Thanks Cofty - and I will get in touch I promise. Scottish summer holidays have started and trying to get out of the house is a bit of nightmare but will make the effort. Hope your feeling a little better.
Marital problems - advice (or support) please
by jamesmahon 63 Replies latest social family
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drewcoul
Your key is going to be "Differentiation" for both of you. I am not a therapist, so I am not about to give advice to you, but I see one regularly and he has helped my wife and I in an unbelievable way.
Let me recommend a book: "Family Evaluation" by Murray Bowen, Phd. I also recommend a therapist who uses "Family Systems Therapy." There are several good systems of therapy, but I think Family Systems is the best. It has caused a total paradigm shift in my life and shown me how to help all relationships in my life be healthy and fulfilling.
Best Wishes!
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Heaven
James... from your second last post I would say that "Acts of Service" is one of your top 2 Love Languages but not one of your wife's.
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Magwitch
James...So sorry that you are going through this. I was in a very unhappy marriage for 20 years. When I finally had the courage to walk away my daughters were 13 and 14 (that was over six years ago). It was one of the best things I ever did. My husband was toxic and it sounds to me as if your wife is too. I had no idea how enjoyable everyday of life could be without that poisonous atmosphere. You do deserve happiness, get rid of the things (and people) in your life that are preventing this. It will be difficult at first, but brighter days are ahead.
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AGuest
You know Aguest, when a woman is being physically abused by a man would you say: "Again, there are two sides. Could be you're a difficult woman to be married to (no offense; they're out there, too)"
Physically abused, no, of course not, dear JM (again, peace to you!). My apologies if I overlooked it but I did not get that you were saying you are being physically abused. In that case, I would tell you that you MUST leave... and immediately... and take the children with you. For their sakes as well as yours.
She is not always awful - sometimes we get along fine.
Which is why I immediately assume she is solely at fault (although she well may be). I didn't perceive any physical abuse.
Just as is the case for most abusive relationships I guess.
Perhaps. Not sure I can say "most," but maybe you can. And that's okay.
I try desperately not to argue but just as the woman who is beaten by her husband sometimes you fight back.
Yes, absolutely. No problem there.
And in just the same way as with physical abuse sometimes the injured party has to get out for their own sake as well as their children.
I absolutely agree.
I'm sorry, but your attitude just stinks of "well, all men are at heart selfish bastards really.
Didn't say that, at all. Not even close. And I'm sorry you took it that way (although, you might have to ask yourself why that is).
She would not be behaving like this if only you were a better husband."
(Smile) I can see where you might think that that's all I meant, but truly it does "cut" both ways, dear one. Here's the thing:
I was married to a man who everyone thought was wonderful. Magnificent. I never spoke ill of him to others - just thought it too disrespectful... of him, myself, and our relationship. Maybe I should have, I don't know. But he didn't return that kindness. Rather, to have him tell it "I" was the "reason" for all of the marital problems. The JWs saw him working hard (he did), a man loved by the elderly and children (he was)... a very tall, very good looking man, especially in a suit! (he was)... such that he was almost a "god" among them. Unfortunately, he had another aspect to his life that caused him to be quite different at home. The only ones who knew of it were me and the kids.
So, when things started getting a little... ummmmm... weird... between us, he is the one who went to the elders, our friends, etc., and talked about what he was "missing" in the relationship (nothing, but he needed to set himself up... and he had reason to do so). To the point that I was told by elders that "if only [I] was a better wife, etc." One even suggested that perhaps he beat me (apparently, that's what worked for HIM... when he and HIS wife were younger - note, his wife never became a JW... and was actually quite verbally abusive to him... particularly in front of JWs... during their later years - they were married more than 50 years - she died last year. I digress.)
We have a VERY good relationship the first 8 years, so it blew my mind when I first learned that he was talking about our relationship to others in the way he was and what he was saying (which was SO far from the truth!). I said nothing... for about 4 years. Not because I was afraid to; again, I just thought it disrespectful. I also didn't understand, yet, why he was doing it.
At some point, people... even some who called themselves our friends (his AND mine) started treating me... well, funky. He would say things, the kids and I would look at him like, "What the...?? Where did THAT story come from? That's not what happened/how it went down", etc. When it finally did get to the point that I became more candid (had to; his lies were just getting over the top and I had to choose what was best for the KIDS)... no one believed me. He was... again... a god. And I should have been grateful to have such a man (eyeroll, here). They just couldn't imagine that he would do/make up/say what he was. Not him.
It took some time... but folks finally began to see what was really going on, that he was attempting to sabotage MY name and reputation... to cover over some things he was doing (things I kept quiet because... well, he was my husband and it wasn't anyone else's business, IMHO. I wan't the run-tell-the-elders type of wife. And it wasn't illegal, per se, but was absolutely unethical, if not immoral, IMHO... and I would say so. It was my finally trying to speak to him about it, get him to stop... that caused the beginning of the rift between us - "You're such a goody-goody," etc.)
So that by the time he DID get into illegal stuff (drugs... and the lies and other things that come with that, etc.), no one believed me: he was just too good of a guy, in their opinions... and I needed to be a better wife. I was making things up... he would "never", not the man THEY knew, etc., etc. Man, oh man, though, when all of THEIR eyes were opened... and they finally "saw" him for him... and what he was [doing]. He took a LOT from a LOT of people, including many "savvy" (or so they thought) JWs.
And I am the one who had to pay it all back. Because I felt like since we were married at the time, it was my responsibility to do so. He's never paid a dime back. To me... OR such others.
Now, I realize that you might think that my own experience might have negatively colored my view here some, but I truly don't think so. You come here and give your side. Cool. And I addressed that. But, in the spirit of being REALISTIC, I also noted that there could be another side, one which we may never hear. Could be she IS bonkers... or just conniving, etc. Could be she's reacting to things occurring in her life. Could be she's reacting to you. COULD be... that she's entirely unaware of any of this... and the extent of the problems in your marriage. Who here knows? We don't. And so I don't want to just assume she's the problem... because I don't really know, do I?
So, if she is completely at fault (and she may be) and you're not (and that's entirely possible), dear one... there really is nothing in what I shared that judges... or condemns... you.
Again, peace to you!
A slave of Christ,
SA, still keeping it real...
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jamesmahon
So let me get this straight Aguest. It was all your husband's fault then? Interesting that. Well, guess we only have your word. Sure if we spoke to him we would find there would be two sides. Maybe you were not the wife you could or should have been?
Aguest, we have had a couple of run ins. Many people here think you are great and I am sure you are a lovely person and mean well. But sometimes you should know when to just not post because accusing someone you don't know who is feeling isolated and just looking for some support of being a liar is just so low I don't know how you sleep at night. Because I have so much incentive to lie haven't I because I am such an attention whore on this board. Or maybe I beat her and am just trying to leave a trail should I finish her off to prove how awful she has been. Or you know what, maybe you should just accept that I am telling the truth. How did you feel when nobody believed you?
You say 'peace' out of one side of your mouth whilst saying 'you lieing bastard' out of the other.
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apostatethunder
James, it is very sad, but it seems the marriage is clearly over for her. You both have the right to be happy, and most importantly you have two small children.
Whatever shortcomings your wife has, she is their mother, and even if you remarry another woman, this other woman will only be their step mother.
Your children have the right to be with their mother, and how you handle the divorce and the custody will affect them psychologically for the rest of their lives. Just remember this before you make any decisions. They deserve that you put their best interest ahead of your own.
All the best.
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dreamgolfer
I think the comments are good - Zeb is right and the comments by "tec" is good too -
"What about marriage counselling? - Plan "A"
And yeah, most of the time it is about the children... at least it is to those the parents who love them. It can paralyze you. Stop you from making the decision, for fear of how that decision will affect them - short and long term. I know. I understand.
If both mom and dad are miserable and hating one another; then the kids can pick up on that too. Make sure that they get lots of love and reassurance from you regardless of any decision that you and your wife make. "
LOOK, if she is willing to go, you have nothing to lose and EVERYTHING TO GAIN, see if she iwilling for the sake of your marriage and your children,
If not - a plan "B" would be good to have,
Where do you live?
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jamesmahon
Apostatethunder - I always would put my children's interests above my own, which is why I am still here. I had step mothers myself and so would not do that to my own children. My children have the same right to be with me as much as their mother. As dreamgolfer (I am in Scotland btw) says it is not healthy for the children to have a toxic relationship visited on them. If we are both happy we will undoubtedly be better parents. Just trying to find out how that can happen. But the thought of no love, closeness, support and affection for at least the next 15 years is hard to even consider. But if that is the sacrifice that gives my children the best childhood that the current situation can offer then so be it. I don't know if it is yet and all the comments from people who have gone through similar are really helpful so a big thank you to you all.
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dreamgolfer
The reason I ask (I used to live in UK) is that you can get FREE Therapy there, the sessons, better meds for her (and you if you want to partake) can make a world of difference.
In my past experience - couples fight and have problems with only one of 2 things (or both ) SEX and MONEY - Fix one first, then the other one second, it will work if both are fixable, A real therapist - one who is a professional, can do the dirty work for you, if you have exhausted that options, then Plan "B" may be better, just make sure you tell your kids EVERY DAY - " I LOVE YOU" thats all they want to hear form their daddio.
Ciao and PM me anytime!
DG