might have gone a lot better to surgically separate before it festers.

  Perhaps rent War of the Roses as a date movie.
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  jamesmahon

  Thanks jgnat. Both our parents divorced and they were bad marriages. Never thought it would happen to me.
• 

  jgnat

  Don't be too hard on yourself. It can happen to the best of us. I spent many years as part of a divorce recovery group, and my first husband was abusive. I am convinced that anyone can be conned in to a bad marriage. Heck, I've been conned in to hiring dud employees. The only difference perhaps between those with great marriages and those of us who had to leave is that victims stick around longer to get hurt. Smart people get out while the going is good.

  After my last note I recalled we have a recent "success" story of a tough divorce. You might want to check it out, "Anony Mous"
• 

  IsaacJ22

  Unless there's a way of improving her issues, I'm inclined to agree with jgnat. I have had some similar issues with my wife, though that was years ago.

  Unless there's a light at the end of this tunnel, I would get off now.

  Frankly, the longer you wait, the longer it will take to get past it all. I would make a plan, think about how this is going to go down, probably talk to someone who knows about this stuff from experience AND a lawyer, and get ready. I don't know how the laws work where you are, but I'd keep any evidence of infidelity or attempted infidelity. It might be important later. Her lawyers will do anything they can to work things to her advantage even if she wouldn't do anything to hurt you (though she clearly would).

  Sooner or later, you will hate your life so much that you will do anything to get away. Or you'll wish you had. :-( If she can't be helped, you are only prolonging your misery to no end. It will end one way or another. It may as well be on your terms.

  Sorry I don't have better news, but I've seen it happen again and again to people. I don't recommend it. Change is scary, just like going from a JW to leaving the WTS. But many XJWs get through. Many people get through divorce. You will too, my friend. It can be better than this.
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  jamesmahon

  Thanks both. It is not me I am worried about. No chlidren I would just leave. Christ I have been through worse. But it is the children. I guess it always is.

  Isaac - if you don't mind me asking, how did things pan out with your wife?
• 

  nugget

  It sounds as if you are both emotionally out of the marriage, your wife certainly is showing interest in other men and has cheated emotionally if not physically. I understand that you love your children and do not want to be seperated from them. But is it actually good for them to be experiencing the atmosphere ay home where their parents are distant with one another. If your wife has tried twice to find a lover then she is likely to keep trying. Although you feel that you can remain together for the present, things change. What if she does find someone who is receptive to her advances? How long can you live without an emotional or physical connection? It is natural to want to be loved.

  I would speak to a solicitor who specialises in family law and take independent advice. If you have been involved with the children from an early age and work from home then your rights may be greater than you imagine. The main issue is that your wife does not work and does not appear to want to either so that unless she can find someone who is willing to keep her in the style to which she has become accustomed she will be fighting you for every penny she can get.

  Whatever you decide it is important that the children know that you love them very much and that nothing happening between their parents is their fault.
• 

  IsaacJ22

  I has gotten better because they gave her birth control meds that had the emotional meds already in them. Before, she kept lying to her doctors and telling them everything was fine and not taking the meds anyway. She still has OCD problems which are hard. But it's way better than it was. Her family used to be down on me, but now we don't have much contact with them. So :D

  If there's a light at the end of the tunnel for you, that's one thing. If not, it will almost surely end one way or another, man. :-( I would push for something to make her better (if there's anything you haven't done) or I'd leave this sinking ship.

  BTW, one of the reasons she might be trying to cheat is because she thinks the right guy will make it better. But it won't. It's all about her problems. Right now, she probably blames you for all of them.

  Whatever you do, I wish you the best.