Sex at 14?

by headisspinning 71 Replies latest jw friends

  • Fadeout

    There is definitely a link between teen sex and other detrimental behaviors...

    Of course even if there were no studies on the subject it's intuitive that a lack of self-control is not likely to exhibit itself in only one isolated type of behavior.

    Tec, thanks for sharing your experience. Everyone has a unique story and most of them don't fit the norm (whatever that is) perfectly.

    For all I know there are lots of 14-year-olds who have sex regularly and keep their grades up, never do drugs, and never experience any adverse complications from their (fully mature and informed ) choice.

    Oh, what would I do to stop my child? Sorry I can't tell you specifically, but that would wholly depend on the unique child and the specifics. I can't really postulate exactly how I would now handle a relationship with my hypothetical 14-year-old son, but I do know he'd have 14 years of dealing with me behind him.

  • tec
    For all I know there are lots of 14-year-olds who have sex regularly and keep their grades up, never do drugs, and never experience any adverse complications from their (fully mature and informed ) choice.

    LOL. I never made a mature and informed choice. I just did what I wanted, without thinking about anything else, and certainly not thinking about a few years down the road, or even a few months. I just knew enough to be safe - thanks mainly to school - ... and yet this experience didn't turn me into a criminal, drug addict, or drunk :)

    Perhaps in most cases where those things are linked together, there is some other common denominator?

    Open communication with our kids helps us know how and when to guide them, at least.


  • Fadeout

    I think showing them pictures of genital warts should cure them of the desire to have sex for a least a few months. Repeat as necessary.

  • streets76

    I think it is important to ask him why he choose to have sex .

    It's in his DNA. He is hardwired to propagate his genes. His sex organs have matured and nature wants to get on with it.

  • moshe

    Girls learn at a young age the power they wield over men. When my daughter was 16 she told me, "with my looks, I'll never have to work hard for a living".

  • Ding

    Not that many years ago, there was a societal expectation that parents would take responsibility for the children they created.

    I'm troubled by the number of young men who simply move on to other pastures as soon as the girl gets pregnant.

    Their attitude seems to be, "It's not my responsibility. SHE'S the one who got pregnant."

    One lesson we need to get across is, "If you choose to have sex, you are also choosing the moral responsibility that goes with it."

  • Mad Sweeney
    Mad Sweeney

    Wow. I just read this thread for the first time. I have several reactions.

    One thing that surprises me is that the JDub father was informed so quickly. That probably could have been thought through longer before jumping that gun. Sure he's cooperating FOR NOW, but it is his Borgish duty to inform the elders on his son, as well as to blame his DF'd mom for his son's spiritual deterioration. As a "spiritual danger" to your children, expect visitation to become much more difficult very soon. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but you just can't trust a JW to support ANY human being over Borg rules, not even (usually ESPECIALLY not even) his own family.

    As for the multitude of "too young" comments, teenagers as a group of unmarried idlers attending school are a VERY NEW phenomenon historically. The only reason 14 is considered "too young" is because of puritanical Victorian social mores that were imposed during the industrial revolution. Western culture has only had "teenagers" like we have now for around 150 years. Prior to that a 14 year old girl would be already married or at the very least engaged, and a 14 year old boy would be working at a job of some sort (farming if rural, a trade if urban) and sowing his oats at brothels on the weekends. By the time he was 18 or 20 he'd find a nice 12-14 year old girl to marry.

    Teenagers as we know them today are a modern invention and we are fighting millennia of evolution trying to get them to avoid sex.

    That said, there are numerous benefits to abstinence or at the very least exercising the maturity and self-control necessary to avoid pregnancy and disease. The benefits need to be explained in a way that the 14 year old can not just understand but also agree with and endorse as his own life philosophy regarding sexual activity. Sell him on the benefits of doing the right thing for both himself and the girl he "loves" at the moment, and you will probably find him capable of mature decisions beyond what you would have expected from someone his age.

    Good luck.

  • prophecor

    Liscence, registration and proof of insurance. Sex is to be handled the same way. Don't expose your naughty bits without it.

  • yknot

    A great chance to really help in his journey into manhood discussing self-discipline, balance, direction, responsibility and accountablility.... how his choices can add or detract from society.

    He can also equally discern honoring his parent's wishes while under their roof.

    Character building and challenging activities and maybe even a study course might be beneficial......

    Basically empower him to be responsible and accountable in his choices, he isn't a baby just some place between a boy and man......

    He is going to fail, fall and have to pull himself back up again and he will be victorious, glorious and learning to keep a level head.

    Increase his physical fitness activities because they are a great outlet for testosterone......

  • headisspinning

    Good morning all...

    After reading over all of your advice and suggestions and hashing the situation out with a close friend I decided the most important priority as a parent is to clearly communicate the risks and realities my son is now facing if he chooses to continue being sexually active.
    One of those very real possible outcomes is conceiving a child.

    I thing one of the best ways to learn a lesson is through hands-on, practical experience so on Saturday afternoon he is going to be spending 3 or 4 hours, on his own, with his 9 month old baby brother.
    If you knew my oldest son you would understand why this is so perfect for him - although he likes his brother he won't even pick him up - he's very squeamish about it and this is going to really take him outside his comfort zone.

    When I told him my plan, he had a good chuckle but was really a good sport about it. He understands why I'm making him do this.
    I think it's really true that kids feel loved when their parents 'discipline' them and honestly, despite what's going on, he is responding very well.

    His father - my ex - totally backed me up when he heard my plan. He is pretty much beside himself about the whole situation.
    The fact that my son doesn't want to be a JW takes away any Biblical advice my husband could use so he's a little lost.

    Plus, he went through a similar experience growing up. Right around the same age he was involved with a worldy girl at school and although he didn't have sex, he said it was only a matter of circumstances that he didn't.
    He clearly remembers what he was feeling and thinking and so he is very hesitant to alienate our son. I'm so thankful for that.

    Oh and the reason his father found out so soon is my son actually told him first. And yes, his dad did approach one elder, but thankfully that elder is going to give our son some room and not jump down his throat right away.
    Thankfully, our son is only an upbaptized publisher - thanks goodness!

    Also, I had to approach my son about some very troubling evidence that my ex found. I won't go into detail but it indicated that not only was this girl very likely not a virgin as she claimed... she is also pretty darn nasty.
    (Trust me - be happy that I'm sparing you the graphic details). I told my son that I felt like crying having to be so blunt but again, he was really good about it and wanted to hear what I had to say.
    He got on the phone immediately after and confronted his girlfriend. So, I feel a whole lot better about that too.

    Anyway, thanks to all of you for your amazing support and care. It's truly remarkable!

    I will update you as things progress.

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