1. Separate the bank accounts and put aside your own savings where she doesn't know. Keep this paperwork at your office under lock at key, not at home.
2. See a lawyer to understand your rights. In most places there are lawyers who work pro bono or who do their initial consultation for free.
3. Don't have a child with this woman.
4. Plan your exit, and execute. Have a place to stay and a restraining order completed. Explain to your supervisor what you are doing in case she decides to show up at work for a shrieking match.
In the meantime, learn a little about setting boundaries, and practice setting them.
Do you have call display on your cell? Don't pick up her calls during the day. Delete her messages without listening to them. If your cell allows for it, set a special ringer for her calls (quiet and unobtrusive) so you aren't fooled in to picking them up. When you do all this, tell her that calling during the day is unacceptable and you will no longer be picking up her calls. You are setting a boundary, letting her know, and following through.
You will have to be a little more creative to avoid the verbal abuse at home, but come up with a few strategies for leaving the house when she starts getting wound up. Maybe throw in bunny rabbit through the front door before you walk in (just kidding). In one of her calm moments, explain that you will not tolerate the cycle of fighting any more and you will leave if she tries it. If she wants to talk through the issues, she has to do it with a counsellor present.
Anyways these are my best thoughts. She is an abuser and is aware of your weaknesses. She has convinced you that you are trapped and there is nothing you can do about it. As you straighten your shoulders and calmly stand up for yourself, she will realize that the old way of things are not going to work any more. She will either be further threatened by this or be surprised in to better behavior.
But in the end, I think you are right. Your way to peace is separation.
