Welcome. That was very interesting to hear how you felt teaching your child things that you had not cleared up for yourself. I wish more had a conscience as strong as you do.
When I woke up I resigned as an elder and simply said: 'That's it. I quit!'
This has caused terrible problems as my wife is still zealous and now even more so to compensate for me escaping.
I heard of a guy that used 'family worship' night to wake his family up.
I think he play acted ministry and would ask how to answer certain things the JWs CANNOT answer. As I understand it they woke up and all exited.
Sadly it was too late before I heard of this!
Did you ever go back to school? Your post and reply were well written and I find the way you express yourself to be quite compelling. Perhaps picking up your secular education again (wherever you left off) would be an advantage to both you and your family.
I wish you the best and look forward to hearing more about your ongoing experience.
@zoiks- Good suggestion and I sure can relate to your poker face comment. Im not sure of my external countenance, but internally the result of my hypocricy has been routine punishment of an innocent party, my liver. I need to appoint a new whipping boy.
@punkofnice-Sorry to hear of your situation, I hope it improves. The WT trained conscience is a supreme mechanism. Its reaction to Fluid Intelligence is a predictable shutdown similar to Transmarginal Inhibition. Ive been guilty of such a Pavlovian response many, many times in the past.
@FranklinMassey-Thanks for the complement. My formal education ended in my early teens, but I have a hungry mind and wont rule out further education at this point. Id venture to say Im not the only obtuse feller' online hiding behind a QWERTY block-wall facade.
COBEBeef: I relate to so much you have said. I still have one foot in the door for the sake of family, and if I'm honest with myself, because I am afraid of making the BIG break. Nearly all our friends are IN. Even some who are out (faders) would be afraid to associate with anyone who is DFd or DAd as they don't want to lose their position of Fading. All those people are the only "network" someone has who has been caught up in it for decades because they have alienated or avoided befriending anyone who is "worldly".
Proceed cautiously. Occasionally I have caught myself saying negative things to those that I thought had had their eyes opened (at least partially) only to find that I was struck back with their eyes wide open in amazement and by some Mind Control Reply. I realized what risks I was taking. Better not to become too much of a complainer or you will not be able to stay under the radar.
Instead, I pick up on comments that my wife and others make that are negative or questioning. Anytime they same something the least bit negative, I question them, I ask them to elaborate, I disagree at first, then invite them to offer more discussion or proof of their negative statement until, well, maybe they are right about that after all. Something to really think about......plant the seeds......they will grow on its own.
Hello and welcome ...good to hear about your awareness...I am sure this forum will help you find your way. There are some good people here with a wealth of experience. Take care.
Wow, what an awesome intro post. And what an amazing, caring family person you are. I wish there were a LOT more people just like you out there. Super big thumbs up. Welcome!
Welcome C.O.B.E. Plenty of people here are still "in" for family. Some are elders and MS. Some people may judge, but most understand and are accepting. Individuals have to decide what works best for them and their family.
I wanted to comment on that feeling you had when trying to teach your child. I had something happen to me that I believe may be connected.
Out of the blue, I could no longer discuss spiritual things. If I was with someone that insisted on discussing these things, i would just start crying. It was like a switch. Talk about the KH, and I would cry. I now understand that my brain was many steps ahead of my thoughts. I just couldn't stand to hear it anymore, but didn't know that yet.
We are indeed complex.
Glad you are here C.O.B.E. Your story is very touching
Welcome. Such bravery. Your story is compelling. It's not hypocrisy, what you're doing. One could just as easily call me a coward, since I essentially left my wife in that burning building. Or is it more accurate to save she shoved me out the window of said building? Whatever. The main thing is, you're going to feel completely lost for a time, and maybe even extremely vulnerable, angry, terrified. Been there. It sucks.
Right now what you need is to be able to talk about these feelings and to avoid any major decisions for the time being, if possible. You won't be in much of a position to function until the dust settles emotionally. Trying to do the double agent thing is emotionally excruciating. Afraid of what you say, and yet afraid not to say what you know to be true. It's a terrible place to be.
It might seem like there's no escape and so many awful scenarios are playing out in your mind. Holding onto a cliff that's slowly disappearing... The best thing you can do now is be patient. When you are ready, you will be able to take this bull by the horns and demolish it, if necessary. For that is what you must be prepared for. To lose everything and everyone. To not hesitate when the time comes.
Maybe I'm a cold-hearted monster (or 'self-absorbed cad', depending on who you talk to here), but the fact is, I wasn't ready to let go when I first learned of all these terrible things you're learning now. Well, it's been over a year since I got the boot out of the religion, and I can say with certainty that I should've been colder. It would've saved me a lot of pain. People you trust cannot be trusted anymore. You have to be ready to turn your back on them, as they will turn their backs on you.
I'm not suggesting leaving your marriage mate or anything like that, of course. I'm just saying, the pain you might experience in the worst-case scenario can only be survived if you learn to shut it all off. I can say that and add that you can still recreate intimacy with your mate if it drops a huge bomb on your marriage. A lot of people here have been able to manage it. There is hope. But you have to pass through this storm ahead first.
Stick around. And good luck, man. Luck has nothing to do with this, though. You'll turn out alright. If I made it, and I'm a total weakling, I know you can.