Open relationships, polyamory and swinging

by techdotcom 104 Replies latest social relationships

  • techdotcom

    Just thought I'd check in since this thread ended on such a sour note previously. Things are still good with me and the wife, we are still open and "learning the ropes" so to speak. I will admit I was a bit defensive in my responses previously but after re-reading thru this some of the comments were a bit judgmental.

    After leaving a fundie religion we felt freed to re-examine ourselves and explore some things we were curious about, like swinging and polyamory. We have settled into a part of that spectrum toward the poly side of things (more long term friendship with benifits) than with the casual, recreational sex of pure swinging. It's provided insight, enjoyment, some stress, and most importantly a distraction from the pain of the growing process that is inevitable after growing up, then leaving, a cultish, high control religion.

    I'd still be interested in knowing who if anyone has direct experience with opening up their relationship and how it worked out for them. While we are starting the process of meeting people in "the lifestyle" (silly euphenism) we have only met a few that have any experience at all with it, and none so far that started with or have a stable relationship like we do.

    So far flirting/playing with close friends has been on the whole a good thing but it will be interesting to see how the dynamics are different with meeting and "dating" others in the same mindset. Singles and non-open couples are tough because it makes it tougher to communicate before hand as to what people are comfortable with, running the risk of alienating a good friend or couple. We have been lucky with that as our immediate group of friends are very easy going and fun. Not open or poly per say, but accepting and we have had some spontaneous fun with them and everyone is still okay. It helps when you know people well and have spent a lot of time with them, to build trust and intimacy before hand.

    All in all at almost a year in and it's been a very interesting experiment and adventure. Frustating at times, true, but we have always been good at talking and compromise, so issues don't really fester or go unresolved. That may be one key aspect to making this work so far.

    A little update on current status: Wife has a friend she see's regurlarly, sort of an uncommited friend with benifits thing, I did until recently but that couple is having and as we learned has had serious issues for a long time. We did have quite alot of fun at a recent party with our friends and wow, the hosts new gf is a sweetheart and gorgeous besides. The new girlfriend apparently had never been in that type of situation before, found it very intense. Apparently she'd never really had fun with a girl like that or been in mfm or fmf situation before.

    All in all, yes, doing this has introduced new and different stresses, but it's also been rewarding and theraputic as well. Not for everyone and the trust necessary to do it is unlikely to be found in a new relationship.

    So off to the "swingers" club this weekend for meet and greet. Not crazy about it and nervous. We aren't into casual sex with people we don't know but we feel like going to meet and setting up dates, and to make friends with a common outlook and get to know them first should work well for us.

    Have a great on peeps, and if you are offended or outraged...well, I guess that is your perogative, it won't change me a wit.

  • techdotcom

    Not a lot of interest from this forum about this but what the hell, its better than listening to crazy rants about the coming apocolypse or yet another inane mandate from the borg.

    Hmm...let's see, been a busy 9 months, had friends/lovers drift in and out of our lives had a lot more stay around and I'm almost starting to feel like I'm leaving the religion behind me somewhat. At least in the sense of not feeling so much like an "ex jw" as much as someone who was in it a long time ago. Only been 2 years though and I know we still have a long way's to go toward finding out who we are exactly.

    As for the open/poly thing, still there, still finding our way in that as well. Still together despite the ominous predictions of some when I started the thread. Not much has changed in the long term relationship area although we did make friends with a couple we are pretty close to and spend alot of time with. Most in the same way you would with any friends who are close like family and sometimes "play" friends. We are still friends with some of the people we met the first evening out at the swinger club and had a very eventful and memorable evening that night too....I really really really got to save up some money for a hot tub....

    Still waaaaay easier for a woman to meet men or women for that manner for fun or more serious friendship but apparently that is the harsh reality of life in this situation. Although, to be fair, a woman attract all sorts of wrong and unpleasant attention as much as the good kind. I still have made friends of the benifits varity myself and the wife and I do go on dates seperatly.

    Its been educational, and I will admit, what I would euphemistally call an "oportunity for character growth" lol. In fact in hindsight I would say living a sheltered and repressed JW existance doesn't prepare someone for the emotional and relationship gymnastics that poly life brings. Still, we muddle along as best we can and take the bad with the good and the good is very very good when it's there.

    Like I said just a brief check in and bit of self vindication that all was not lost and our marriage and sanity are still surviving not only our experimentation but with stepping out into the real world for the first time in our lives.

    Have a good one folks, time to snuggle a cutie and watch a movie before bed :)

  • usualusername

    Tech have read the posts. Whatever turns you on.

  • Twitch
    Not a lot of interest from this forum about this but what the hell, its better than listening to crazy rants about the coming apocolypse or yet another inane mandate from the borg.

    Well, perhaps discussing religious topics here is not for everyone but there ain't anything wrong with it in my book. Doesn't really interest me but if it is for someone else, I try not to judge.

    I doubt there's much discussion of religious topix on a swingers forum. But since I haven't spent time looking into it, I guess I'm probably making an unfair assumption due to my ignorance and

  • techdotcom

    Twitch, that part was just a bit of humor not a serious critisism of the main content of the forums. Also you might notice that the section of the forums this was posted to was an appropriate one "Dating and Relationships".

    Usualusername, um....yeah that's kind of the point. :P

    Listen, I get that this is not everyone's cup o tea. Point taken. However, this is not the JW's, we can disagree without it being an issue of our personal worth as induviduals. The topic is well...on topic for the area of the forum and honestly I don't see anything wrong about that. Why I keep posting on this thread probably has something to do with not really caring if you or anyone else approve or find it something they would ever think of doing. It's more of just a way to share my thoughts and maybe discuss the topic of polyamory/swinging/non-monogamy in an honest, respectful and "open" way, pun intended. ;)

  • Paralipomenon

    As someone mentioned it is a major trust issue. Also depends on how you view sex.

    Is sex an intimate bond to be shared exclusively, or a pleasure that you enjoy together?

    If it's a pleasure, than theoretically it can be a pleasure you enjoy elsewhere as well.

    For my wife and I, we have a great sex life but our marriage isn't built around sex. I wouldn't leave her due to a physical attraction to someone else and I seriously doubt I'd ever find someone that I enjoyed being around more than my wife.

    That said, we've talked about sex and neither would fault the other for jumping at an opportunity that presented itself. The main ground rules would be ask permission and don't bring anything home (diseases or drama)

    We are both confident people and not posessive. If you remove the religious reasons regarding affairs, what's left? If your partner approached you and said, "I love you, I want to grow old with you, but I'd like to have a fling with this person for fun". What would be the reasons behind saying no?

    Regardless, if my wife said no I'd respect it. But in our discussions we haven't identified a reason to say no.

  • wha happened?
    wha happened?

    Trust, understandment, and mutual agreement.

    Before I was a JW, I dated alot. Rarely had a person I considered to be in a relationship with. Although I did live with a few girlfriends. Everyone I was involved with knew exactly where we stood with each other. It was respectful, and yes, when it came to group activities, the women had the final word. Depending on the type of sex involved, safe words were a must.

    Ironically, This behavior came up again as a witness, and some swinging occured. Most JW's are so immature that it was a disaster at best, with Jealousy and other issues occuring.

  • techdotcom

    Oh man, yeah there's a topic, swinging among witnesses and the usual dramatic after effects. This area of the country, Oklahoma, it seems like alchohol fueled parties with 18-20's aged people was pretty common when we were that age. With the booze and sexual represion you get the inevitable sexual experimentation with a hormoned bunch of young people. A few parties we attended turned into a real grope fest, lol. Although I was never at one that turned into full out sex. One of the parties ended up with about half a dozen or so of us fully clothed, blitzed out of our minds, in a bed and a lot of "heavy petting" as the saying goes.

    That particular one, about 6 months or so later, got us into the back room and a private reproof. There was a marking talk I'm sure, but for some weird reason I didn't even know about those till the last couple of years when I got out completly. I just never noticed those special needs talks and the cooralation to people getting into trouble. Weird how a life long JW could have a blind spot like that lol.

    Anyway the wife and I were dating at the time, and didn't have a bit of issue between ourselves about the general openness of the situation, but we were, of course, VERY repentant with the brothers and got a slap on the wrist.

    Another weird thing about us was the rather long courtship, about a year and a half, before getting engaged. We messed around a little but guilt kept us from actually engaging in full out sex. But boy did she come alot at my "hands" during that time....sigh...very nice memories.... An unusual length of time for a JW courtship.

    We also learned of an incident with two couples who played together, the wife got attached to the other couple and there was a mutiple dfing and one couple divorced over the whole thing. It would seem from personal experience and from stories I've heard that witnesses are poorly prepared for acting like grownups about sex and it's caused us a few emotional bruises along the way to be sure.

  • NewChapter

    WTF????? SWINGING WITH WITNESSES???? Oh the horror----THE HORROR!

    Okay, I judge very few things and even fewer things shock me anymore----but SWINGING WITNESSES??? That is just tooooo much, tooooo freaking much. I can't get the pic out of my head! somebodyhelpme!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    That said, carry on. Whatever is right for your relationship. Just please, PLEASE, if it involves Witnesses spare my eyes. PLEASE!

  • wha happened?
    wha happened?

    saw it quite a bit. I've stated it before, despite their puritan exterior, 'dubs are some of the biggest repressed sexual freaks I've involved myself with.

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