Dating a JW for 3 yrs

by justbreathe825 92 Replies latest social relationships

• 

  Elder-Patrol

  JW life is challenging, so it may be hard for outsiders to understand why someone would inconvenience themselves so. Why do they?

  The fact is, you can't unring a bell. Once a person accepts that the Bible doesn't teach Trinitarianism (one of the easiest Bible truths to grasp), he may be convinced that 99% of Christians are brainwashed by that big lie. For many Witnesses, the hundreds of other doctrinal differences with Christendom just reinforce the conviction that tradition, convenience, and personal preference mustn't be allowed to outweigh Bible truth, at least for a principled person of faith. Anti-JWs tend to attack personalities and incidents, but anti-JW theological arguments just don't ring true to these folks.

  Just as a person may avoid good nutrition and exercise during periods of his life, a JW may have periods of relative inactivity in the faith and may even have unhealthy binges of what the faith (and he, perhaps not even fully acknowledging it yet) believe to be "sin".

  It sounds like the boyfriend/fiance is such a person, currently but temporarily inactive. It seems likely he will eventually become more active in the faith, and adhere more closely to its beliefs and practices. He will not celebrate holidays, and he will seek to teach his children his faith. He certainly will NOT force anyone to get baptized! He certainly WILL be under powerful obligation to be a respectful husband and conscientious father.

  My advice to you is to marry him, he's a catch. One caveat is the likelihood that in time you will realize it is the truth.

  • (1 Corinthians 7:10,14,16) [A] wife should not depart from her husband... and a husband should not leave his wife. ...For the unbelieving husband is sanctified in relation to his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified in relation to the brother... For, wife, how do you know but that you will save your husband? Or, husband, how do you know but that you will save your wife?

  My advice to him is to remain single until he can find a mate with whom he can be "evenly yoked".

  • (2 Corinthians 6:14) Do not become unevenly yoked with unbelievers.
  • (Deuteronomy 7:3,4) And you must form no marriage alliance with them. Your daughter you must not give to his son, and his daughter you must not take for your son. For he will turn your son from following me, and they will certainly serve other gods
• 

  Ding

  Justbreathe,

  I get the sense that despite all the red flags you're reading about here and seeing with your own eyes, you still plan to marry this guy because of your feelings for him.

  You're still trying to find a way to convince yourself that things aren't as bad as they really are.

  It's one thing to have someone else deceive you.

  It's worse to deceive yourself.

  How much more evidence do you need?
• 

  carla

  You have numerous red flags in front of you, heed them. I am a non jw married to a newer convert and I can tell you how difficult life is being married to a jw! Read the many threads concerning ubm's (unbelieving mates) and the hell that jw's put their immediate and extended families through.

  Elder patrol said, "he's a catch."- a dishonest coward is a catch? how so?

  I understand you may not be very social and feel this is your only chance but at 25 you are still young and very capable of finding someone who shares your values (such as not killing your loved ones for lack of blood due to unbiblical manmade doctrines, protecting pedophiles is a bad thing, allowing children to actually be children, finding joy in life, etc......).

  If you insist on throwing your life away on this man and having children PLEASE do all you can to protect your children from this emotionally, physically, spiritually, and at times sexually abusive cult. Get it in writing BEFORE you have children that they will not be brought up as jw's, never ever allow them anywhere near a kh. Just look through all the threads of ex jw's and the emotional and psychological damage they are trying to undo from being raised in the cult! Read about the suicides, suicide/murders due to the extreme shunning, etc..etc..etc... Google jw's and see how many sites there are devoted to telling people the truth about this dangerous and deadly cult.

  2 scenarios-

  1. -one you marry the cowardly jw- life is gloom and doom, the org controls what you watch, what you can read, what games you can play, obviously no holidays to look forward to, vacations may indeed involve field service rather than time spent together, meeting are first and foremost in your relationship, the org always comes first no matter what, you will have to choose death for you and your loved ones in an emergency, the org controls you sex life in many regards, children are not allowed a normal life, meetings, meetings and more meetings. That is your life.

  2. You find a kind man who shares your values in life, you marry and may have a few hard times but together you can get through anything! He loves you forever, eternally, he believes you are his soulmate (jw have no grasp of any of that). You have many shared interests and actually want to spend time together in those shared interests. You go on lovely get aways, just the two of you when you are able to and always feel reconnected after such holidays (a jw would feel guilt at missing a meeting or fs). You have many friends and family to celebrate holidays and create great memories for children (jw children remember what? conventions? hiding in basements on Halloween? sadness at Christmas?) you grow together and make each other better because you are together. Love is the binder in this scenario whereas in the jw life the binder is only the organization and what it allows.

  Which would you rather have?
• 

  letsslatejws

  You need to get things straight with your b/f.

  I would ask him point blank how he would feel, if you didnt get baptised and never went to another meeting again?

  Depending on his response then you know you have some big decisions to make. What is more, I would also like to see how he reacts if you told him that you wish to inform his parents of your choices too.

  You really need to put these questions to your future husband, otherwise whats a relationship if you simply cant be honest and straight. You need to be aware that he is happy with you what ever choices you make and he needs to be happy if his parents shun you. Not that, thats a great way to start a relationship but at least you will know where you stand.

  This is your life & you need to be in your own driving seat making your own decisions....

  If you husband wants to still attend the meetings then I would ditch right now. Its no relationship if you dont have a common ground. For one there are 4 / 5 meetings a week that he would be absent from home attending. Not to mention all the Hours he would be away on field ministry. You have to ask him what he forsees as the way of life for future children to...

  Just these questions alone should help you decide your future. Unless he emotionally ditches them too, then this is no life for you. Get out now. It would be emotionally crippling, but you will get over him. Your young still, so there plenty of other fish in the sea.... :)

  His love already seems conditional.... Not good....
• 

  justbreathe825

  my dearest fellow wordly friends i hear you all and im digesting all this information and trying to figure out what to do with my life.

  I have found so much support in this website is unbelievable. It's such a complicated situation and after reading all the posts I realize is not my fault! and there's no reason why I should feel bad because I didn't purposely put myself in this situation. I didn't think it was half this bad.

  My bf has tried to convinced me to attend the sunday meetings and has pretty much assured me our kids WILL do the same. But I don't care I can do whatever I want with my Sundays. Why should i compromise? I don't see how he's compromising with me or meeting me in the "middle" I don't see him putting his parents in the same situation that I am telling them how they need to meet ME in the middle. So in other words I have to do all the work and be a hypocrite and they get to still be on my case trying to convince me to convert....and what r they doing for me? what is he doing for me?

  Ayyyyyy what a dilemma...I wish I could just say heck with all this and find myself a new guy but ahhhh some of us are just too weak!

  Letslatejws (lol) I am def. asking those questions...and since we have now changed khs I am going to see how he puts into practice what he says he's going to do (only do to sunday mtgs) becasue whats the difference between now and then? diff kh, no parental CONTROL...why not? WE'LL SEE!

  You are all awesome...thanks for keeping up with my thread
• 

  Ding

  << Ayyyyyy what a dilemma...I wish I could just say heck with all this and find myself a new guy but ahhhh some of us are just too weak! >>

  Please allow me to give you some tough love and tell you that this is a cop-out.

  What are you going to say to your children: "Mommy was just too weak to protect you from the borg"?

  Take responsibility for your own decisions.
• 

  justbreathe825

  My bf came across this post and he realized it was me. I just want to apologize to him for writing about our relationship in public and saying all those horrible things about him/family/religion and for agreeing with the many comments that criticized him. I don't think there's anything wrong with you and I am sorry I did this and hurt your feelings and I hope you can forgive me. I feel very sad for the way this religion has affected peoples lives including yours and I hope you can all recover from such pain and can have a happy life and enjoy of freedom. For the ones that remain loyal I understand how much you care about your loved ones and you will do anything to make them happy, I really admire such effort and hope you can cope.

  My dearest love I know nothing will be the same between us but I just want you to know you will always stay in my heart and I only wish the best for you and I hope some day you will be happy and find someone that understands you more than I ever did and loves you the same way I do.
• 

  justbreathe825

  Also, if possible, I would like to delete this thread out of respect to him. So far I haven't find out a way to do it so if anybody knows how to please let me know.
• 

  Ding

  Wow...

  So sorry you have all had so much pain.

  If you want to continue to share on this forum, you're more than welcome to stay, and if your bf is willing to read posts here, he's welcome too!
• 

  Incognito

  justbreathe825 said:

  I just want to apologize to him for writing about our relationship in public and saying all those horrible things about him/family/religion and for agreeing with the many comments that criticized him. I don't think there's anything wrong with you and I am sorry I did this and hurt your feelings and I hope you can forgive me.

  Although what was said might be embarrassing to him, if what you said was truthful, there is nothing to apologize for.

  Although you probably normally wouldn't make your relationship so open on a public forum, you are a person that doesn't know much about this religion so you were questioning things that you observed within the relationship and were feeling pressure to conform to.

  Your BF is responsible for his actions and the way he treats you - good or horrible. If he is embarrassed by his behavior, then he'd better wise-up and start treating you (and himself) better.

  If his feelings are hurt, this is not your responsibility. His feelings are his alone and how he reacts to those feelings is his choice, not yours.

  My dearest love I know nothing will be the same between us but I just want you to know you will always stay in my heart and I only wish the best for you and I hope some day you will be happy and find someone that understands you more than I ever did and loves you the same way I do.

  I think breaking-up is best done in private, face to face and not on a public forum.