Sex at 14?

by headisspinning 71 Replies latest jw friends

  • Retrovirus

    Hi headisspinning,

    Wow, such a lot is happening to you!

    To recap, it seems that in the space of about a month, you son became a publisher, then told you he didn't want to be a jw, then told you he is sexually active with his gf? Have I followed correectly?

    Teens are a volatile time, but I'd suggest the family problems may also be involved here. Certainly it's great and important that he can talk to you. Can I suggest that counselling might help him? (not elders, of course, but perhaps you could find someone appropriately qualified and experienced).

    Failing that, check the library and the net for helpful books and articles for both of you. Coping with change, growing up; other peoples' accounts of transitional experiences. He has had a lot to deal with.

    Also don't forget the sibling(sister?) - in my experience it's the quiet ones you need to watch!

    And. . . in your place, I might leave Ray Franz' book somewhere he could see it.

    Best of luck and hope you had a good Mothers Day, Retro

  • prophecor

    Teens are getting only an ounce of understanding of what it's like having adult feelings. They're only illusions. As far as our brainwaves recognise, chemically similar to eating chocolate.That which is to come is remarkably different when one truly crosses over into adulthood. It will happen at different times for every individual. There is no age factor to be placed on maturity. Just coming in to puberty, however is a most dangerous place to allow teens to experiment with something as sacred as the sexual union between a man and a woman. We are not here at the amusement of ourselves. Sex has its place in the marriage arrangement, only. To hand over anything less to a 14 year old is tantamount to leaving a loaded weapon, in full view of a toddler and walking away from it. Most of us want to get away from the hostile WBTS's law giving and rules and regulations, but as far as this is concerned, there is rarely anything of value to be gotten from this, long term.

  • mamalove

    Do you think he is running to you because he feels guilty from his JW upbringing? I am surprised he told you. What about the girl? Her parents?

    I would let him keep his dignity at all costs, but do your best to convince him it is not a wise thing to do since he cannot afford to pay for a baby right now.

  • Snoozy

    The child has too much time on his hands..he isn't being kept busy enough. I find that true in almost every case of a child having sex/using drugs or alcohol at such a young age. Too much freedom and the parents always working to provide the necessities that they just must have. The child is often left to fend on his own as he is considered old enough to take care of himself. Well this just proves they can't at that age..their brain is not finished growing..they are unable to see anything in the future. They want it now.They can't make important decisions as they aren't mature enough yet. They still need guidance..and supervision! They need to be active in caring for their home, volunteering, cutting grass, sports, anything to keep their minds and body occupied..and too tired to get into trouble! If a parent has to work they should make some kind of arangements for the child so he is not left alone on his own to be bored to the point they resort to having sex to amuse themselves..teach them to be productive in other ways... Encourage a child to have goals and to stick to them..and point out the consequences as realistically as possible..let them watch a neighbor/relative baby..overnight or longer (with a parents supervision)..sit down and go over expenses with them and show how important an education is and how he/she should set goals and what will happen if they fall away from these goals..the low income forever, the substandard living..the constant worry about finances..

    JMO Snoozy

  • tec

    I was fourteen. Way WAY too young, when I think of it now (and realize that my son is almost thirteen *shudders*). Both of us were.

    Others have given good advice. Tell him the risks (which he does probably already know from school, but tell him again anyway, so YOU know that he knows them). Tell him possible consequences - disease, pregnancy, condoms and precautions not always working. I would advise him also on the emotional impact and consequences (hurting others, or hurting himself because feelings change, etc.) of doing this so young. He probably won't want to hear anything about the last part, but tell him it anyway. He is also going to do what he thinks is right (because parents don't usually know anything, according to their teenage children), but at least your words might be there somewhere in his mind, and they might also make him hesitate to think before he acts with the next girl.

    My advice ... if you think he is too young, then tell him so, but at the same time, if he is going to go ahead with things... then make certain that he is being responsible with physical consequences, and another person's emotions. This might sound corny to a teenage boy, but if you don't tell him, then who will?

    Also, just because he told you and wants to live with you, does not mean that you have to sanction sex free for all at your house. Something roughly like this:

    "I think you're both too young, emotionally. I cannot sanction sex in this house... not only for your sake, but also for the sake of your girlfriend, and out of respect for her parents as well. I do love that you're talking to me, and I hope you feel like you can continue to talk to me about things that are important to you. I will always do my best to help you, as long as I know what's going on."


  • yknot

    Dayum....when it rains it pours!!!

    Okay, it is not really that shocking.

    I remember being 14 and I remember some 8th graders actually having had sex.

    However in reality just because he can physically doesn't mean he should nor is he emotionally/mentally ready for such actions.

    Since this comes as such a shock to yall and while in the throes of JW drama......please , please, please consider getting a family counselor involved. I know that sounds drastic but as CyberJesus was saying the reasons why should be explored and with all the hulabaloo going on an outside unbiased adult can be of considerable help making your lad discern that he needs to refrain until a more appropriate age.

    Sex is great, sex is fun but sex is also a privilege that comes with a lot of responsibility......of which no 14yr old in the Westernized civilization is prepared. So you got to say 'stop', no that isn't appropriate and you don't approve.

    You would be surprised at how many teens do listen to their parents advice and expectations when dealt with in a calm and informative manner. Further the pursuit of the opposite sex during this part of his life will only detract from him achieving whatever it is he wishes to pursue as an adult, his likes now will change by the time he finishes college and graduate school......

    I agree too that he has way too much time on his hands......seeing how he now has one conscious parent....put the boy in sports and other activities that challenge him physically and mentally......visit college campuses and talk about his future, get him more involved in chosing his career choice!

    Above all I am sure you boy is a good kid, love him, set limits, give him some distractions, praise him, and tell him he is just going to have to do it manually like all the boys before him until the roof he is under is paid for by him.......give a copy of victoria's secret, some lubrication and wetwipes ......time honored, time tested....

    (also invest in a good sex-ed program that reflects your values and expectations, talk to him about abstinence on a regular basis)


    a) call the girl's parents

    b) military school

  • TheClarinetist

    Speaking as someone who was all-too-recently 14 and has known his fair share of sexually active 14-year-olds (NOT like that), if you don't let him, he's going to do it anyway. He'll even do it in military school, church camp, etc... If you call the girls parents, he will just find another girl to "do it" with... Though it might slow him down a bit. If you try to teach him to fear sex as opposed to teaching him how to be responsible about it, you will just do more harm than good. ESPECIALLY because it says a LOT that he trusted you enough to tell you the truth.

    [My opinion: 14 is not too young, because he's doing it of his own accord... Though I would ask some general details to make sure he's not being pressured. People just make too big of a deal out of sex. It's a bodily function no different than peeing and pooping and fighting against it will result in nothing but pain and suffering. Fortunately, we live in a day and age where it can be done with little to no danger of STDs or pregnancy... THANK GOD FOR CONDOMS!]

    EDIT: By the way... Did you mean Publisher or Unbaptized Publisher? If it's the former then .

  • QuestioningEverything

    I must say that as a mother of 3 teenage sons, this is a difficult thing to deal with. My oldest son was sexually active at 14. Me and his dad spoke with him in depth about the 'big picture' of this decsion. We provided him with condoms, told him of the diseases, pregnancy and possible child support that could result in continuing.

    I always haved an open door with my sons to me to talk about anything they want . I may not always want to hear what they are saying but i feel it's important to have open, honest communication with them.

    As far as them being sexually active, I certainly didn't want to encourage it, but i could pretend it wasn't going to happen or ignore it OR I could be pro active and help them make responsible decisions.

    The whole JW attitude toward sex is repressive, unhealthy and abnormal. You can teach your son how to be responsible and make good choices if you continue to talk to him.

  • skeeter1

    Face the facts that kids are much more sexually active then we were. Girls at 13 know as much as women use to know at 23. The reason is the Internet, where there is alot of "information".

    That being said, think back as to how we got our information. My JW parents really didn't tell me alot - other then dating was bad, having children was bad because Armegheddon was about to happen, masturbation was bad, sex was bad, etc. There was school's "bleached" version of sex and reproduction. There was my friends and the opposite sex. All of these were very bad information providers.

    There are alot of books on the market about sex and handling the "birds and bees". These books go into the details of STDs, risks (even from oral sex), treatments (some of which are pretty darn scary), rise among adolescents in contracting STDs, ...... alot of really good details. You may find books that go into the consequences of boys being fathers - i.e. garnished wages for 18+ years, etc. Becoming a father at a young age is not good. Your son will not be able to be a true "single" adult becuase every decision he makes will have another person(s) affected.

    In short, you have to make sure he understands the risks of what he is getting into. And, there is alot of really good information. Start at Barnes & Noble. Be a parent in this area - and give him alot of information.

    But, remember, kids think about today and tomorrow. Most adolescents don't think about 5 or 10 years into the future.

    (He understands the pleasure, LOL!)


  • EntirelyPossible

    Sex at 14?

    Seriously, though, sex at 14 is pretty much all ANY boy is thinking about. Msot girls too. We are wired that way. He is almost certainly going to have his heart broken (or she will), but that's part of growing up. It happens. Think of it like driving a car. Yes, they are going to get speeding tickets. Yes, they will probably have a few wrecks. But, you can't become a good driver without that. Life takes practice and failure to learn how to become good at it.

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