I've lurked a long time: JW's produce some of the most paranoid humans

Unlearn

Hi...

I'll keep this brief for now.
Long time lurker (4 years or so).
Born-in, elder, used on district level (last talk i gave before i left was the baptisimal talk), and lots of hard time put in...before i finally made the move to split. It's a long stoy, much like many of yours...but with it's own little interesting twists. More details in the future, perhaps.

As i said, ive lurked here for a while.
Its funny: for a long time i'd only come on late at night. Part of this was due to hiding from my wife (who fortunately is now also out of the org). Still, part of it was this very weird feeling of a more 'complete' secrecy, under the cover of night...hiding from myself? From jehovah? We feel more secure in the dark. I would keep my head downward in these sessions...in a physical attempt of sorts to 'hide' from Jehovah. As if by doing so, I would avoid eye-contact with his almighty gaze. I lived that way for years, while 'taking the lead' in the light of day.

I resisted officially joining here for so long, wondering what would happen if the org got ahold of my identity. Thw way I was being used...well, it would be scandalous and affect a lot of people. What if the owners of this site were indeed in cahoots with Watchtower...and at some point, in one fell-swoop, dimed me out? Of course, this is irrational thinking: I was raised one of Jehovah's Witnesses, so it came easy.

I've had to unlearn much of what has been planted in me over a lifetime: thus, my username. It's an ongoing process...a continual 'weeding' of sorts...and these 'weeds' have gotten all tangled in among the roots of things that I must protect and preserve.
But, my life is mine.
It's an amazing gift, and it's mine. I control it! I worship myself and my dreams and my ideas...and I reserve the right to change my mind about everything...anytime I'd like. And the beautiful and glorious logic that was the shadow in my head, always ignored...it's been allowed to run free, and indulge itself in all sorts of nasty and sacreligious ideas.

Did I say this would be brief?
I'm sorry.
Nice to meet you all. Thanks to many of you for circling around my flickering flame and protecting it for years...even when you didn't know I was there.
You didn't even know you were aiding-&-abetting in the act of saving what was left of my life.
I love you.

-unlearn

breakfast of champions

Great first post, I can totally relate, UNLEARN.

skeeter1

Welcome!

The funny thing about being a raised in, is that the JW religion is your first imprinting on your mind of how to view the world. Those who come to the Truth later in life, and then leave it, have a non-JW perception of reality to return to. But, those of us who were raised in, don't have it. I catch myself so many times looking at something, and seeing it as I did as a JW. Even, if it's a BMW or kids playing soccer. I think materialism or competition. In other words, I am judgemental as they come. I have to stop myself so many times. What I'm trying to say, is that you are likely going to struggle with unlearning things for a long time. You will walk this Earth now, like a stranger in a strange land.

Like you, I spent many years of my life being convinced of the Truth. To reject it, is very freeing. To begin to accept new ideas, and most importantly the idea that one is never certain of any "Truth." I am most comfortable with those who do not know the answers to the mysteries of life, then with those who claim to know them.

Skeeter

Dudu

Welcome unlearn.... This website has done a lot to help me too ... we are living the same experience at different stages i think ... great post

DarioKehl

welcome unlearn! I took the same leap and joined about a year ago. It's a tough step. Keep shedding layers. You'll find support on here.

skeeter1

And, the best part about joining is that you get to read our debates on everything - pollitics, news, etc. We are all new debaters, and it sometimes gets heated. Keep your sense of humor, ok?

shamus100

Don't post anything personal on this forum. Ex-jw's are everywhere, and you will be found out. ;) I've met three people from previous congregations here.

Paranoia aside, naturally...

factfinder

Welcome Unlearn!

I wish someone I knew personally was on jwn!

jamiebowers

Welcome! I've been out for more than 20 years, been on this board for four years and have never met a single person in a congregation that I'd attended.

Unlearn

Thanks so much guys...

Yes, through lurking, ive seen the debates. though im a new 'poster', i know the place well...everything from the wonderful posts of Barbara Anderson to the shameless hustle of the Kool-Aid-Man. ;)

My story is a bit weirder...there's some aspects of it that are different. But then, this is likely true of all here. I've been away for a bit of time now. My final year being mentally free but physically still in (in an eventually successful attempt to get my lovely wife out of the cult) was interesting...as I was being used very...um...'visibly'. The stress and melancholy was beyond words. Dealing with C.O.'s and D.O.'s and the branch...and at the same time fully understanding that 'power' is only inherent in what you give it to. These men have no real power. Human beings lay down for each other.
Sitting in meetings was horrible. The guilt and depression were rough. Having friends who would come to me to talk, for advice, for counsel, to admit wrongdoings. In that last year, more than once I told someone who had committed a 'sin' to go home and talk with their family, or a doctor, or a professional. Don't come to us. Don't beat yourself up. Let it go. That last year, I was the perfect elder to come to if you wanted a 'pass'.

But, as was stated, the layers keep coming off. I expect they will forever. When you're long-time born-in...it's a process that I believe never ends.
Cool thing is this: life is so much sweeter.
A Sunday morning. Goodness. A delicious 12-letter curse word at just the right time. Amazing. ;)

I've lurked a long time: JW's produce some of the most paranoid humans

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