My Wife wants to allow a Sister from her congregation to provide before and after care for my oldest daughter...

by garyneal 32 Replies latest jw friends

  • garyneal

    Should I allow it? When my littlest one was born we knew finding affordable daycare would be tough. A sister in her congregation was suggested over and over and we finally checked her out and allowed her to keep the baby. My oldest has had a fairly normal life (thanks largely to me and my wife before she became a witness) and because of that she is quick to speak of birthdays, holidays, etc.. I want her to continue to have a fairly normal life as I know how hard it would be for her to be 'singled out' because her friends decide to do these things.

    She's about to start kindergarten and my wife wants to try some sister from her congregation who is looking to make some extra money providing before and after care. I am obviously concerned though I tried not to let on exactly why for a while. It appears that my daughter would end up going to the center but this chick does not let up and my wife feels 'obligated' to give her a try and truth is, this person would be cheaper.

    Finally, I just told her my feelings and needless to say it turned into yet another back and forth over religion (something I was trying to avoid).

    I told her that I wanted to have my daughter's life be fairly neutral in terms of religion outside our places of worship, no church, no kingdom hall, except for in our home and in our places of worship. I did not want our daughter having too much influence beyond that though I can understand the hanging out with the groups and what not. She said I was being unfair singling her out for her religion and stated it in a way that got me thinking. She asked me why and I told her that our daughter is quick to talk about birthday parties and the like and I did not want anyone who was keeping her to start telling her why they don't celebrate and why she should not celebrate either.

    She made sense when my wife told me that she would at least say that they do not celebrate and why, similar to why Jews don't celebrate Christmas and all. I was beginning to see things her way until she started saying that she might be taught THE TRUTH about these things. When I asked, "Who's truth?" She responded saying, "Well, wouldn't you want her to know the truth about things?" "Yeah," I said, "I would teach her the facts but I would also tell her my take and I would expect you to tell her yours and let her decide when she is ready."

    She then insinuated that I was discriminating due to religion and performing an illegal act (I may have been discriminating but its my child and I do not consider it illegal). To be fair, I told her that I felt like not even the ladies at the church who have been offering to help with the kids should be considered either. Let's keep it secular and neutral.

    She offered to take me to meet the lady and see for myself how she is like. Then she said, "I'll even ask her if she would if she would try to 'indoctrinate' our child or not.' Trying to contain her laughter as she was saying this. (Yeah, I feel VERY respected now. NOT!) Her whole attitude towards my feelings have been very condescending and while I can understand why she might feel like I was being a little paranoid, her attitude in her response was not very reassuring.

    Frankly, my wife's attitude concerning religious tolerance in general made me less apt to consider this person. If I could be assured that this woman would not be slipping in JW-isms at every opportunity and would be respectful of my beliefs, etc, I would not be as concerned. I've never met the woman but the way my wife went about the whole thing makes me not even want to consider her now even if she turns out to be very nice and harmless.

    But I guess my question to the group would be as follows:

    For those who have kids, if you were a non believing JW would you consider allowing a witness to keep your kids in their home?

    Even if it is before and after care?

    If not, why not?

    If so, were you concerned on the effects that her religion might have on your child? Especially (assuming you are a non believing spouse) if the person attends the meetings at your spouse's cong?

    If you have done something like this in the past (even if you were a believing witness at the time) did you feel comfortable with this person with your children? If you were a believing witness at the time but now no longer, would you still feel comfortable with this person with your children? In other words, did your feelings about this arrangement change?

    What would you recommend that I do?

  • Scully

    If I were a JW, I would obviously prefer to have my child looked after by another JW.

    I'd be interested if this woman is also caregiver to non-JW children. If she looks after ONLY other JW kids, then I'd be more concerned about indoctrination/brainwashing than I would if she has Worldly™ customers too.

    Ask for references, like you would with any other potential caregiver. If she is reluctant to provide references, or seems offended because your wife already has a relationship with her via the KH, then I'd be wary.

    If your municipality has rules around home-based child-care centers, find out whether she is running a legal operation with appropriate licences, employees to match children per caregiver quotas, curriculum, etc. If she doesn't meet the basic LEGAL requirements (i.e., paying Caesar's things to Caesar) for running a child-care facility in her home, then it's a no-brainer.

  • garyneal

    Thanks Scully.

  • jamiebowers

    No, no, no. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if this jw babysitter doesn't count time by witnessing to the kids she watches. Any extra money you have to pay for a regular daycare center is worth your child's piece of mind.

  • Lady Lee
    Lady Lee

    Excellent advice Scully

    I would not want a JW caring for my grandchildren before and after. No way. It doesn't matter how nice they are. Remember their rules are higher than ay rules you might make. and spiritual warfare would permit them to teach their beliefs behind your back and try to get your child to keep it a secret.

    It might cost more but I would go the secular route

  • Scully

    The thing that concerns me more than the JW thing is your wife feeling "pressured" and "obligated" to avail herself of this woman's services. Something doesn't feel right about your wife wanting to give this lady a trial run based on feeling obligated because they have a mutual JW connection. That's usually a recipe for disaster - it's why a lot of people don't go into business with or lend money to friends or relatives - it usually doesn't work out and creates hard feelings.

    Your wife has a perfect "get out of it, guilt-free" card - she could simply say that she is deferring to your Headship™. You could also say that you are concerned that if things don't work out with this lady, that it will create an uncomfortable situation between her and your wife, and you want to keep business (let's face it, having someone care for your child is a "business" decision, based on what is in her best interests) and KH friendships separate.

    There is usually a reason why some people undercut their competition's prices. If you can claim child care expenses as a tax deduction, this lady will have to provide receipts, and if she isn't willing to issue receipts or take cheques as payment, then something doesn't smell right. I would insist with your wife that any caregiver your child goes to should be operating legally, which means issuing receipts for payment and abiding by whatever regulations are stipulated by the municipality.

  • truthsetsonefree

    I've been through this and am still experiencing it. While it's still too early to say what effects my daughter will have from JW babysitting I can say from my experience that what Scully and Lady Lee are saying is preferable. JWs do not know genuine respect for other belief systenms and are quick to work behind a person's back. As Lady Lee states "theocratic warfare" strategies dictate being deceitful and duplicitous.

    Isaac Carmignani

  • Vanderhoven7

    Since your wife belittles your concerns about religious influence, why not ask her what she feels about leaving your daughter with a good Baptist lady, before and after school.

  • Black Sheep
    Black Sheep
    "I'll even ask her if she would if she would try to 'indoctrinate' our child or not."

    JWs lie. My family members lie to me. Anything goes when they are protecting their cult and their cult members and 'saving' their siblings from their killer god.

    Theocratic Warfare might not be named as such any more, but it is still practiced.

    But which is the worst? Just being dead and knowing nothing, or burning in hell for eternity? On that score the WT wins hands down.

    Godrulz has put me right off Christianity. As far as I know, Christianity in general doesn't deny this doctrine. Some of them might try to minimise it, but JW's do the same with some of their loopy doctrines.

    You are both protecting your kids from each other.

    I'm glad I'm not in the middle. I got bent enough being brought up in a one cult household.

  • smiddy

    Make that a good catholic lady,and watch her face drop.


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