Slandered At the Circuit Assembly & My Letter To My Mother

by headisspinning 49 Replies latest jw friends

  • headisspinning

    On Saturday, my ex husband went on the platform at the one day circuit assembly and slandered me in front of 800+ people.

    My JW family is even up in arms because he basically lied and ruined any last bits of my reputation that I had left, The worst part is this was elder sanctioned.

    I am really exhausted from all the upheaval so I will get right to the point. The following is what I sent to my mother:

    Hi Mom

    Thank you for being able to keep the issues straight here. That really means a lot to me.

    I am hurt, disgusted and mortified by what has happened.

    Honestly, nothing surprises me as far as D***** goes but for the elders to allow this to happen is devastating.

    You said this could be a catalyst for me... I don't know how to explain this.... it's more like the final straw.

    I didn't even tell you what happened at the Memorial but I have been just sick over it....

    S***** had to take J***** into the lobby because he was freaking out, crying and causing a commotion.

    There was another dad with a quiet baby who was standing just inside the doors.

    When the attendant came by our seats with the wine he paused for a moment at S*****'s seat realizing he had stepped out.

    Once everyone had passed the wine the elders also stopped to pass to the brother by the door.

    S***** was a few feet away - totally visible through the glass but was trying not to disturb the ceremony with J*****'s fussing.

    They saw him out there but just ignored him and walked away.

    There is no mistaking what happened. It was deliberate - very obviously deliberate.

    (My sister) saw the whole thing. She was so angry that she called me as soon as we got home.

    She said she had to hold herself back from yelling: "EXCUSE ME YOU MISSED SOMEONE!"

    Before any of this happened we were just about ready to give up, as it was. I have BEGGED the brothers for compassion and understanding in regard to our situation.

    You are more than welcome to read all three letters that I have written so you can judge for yourself whether ignoring our pleas was the loving thing to do.

    Out of desperation I finally went online and tried to see if I could find anyone else who has been in a similar situation who might be able to offer suggestions on how to get them to see what we were going through.

    All I found were heart breaking stories of people who have basically been sacrificed for the 'greater good'.

    I know this must be horrible to read. All I can say is until you have gone through what has happened to us you just can't understand.

    We have lost everyone and everything that ever mattered. Our lives and our children. Our families and our friends.

    I kept hearing about this book - Crisis of Conscience. At first, my 'apostate alarms' would go off and I kept ignoring the suggestions to read it.

    I was not looking for or interested in any bad mouthing. I just wanted help to deal with our situation.

    Finally, I read a few reviews and realized it wasn't anything to do with arguing doctrine.

    It was one man's sincere and honest story of his life.

    So, I read it. My 'apostate detector' was on the whole time and I was astounded by the facts and the honesty.

    There is nothing evil, wicked or dishonest in that book and I can honestly say it has changed my life.

    I have been warned repeatedly not to tell any of you any of this but I feel compelled because what has happened to our family - to me, to (my sister), to S***** - it's very wrong.

    I am in no way saying that adultery is okay or that hurting people is something to be overlooked.

    But if can take a step back - maybe a big step back - and just look at what has happened, you will know inside of yourself that this is not right.

    The key to everything is love. That's what Jesus said, right? We don't need all these rules and laws if we have love.

    That is very much lacking in the organization. We have personally experienced that as a family.

    Anyway, I am not trying to be a bad influence or even suggest that you read that book.

    But please respect that after a very hard, long road and a lot of soul searching and prayer, I am not going back.

    I fully believe in and love Jehovah and the Bible. I know he has forgiven us and I don't feel empty because I know we haven't lost him no matter what people might say.

    I love you very much, Mom and you too, Dad. All of you.

    I really hope that at the least you will weigh what I have said against what you know of me as a person.

    AND in light of what has happened.

    OH and one last thing - PLEASE know that we very much want you in the kids' lives and I pray that includes J*****.

    However it would be comfortable for you to make that happen is fine with us. I don't want to make things difficult for you at all.

    We also want you in our lives but we will respect the decision that you make in that regard.

    I do hope that in view of what has happened you might soften your view but I realize that is probably wishful thinking.

    Love Julia

    edited to anonymize the contents and protect others' privacy ~ Scully

  • nugget

    Julia, I am so sorry that you had to endure such biggotry. What you did originally may not have been commendable but you have tried hard to conform and yet there has been no compassion. They wanted you out and drove you out with hard heartedness and lying. Half of me thinks that you should sue for slander but the more rational part of me thinks that it js time to let it go and walk away.

    It is a painful process coming to terms with this religion and it is much like a bereavement especially in the early stages. It does get better and it is possible to be happy and fulfilled without an official Watchtower badge.

    The lying at the convention may give you some more leverage in court if you are still trying to resolve custody issues. It must have been very upsetting to your children to hear you being slandered in this way and could be extremely damaging, it looks like his need for revenge counts for more than the well being of his children, what was he thinking?

    Hopefully your parents will be relatively supportive I will be thinking of you.

  • lovelylil


    So sorry to hear you have been thru spiritual abuse, which is what the WT and its rules does to people. I don't understand the slander part about your husband at the assembly? But if you don't want to talk about it I understand.

    You will find many here who can sympathize with you. I read COC myself 7 years ago and have not looked back since. You will be in my thoughts and prayers and I hope everything works out for you. Peace, Lilly

  • headisspinning

    Thank you for your support.

    To keep this as short and sweet as possible, when I left my husband with the children it was because he threatened my life and repeated the threat to my sister.

    My parents forced me to call the police and a women's shelter. Once the police heard the story they were going to go and pick him up from work but I asked them to caution him only. I didn't want to make the situation worse.

    The women's shelter heard my story and prepared beds for me and the children. But in the end, my sister's inlaws (an elder and his wife) allowed me and the kids to stay with them for three months.

    Because the situation was unpredictable and volatile I didn't let my ex see the kids for 10 days until I had a chance to think. The people I was staying with were afraid he was going to show up at the door and be violent or aggressive. Nobody knew what to think or what to do.


    Because I'm disfellowshipped and my ex-husband have changed halls they don't know any of this. So he used that to his advantage.

    His opening words at the assembly were: "I got home from work one night to find that my wife had taken the kids and moved out. She kept them from me for 10 days."

    He then proceeded with his tale of woe and how he has struggled and what a terrible situation I left him in.

    What is the worst part? The elder who took us in was present during the rehearsal for my ex-husband's part and allowed him to get up on the platform, knowing full well the true story and circumstances of why I left.

    My parents, my sisters and others with some background information on the real story are furious and up in arms. But for me? It's too late.

  • nugget

    Julia, it sounds like your ex husband is very controlling and is milking the situation, the fact that the society would think this appropriate for an assembly presentation says much about their mentality. Terrible as your experience has been it may help other members of your family to be more questioning of the religion they are in. After all if this is Gods organisation how can these terrible things be allowed to happen.

  • moshe

    Throwing someone under the bus is allowed, if it is useful in keeping the rest of the JW audience enslaved to the WT org. Sorry for your problems, but a crisis like this is useful in that, now you have a clear path forward and away from the KH- good luck.

  • lovelylil

    So sorry to hear that. They allowed him to lie because that is what they do. They are always trying to portray they are something they are not. I think you are right to get out of that situation totally. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

  • cantleave

    It is a shock when see such blatant lies, condoned by others who know they are lies.

    It happened to me, I'm glad it did, it resulted in my waking up and getting out. The lies told against me were only said in an elders meeting, with 10 people present. To have lies told about you so publically, during an assembly, must be an emotional nightmare.

    Thank you for sharing, I hope you can put this crap behind you, and keep moving on with your life.

  • Alfred

    How incredibly repulsive of your ex-husband to use this in an assembly talk... even if it were true, personal family matters should not be aired in front of anyone, especially 800 people! At least you now know that the WT is definitely not directed by God...

    But please don't let this eat away at you... you'll be fine a lot sooner than you think... just hang in there.

  • The Oracle
    The Oracle

    If what you are saying is true, then your ex-husband is one of the biggest a-holes I have heard about in a long time.

    There is two sides to every story of course, but your account has the ring of truth - and his behaviour is unfortunately typical of many JW elders. Sickening!

    Good luck to you! And I must say, you have made a very wise decision to leave the cult and never return. Good for you!


    The Oracle

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