New here looking for some help

by angel.face 49 Replies latest jw friends

  • lola-rabbit

    Hello, I am also new here. Although my situation is a little different, I feel your anxiety. I was born in the truth, my entire family is JW's, and my daughters (which when they are with their father drills their little brains with JW teachings, something I will have to undo and work on little by little). My current husband is not JW and has supported me in every way.

    I'm still holding on because of my parents, it would be a big deception and heart ace for them if I leave the org. I go to some meetings, some assemblies, have not preaches in years... but they still consider me part of the org. I agree with Cedars post about being patient and cautious about the comments that you make, even to your husband. I know the ideal situation would be for everyone to think for themselves and not let their minds be blinded, but you will be labeled an apostate if you are not careful. I have slowly talked to my daughters about certain things, but at the same time not showing rebellion. As far as my parents go, they are old and I think I will cause more harm then good by expressing my way of thinking to them, I do not think I could convince them at this point. That is why I have decided that with time, and as I slowly walk away from the org I will not share my true thoughts with anyone in the org. I personally don’t think it's worth risking my family’s relationship over trying to convince them. It's a big risk to take. It's so sad how a supposedly LOVING org, the TRUE org will stamp an APOSTATE stamp on your forehead, never to be removed, completely exiled just because you do not agree with their teachings. :(

  • Cadellin

    Hi and welcome!! First, let me say that my situation is almost identical to yours except that my husband has been an elder for about 15 years or so, and I only have one child. Other than that--just about the same. My discovery of the dishonest use of secular quotes to support creation was the tipping point for me and, like yourself, once I started researching, the whole house of cards came tumbling down. If you haven't read Crisis of Conscience, do it now. It's eye-opening and truly inspiring.

    I haven't read Hassan's book but its at the top of my list, so I can't help you out there. I do know that my husband and I have been through some rough times b/c of what I've learned. However, he's run interference b/w me and the other elders so that my fade has been pretty easy and quiet, so that says something. He's admitted that the literal flood is an impossibility, so that's another chink in the wall. I go to Sunday meetings to keep the peace and that's it. We've reached detente and I've decided to back off. For now anyway. Once I read Hassan's book, I may try another tactic.

    Regardless of what method anyone chooses, it does take time and patience. I suggest that, if you love your husband and want to stay together, go out of your way to be a really great wife and friend in every other "normal" area of life. It's sort of like what the WT advises when a sister has an opposing mate, ironically! Draw closer to him every way you can; not only will it strengthen your marriage and maybe even safeguard it, it could go a long way to softening his reception of your [frightening and threatening] new ideas.

    Please keep us posted--we're interested to know how it goes.

  • Cadellin

    Welcome, too, to lola-rabbit!

    Yes, my parents are aged and devout as well. I had a recent, harrowing confrontation with them, which I posted about a little while back. As you suggest, I am just keeping my mouth shut from here on out, with them anyway. When parents are older, I really think its best to not rock the boat and keep the lines of communication open--oh, ha! That sounded like I was talking about teenagers! I have one of those too!

  • diamondiiz


    Hello. What works for one person may not necessarily work for someone else. What may work for your husband may not work for you mom or vice versa. Unfortunately, many cult members will not change until their time comes, somewhat similar to when JWs recruit someone - there needs to be an event that may change person's perspective on things.

    You have to be careful how you approach your husband because many jw/non-jw marriages end in divorce no matter how loving the couple was prior to the change. In your situation, the problem is that if you tell your husband too much and he runs to the elders, you will be questioned on your trust in WTS as God's channel of communication. This is a quick way of getting yourself DF, if you tell them that you don't believe GB is God's channel on earth. As with most cult members, your indoctrinated family may trust GB before you so be careful how you approach them and how you bring up your doubts.

    You may do study together with your husband. Maybe, a good oppertunity would be to bring up the new WT articles on 607BC and actually research what wts wrote and bring out the points. There are several indepth discussions on this forum that may help you with your research. Stick what WTS wrote, use the sources they used but read the sources, to get what the authors are actually saying and see how wts twists things, or how they cherry pick words to fit into their preconcieved idea. You can point out that wts is using sly words to make the reader have doubt in secular work if one doesn't go to the actual source but blindly trusts wts. As always use words that won't make your husband go running to the elders. See how he researches the topic and what reaction he gets. If you feel, he's getting too upset with you and you can see that the real truth doesn't matter to him, you may have to back off.

    At this point think what's most important for you and the consequences in the worst case senario may be. If the worst case may be divorce, think whether you can leave and support 2 kids.

    Many here will give you some good advise, but don't rush into anything as leaving WTS cult will alter your life, play it slow and think deeply before you do and say anything.

  • leavingwt

    Here's one piece of advice. . .

    You will be asked, repeatedly and at different times, whether or not you "still believe that WT is God's Organization". If you want to continue a diaologe, you MUST always answer 'Yes', every single time. If you ever say 'No', you will be dismissed, in their minds, for good.

    This highlights one of the challenges that faces a JW when trying to use Hassan's methods. (This is even more difficult, when the dynamic is a husband and a wife.) Ideally, the person using Hassan's suggestions will be someone who has never been a JW. Anyone who has ever been a JW will be written off as an apostate, someone who has been misled, etc.

    Welcome and good luck.

    Love and patience are you only real tools.

  • cedars

    I have to agree with leavingwt - it sounds scary, but you will need to get comfortable with the idea of deception for a "greater cause" if you don't want things to get very bad, very quickly. That goes against the grain of our witness beliefs, but (in their ruthlessness) the Society have left us with no other options. They effectively have our families as their hostages, so we need to be a bit clever to get them back.

  • scotoma

    Win them over without a word. You are free to read and inadvertently leave reading material out in the open. Find old publications (best) or search Watchtower CD and book mark them and underline the nonsense with a bright highlighter. Especially the articles telling young people not to go to college (1969) because they will never be able to fullfil their career goals before the end.

    There is enough stuff in the Watchtower publications to get anyone to doubt.

    If anyone questions you they will have to confront their own publications. All you have to say is that you are doing research.

    Eventually, you might keep a journal with your questions.

    If your husband takes your material to the Elders he will have seriously breeched husband/wife confidentiality.

    This is the same method they reccomend to women with unbelieving husbands.

  • angel.face

    Thank you all for your comments! I really appreciate your input! I realize that if I go now then I won't be able to help anyone wake up. But on the flip side, my kids are young and I feel sorry for them growing up in the borg. I feel bad lying to them. This tears me up inside. Yes, i've read CoC. Ill never forget the stomach-twisting pain I felt when reading it. As regards divorce, whatever happened to 'what God has yoked together let no man put apart'? Can he really divorce me if im no longer a witness? What reasoning do they use for that?

  • leavingwt

    As regards divorce, whatever happened to 'what God has yoked together let no man put apart'? Can he really divorce me if im no longer a witness? What reasoning do they use for that?

    angel.face: Please listen very carefully. JW husbands and wives 'leave' their apostate mates ALL THE TIME. Keep reading this board and you'll find dozens, if not hundreds of divorced people who had ideal marriages prior to one learning the truth about 'The Truth'. If you keep quiet about what you know, you can control the timing of the (almost certain) negative fallout.

    You need to be prepared to be a single mother with half or no custody of your children, if you decide to leave the organization.

    So, do you have a way to earn a living? Do you have money for deposits on utilities at an apartment, etc? If not, begin making your financial plans, now. IF your husband decides that you are a "spiritual threat" to his children, all gloves may come off.

    I wish none of this were true. You (and all of us) deserve better. But, this is the reality of where we find ourselves.

    Again, so long as you don't say anything to anyone, you can control the timing of any potential fallout.

  • breakfast of champions
    breakfast of champions

    I think it might be best to lay low for awhile. One of the best points Hassan makes is trying to reach the "non cult personality" in your husband, kill him with kindness and spend more time doing activities outside of the org.


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