Thanks everyone for the hugs, encouraging words, beers, and such!
I will get through this challenge. Learning to walk includes a lot of falling on your butt. That's what happened to me yesterday. I took a hard fall on my backside. It hurt really bad. Yeah, I wanted to pitch a fit and never walk again. But after the dust settles and the swelling goes down, I get back up. The world hasn't ended. Bombing an exam is hardly the worst thing that has ever happened to anyone.
I did very well in community college. It wasn't easy, but I think the rest of my life was fairly undistracting (for lack of a better word). Now that I've moved off to uni, life is many times more loaded with distractions. So many changes in my life makes it difficult to really concentrate. At the comm coll, they sent out almost no email to the students and there were very few clubs. Now I get about a dozen emails everyday from the uni, different departments and organizations. Lots of pressure to go to different meetings for this or that, join this or that society or club, thousands of people to meet, and an entire metropolis accessible via my transit pass. And if you didn't "get involved," you weren't being a "good student." Yeah, it was that mind control thing that awoke, telling me "you need to be a good student by doing whatever the latest email says." The perfectionism came back, and with it the self-esteem issues, etc. Just a whole lot of crap.
One of the flashbacks yesterday was how my dismissal from bethel was based on the first flaw I'd ever really shown during my bethel career. After slaving obediently for well over a decade, I was thrown out like so much trash. I don't think that the university is going to dismiss me for a couple of bad exams. And I hope that if I'm not the "perfect apostate," I won't get dismissed from this forum. Although this circumstance today is unpleasant, I think this may be a good opportunity for the psychologist to help me deal with the crap in my head. It's far better to unravel this now than years down the road. I'd wanted to think that I could somehow fade and just go on with a wonderful new life. But life is far more complex than that. Some things need to be fixed and there's plenty to be salvaged. In spite of this setback, I can look inside myself and see that I'm going in the right direction. It's not "imperfection" or "sin", it's just a part of learning, living, and growing. It's part of living a real life like a real person, instead of my former life, sucked so deeply inside a fake "spiritual paradise" with fake "love" and fake "perfection".
Now that I've fallen down and looked at things better from ground level, I can say, "that was dumb." Yeah Zid, there's some simplifying to do. I've ruled out joining a society that extended the "privilege" of membership. They didn't even promise me a pet lion in the very near future, so what's the point in joining them? And a couple other things will get deleted from my schedule, too. I'll get the tutoring figured out here and focus on exactly what and who will help me learn. It won't leave a lot of time for socializing and fun, but work comes first, fun will naturally follow. Certainly, this situation gives me a very good reason to say "no" to whatever at school, KH meetings (haven't been to any since I moved), etc. that get pushed on me. At this point, I will leave room in my schedule for showering... but we'll see.
I won't completely leave here... where else would I go? You all are always right about everything! Lately, I've mostly been reading from my smartphone rather than commenting. But, if any of you start getting soft on Botchtower Corp, I'll be logging in from the nearest computer and setting you straight!
Another reason I'm frustrated... I didn't get raptured during OBVES latest prediction of THE END! I should have studied real math, instead of his fuzzy math chronology!
Oh, and another reason I'm emotional, frustrated, and impatient... I just turned another year older! Now all these kids around me are... like... another year younger than... like... me!
Enough smilies, time to eat, then back to homework, beer, bed, repeat.
Love y'all!