To ex-elders,that are df'ed, disassociated, fadeing and a wife thats still in please answer this.

by TheLoveDoctor 24 Replies latest jw experiences

  • TheLoveDoctor

    Me ex elder, pioneer was very active but am trying to fade. One elder knows how I feel and I would not talk to anyone but him. I miss most meetings now. One sis spoke to my wife and said she saw something I wrote on line. Told my wife I'm a nonbeliever. My wife is still very active and knows how I feel and is not happy but knows she still my wife. Anyhow my new problem is an Elder recently told my wife he needed to talk to her and will do so on sunday. what should I make of this and will the elders cause trouble between marraige mates. Do they have a scriptual right to speak to my wife about me?

  • godrulz

    I am an elder in a Christian church. Expressing concern is one thing, but getting dirt, etc. is another matter. No leader has a right to demand to meet with someone like an inquisition. Church is a volunteer organization. They should not meet privately (have someone else there like elder's wife) and it should be voluntary. Perhaps the wife should have a witness. Perhaps she should not meet without the spouse there. Your wife can do what she wants, but he has no right to demand this. I suspect in JW circles, WT elder slaves are not always biblical servants with right motives. The controlling and bullying of shunning/DF is odious. Since we know that WT/elders are not above breaking up marriages/families (directly or indirectly), I would guard and protect her as the head of the home. She should work things out with you or you should meet a leader as a couple. To do an end run with just her is questionable. Since you are in the group and voluntarily under their rules, you might have to play their game if she thinks it is the thing to do, but it still does not make it right/ethical.

    JWs/ex-JWs might have better insight into your world, but I am trying to look at it from what would be right even if WT does wrong things.

  • TheLoveDoctor

    thank u godrulz for your impute

  • dozy

    Depends on the elders - as we know , some are quite decent with what they perceive to be the best interests of the publisher at heart - others are jerks. Strictly speaking as the "head of the house" , you have the right to sit in on any meeting with your wife.

  • MrDarkKnight

    LoveDoctor - I agree with dozy. The elders are expected to respect your headship and meet with your wife in your presence. Additionally, if they have a concern about you they are supposed to "man up" and address it head on. This does not always happen. In my 15 years as an elders I served with many spineless men with no backbone and no ability or desire to act on their own. They did not like confrontation and cowered when meeting with "free thinkers."

    I always got the job of talking with the "free thinkers" over the years (probably because I knew in my heart I was one of them). As I think back each one of them had valid issues and concerns and we simply brushed them aside with our standard pat replies. Most them got frustrated and left WT. I completely understand why because I have done the same thing.

    I hope you can preserve your marriage. Mine fell apart. But honestly, it was a long time coming and I am truly happy.

  • irondork

    MrDarkKnight: In my 15 years as an elders I served with many spineless men with no backbone and no ability or desire to act on their own. They did not like confrontation and cowered when meeting with "free thinkers."

    No kidding!

    When I started fading out slowly (first, I stopped attending Thursday night meetings, then only stayed for public talk on Sundays, then every other Sunday talk, etc...), not one elder approached me to talk about it. This went on for almost a year and a half. I even sent a letter to the GB laying out my grievances. That letter never got a responce. I understand letters like that are passed on to the CO and then back to the originating congregation (information I made sure was on my letter).

    One time, an elder followed me out in the parking lot after the public talk and asked if my arm was still bothering me. (I had surgery to fix a ripped tendon three or four months earlier). That was it. Nothing else.


    Unless you count the messages that were sent home to me via my female housemate to ask how I was doing, would you like to talk, the elders are always here for you. Yet, for a year and a half of this process, I was sitting right next to my housemate in the back row, easy to spot and NOT ONE ELDER approached me. NOT ONE!

    No exageration.

  • cantleave

    Stand your ground as "head of the house" if they try to undermine you in anyway.

    As dozy said there are no hard and fast rules, it depends on each individual and whether or not they have an axe to grind.

  • TotallyADD

    I agree with all the comments. The elders have no right just to talk to your wife alone. I do not like the WT headship thinking but here you can use it to your advanage. As a ex-elder they are going to try to find out why you are not a elder anymore. I am sure they are already talking about you behind your back on reasons why. I understand how this is putting undue stress on you and your wife. This is just another reason why as each day goes by I see this is a cult of control. Good luck and take care. Totally ADD

  • OnTheWayOut

    Same thoughts as already expressed. You can exert your "head of household" claim. They will probably violate it and speak with your wife until you do that. If it ever happens to me, I plan to be a real pistol to them. "Beyond 'How are you?" I expect you guys not to ask questions of my wife unless you run them by me."

    The thing with a fade is that you don't want confrontations. So I reserve that showdown for a time when I see no alternatives. Otherwise, I suppose they might ask my wife a few questions behind my back. As long as I can reassure my wife of my love and faithfulness to her, all they can do is plant their stupid seeds of concern into her about me being "out there" and I can prevent those seeds from germination.

  • carla

    What Onthewayout said. I thought I remebered a few guys here using that one on the elders before they got a hold of the wife. Stand your ground with the elders. I'm sure your wife would appreciate not being put in the hot seat about you too!

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