New here looking for some help

by angel.face 49 Replies latest jw friends

  • angel.face


    Long story short, I have been a JW for the pst 7 years. I am married with 2 kids. Hubby is a die hard JW who is an MS and would like to be elder. My husband's immidiate fam are all JWs and my mother is a JW as well. We are very involved with the cong. we always have get - togethers and I am the one throwing showers for everyone.

    I have had questions about my beliefs all along but have been silencing we are told to do...'just trust in Jehovah and he will reveal things in his due time'. I have known a few lawyers, doctors and scientists who are JWs and I reasoned that they are such smart people and they believe that this is the truth....I should too and I should not question it (now I realize this type of reasoning is very common and majorly flawed! and the smartest people make the best cult members). About a month and a half ago the smallest unscriptual WT teaching made me go back to my questions and examine the 'truth' for myslef. Well, you know the rest.....

    I made a huge mistake early on. I shared some of my thoughts with my husband. I thought that maybe he would have some of the same doubts. ANd maybe I can help him to see the 'truth' for what it is. We are close and tell each other everything. But we are not on the same page when it came to this. He got quite defensive and when he couldnt answer a question I posed he said "do I have to witness to you now?". Since then he's been pushing a shepherding call. I have made it clear that I do not wish to have one. I know that I will get dfd's just a matter of time. I would like to stick a round for a little while to try to get my family to think for themselves...get them to view things sfrom a different prespective. I realize this is difficult and requires patience and caution....but for the sake of my family I would like to do everything I can in my power to help them become critical thinkers.

    Last week I started researching steven Hassan's methods of exit counselling and I would like to use some of his suggestions...while I can. HAs anyone used any of his methods effectively? which questions did you find most effective? What worked and what didn't?

    As far as I understand his approach is:

    - present info about other cults draw indirect parallels

    - discuss phobias and how they are applied in a belief system

    - find out what it would take for the person to question their beliefs

    - Demonstrate flaws in belief system

    Please correct me if Im wrong about the above.

    I think as long as I am not dfd I will have some credibility with my mom and my husband but as soon as I become an 'apostate' anything I say will be disregarded.

    Looking forward to your feedback :) (so sorry if spelling is wrong...Im usually very anal about these things but am in a hurry right now)

  • palmtree67

    A poster here who goes by "leavingwt" used Hassan's methods to free his brother, another poster here "mentally free31".

    You could search for their posts on here.

    Good luck to you. My hubby is "out" physically, but still partially "in" mentally.


  • tenyearsafter


    You are in a tough situation, but one that many on this board have faced. I will let them advise you as my situation was not the same. I wish you the best in your journey on your path to freedom!

  • Ding

    Randy Watters (Dogpatch) has worked a lot with Steve Hassan.

    You might PM him and ask him for his advice.

    If you need help figuring out how JWN's PM system works, just ask and someone will walk you through the process.

  • cedars

    angel.face - I just wanted to give you a huge welcome. I know it will have taken a lot of bravery for you to even come this far, and I just want to welcome you and let you know that we are all very proud of you (I'm sure I can speak for everyone in saying that).

    I don't have much experience with Steve Hassan's book, and leavingwt seems to the the authority on this forum. He would be well worth a PM.

    All I can say is be EXTREMELY patient, cautious and conciliatory with your husband if you want to avoid being disfellowshipped. I came close to being the subject of a judicial committee myself (I won't say now how I got out of it), and I soon resolved that it is better to resort to deception than risk being cut off from your family just for the sake of making some kind of 'statement' (not that it came to that, fortunately). If you have seen how bad it is, you will realise now that your elders were NOT appointed by holy spirit, so it's pointless indulging their whims. The Society are constantly changing their procedures and protocols, but once you are disfellowshipped, you remain disfellowshipped forever unless you resubmit yourself to their control. An elder who disfellowships you might even be removed, and the rule by which you were disfellowshipped changed, but you would still remain disfellowshipped and cut off from your loved ones. Is it really worth losing your family for the sake of divulging information that they are not truly entitled to?

    It's a horrible situation to be in. I am very fortunate in that my wife was very sympathetic to my doubts almost instantly, although I know it's not the same for everyone. Try not to take their doubts and convictions too personally. They are just reacting in the way they believe to be right. If you play this correctly, you will have time on your side, and miracles can be achieved given enough time.

    PS - I assume if you have already read Steve Hassan that you have read Crisis of Conscience? I can point you in the direction of reading it for free online if you haven't.

  • carla

    Welcome! lots of great ideas on this site! My advice would be to move slowly and seek other posters who have been SUCCESSFUL in getting loved ones out. Someone has a book out about going undercover to get family out. I hope someone can post the title, I have forgotten it. She was df'd then got reinstated and then got family out. Good luck!

  • skeeter1


    Because you have children, I think it's very wise to do whatever is possible to keep the family intact (unless your husband is beating you/kids).

    If you disagree and are disfellowshipped, your husband may divorce you. He could try to get custody of the children. As he is an elder want-to-be, he will be under pressure to do so. Since his family is in, they could help him take care of the children. He will be doing this for Jehovah, and likely saving the children from your "evilness." He will then be able to fully indoctrinate the kids into the JWs and away from their mother.

    Better to stay in the marriage and guide the children as much as possible away from the Watchtower (i.e. towards college). As they get to be teenagers, you can help resist their baptism by pointing out their immaturity in other areas. Just get them to 18. Do what it takes. It may mean keeping up a front.

    If your husband beats you, call the police. Make a record of what he is doing - in the police files. Divorce judges can use criminal records to determine fitness of a person to be a parent. It can be a big sway towards primary custody and visitation rights.

    Some have been able to get their families out. Others have not.

    Your husband sounds like he is vested in the JWs for status. If you want him out, you'll have to build his self-esteem in another area so as he will not need to be associated with the JWs. But, given that all of his family is still in . . . it's a hard pull away.

    If you leave, you have to be prepared that your parents are also going to shun you. In your situation, leaving is not an easy road.

    But, welcome. We can help to keep you sane if you choose to stay with the Borg.


  • Mickey mouse
    Mickey mouse

    I used Steve Hassan's methods to reach my husband.

    First off, take it sllllooooowwww. The aim is not to show them the flaws in their beliefs but help them break down the thought stopping processed so that they can see it for themselves.

    Ask questions, don't make statements. If possible, continue to attend meetings with him. You need for him not to see you as the enemy and unfortunately JW spouses are trained to see loyalty even to their spouse as secondary to Jehovah(s organization).

  • Alfred

    Angel face...

    What PalmTree said...

    Also, please try to pace yourself... don't appear desperate when presenting evidence... try to let the evidence speak for itself...

    for example, I once re-watched the DVD Faith In Action Part I (2010) with another brother who is a hard-core JW... i paused the video on the two occasions where the narrator mentioned the Bible Students looking forward to 1914 as the year when Jesus would take his throne. I then asked him him: "so XXXXX, before 1914, the Bible Students were looking forward to 1914 as the year jesus would finally take his throne right?" he said: "of course, that's Biblical".... I then showed him old WT publications I obtained through a friend (like Thy Kingdom Come, Millenium Dawn, Finished Mystery) where it is clearly stated that Jesus took the throne in 1874 and it wasn't until about 1929 that they finally changed 1874 to 1914... in fact, prior to 1914, about the only thing being expected was Armageddon. He was quick to mention Proverbs 4:18 (the light gets brighter...) but I just knew that I struck a nerve because he began to studder and lost his composure...

    Anyway, that's my two...

    but please have evidence readily available before saying anything and let it speak for itself... if it has no effect immediately, be patient... this could take a long time...

    good luck


  • Wasanelder Once
    Wasanelder Once

    Welcome to the out crowd. Slow and easy Angel, just softly flap those wings so that the downdraft is soothing and not a tornado upon their heads. Did you have a good summer?

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