What you are going through is completely normal. Trust me, I’ve been there. I know all about the doubts and the second guessing. I too used to wake up early in the morning with horrible anxiety. Sometimes, I couldn’t eat. It got so bad, I even thought about suicide!
I left the organization right before the District Convention theme came out: “Deliverance At Hand” and the world-wide Kingdom News tract declaring judgment on Babylon the Great was announced. When this happened, I went through horrible anxiety and fear. I asked “what if they’re right?” It was a roller coaster of emotions to say the least.
The one thing that kept me from going back was that I had already done a lot of research into the book of Genesis. I knew one thing unequivocally: humans had been on earth longer than 6,000 years and the Garden of Eden never happened. Think about it: without the Garden of Eden account, the entire JW doctrinal structure collapses. So does the very reason for mankind’s need for salvation! That was the one thing that told me that their doctrinal structure was full of holes. And if their doctrinal structure was so vulnerable and weak, then so was their conception of God.
Here is what broke the fear for me: first I found some people who had been out for a long time, and talked on the phone regularly. When I first left, I talked on the phone with two ex-Elders and an ex-Circuit Overseer. They gave me a sense of clarity that I could not have gotten on my own. Second, I read Ray Franz’s book: In Search of Christian Freedom. This book blew away the Watchtower doctrines, and finally made me 100% convinced that the JWs don’t have the truth.
Today, I am 150% convinced that the JWs don’t have the truth. I know without a single doubt that I made the right decision. Even if I thought they might be right, I still wouldn’t return. I would rather die along with people like the Dalai Lama, than to serve a jealous, petty, psychopathic, mass-murdering god that the Watchtower worships.