by justbreathe825 92 Replies latest social relationships
" I amazed at the number of people posting here lately who cannot seem to find anyone outside of the witness faith to consider marrying "
Hey garyneal,
don't be amazed in most cases it's lapsed JW's or JW's who are living a double life, that hook up with the worldlies
then when they find someone they try to bring them into the "TROOF"
I call that , false advertising, trickery at it best
The posters here have really said it all, they know because the vast majority of them have been JW's for varying lengths of time and know the reality of what you are considering.
I have been a JW all my life, well over 60 years, and my single bit of advice is get out of this relationship NOW. You will regret marrying this guy from Day 1 of your honeymoon and if you don'y know what I'm talking about find out!
All the best
George
I would be careful to get married with him. Please please first, research how they teach the "headship" doctrine. There is a serious headship doctrine in this religion and woman must be submitted to her husband. I just came out from this cult and I mean- I was a serious JW only 4 month ago. I dared to research deeply the subject of headship and elders gave me hard time about it. Then I wondered what else is wrong there and started doing a serious research on all the doctrines. I found out that they have a very bad bible- NWT . I was shocked at what their history is ! Please research this religion deeply. I can reccomend some books
First of all get the book" In Search of Christian Freedom" by Raymond Frantz. This book will open your eyes. Also if you love him- give him an ultimatum. He must look at factual history of wathctower organization and let him read the book I mentioned above. Tell him he must read it .
I would be very afraid to get married to JW. And first of all do NOT get baptized!
Welcome to our nightmare
I was like your BF, but I was unbaptised (thank God). I got out because I didn't like the control and did not agree with some of the rules, but I still wasn't free of the cult.
I married a nice Anglican girl. Now. She is the JW, our kids are JW, and I am the bad guy because I have now done what I was discouraged from doing from birth and put the religion under the microscope and discovered a whole range of nasties I either didn't know about, or had suppressed.
Until such time as child of any high control group fully understands that their leadership is not being directed by God/Christ/spacemen/whatever, they are damaged goods and are not marriageable material.
The Watchtower's primary doctrine is that Jesus selected the WT in 1919 to be God's sole channel of communication to mankind in our day. As long as he believes that, your BF is under full blown mind control, even if it doesn't show in his actions. JWs that look 'weak' or are drifting are often concealing deep seated guilt. This is how I was.
You are in a position to have your BF and his family and not join their church, and not have all of the mind control crap that goes with it, but it is not easy and if you put one foot wrong, you could waste your efforts.
You have to get them to realise that the above doctrine is BS with setting off their alarm bells.
You must not tell them it is BS.
You must not tell them why it is BS.
You must not tell them that you have been visiting apostate website, or reading apostate material because they might run away.
You have to do it solely by asking questions and not letting them change the subject, attack your character, talk volumes about closely related subjects without actually answering your question, a whole raft of cunning ways of getting around confronting issues they don't want to face head on.
They are not hard questions to remember, but you must get them right because they will squirm through the tiniest loophole and you need to start again.
If you are not able to take control of the conversation, or walk away from it when it is neccessary, you might not be able to do it.
Do you want to try??
Chris
No easy answer for this...but
If problems such as this are happening before you get married, on such a personal topic, like religion. In my belief, religion is such a personal, private thing..no one can force you into. Those are the signs to sit down with him and lay it all out or break up. If this guy really loves you he will accept your stand, tell his parents to back off and you will probably be very happy together. But unfortunately, it sounds like his parents are pressuring him or maybe his own conscience is. To me, it sounds like your boyfriend wants the best of both worlds by dating a non-believer (not baptized JW) and yet wants you to convert to JW thinking which ultimately turns into baptizm for you so that he can marry you. Humm...you've got a lot of thinking to do for yourself. I am happy to hear that your standing up for yourself and do not let him guilt you into anything.
I just do not understand why a member of the JW organization would date outside the organization and force/guilt them into this religion in order to get married. Infact, what you could tell your boyfriend "Why did you choose to date me knowing I was not part of your organization? Now three years later we are talking about marriage and your expecting me to get baptized you knew who I was before we were dating.." Something like that.
"...and they want you to be religious in order to be close to you.."
What the heck? Why can't people just be good to each other without such nonsense? So they can only be close to you IF you convert? Give me a break.
You are all so right....but yet when you love someone
we r supposed to have a talk tonight...I am ready to tell him that when we have a family i won't let my kids step in a kh. i don't want them exposed to all that brainwashing.
If he agrees...great althought there would be a chance that he's just lying to shut me up.
Because of your comments quoted above, I've hesitated to post on this thread for fear of wasting my time. But I'll lay it out for you. First, your love is not enough to cure the brainwashing from which your boyfriend suffers. He will lie to you to get you to do what he wants. Then you will marry under the pretext that you have become and will remain a baptized jw. Next you will have children who will be forced into Watchtower slavery only to grow up and have to choose between freedom of thought and family.
Second, being alone is better than being with someone who doesn't love you for who you are. Take it from someone who knows. I got baptized to marry a jw who I thought was the man of my dreams. Our marriage lasted seven years, most of which I endured psychological and physical torture known to very few people. Running for my life, I divorced and lost everything...my family, friends, home and most of my possessions.
The story is too long to give details, but suffice it to say that becoming a jw is the biggest mistake you will ever make in your life. Thankfully I never brought children into this misery, and no right thinking person would ever have children with a jw knowing that the Watchtower is a brainwashing cult.
Even as a baptized jw in good standing, which I was, (a full time pioneer), the only support I ever received from the organization as a battered wife was the fact that my jw husband was unable to hold any title or have any privileges throughout our marriage. And that just enraged him even further and carried the abuse to a whole new level.
What makes me think your boyfriend is a potential abuser? Because he's a coward. He cow tows to his family and the cult, all the while stringing you along waiting for you to change your whole life for his benefit. Not only is he a coward, he will be a coward with power over you once you're married into the cult, because he has headship over you and any future children you may have.
So, do yourself a favor and benefit from all of the beatings, kicks, and strangulations that I endured. Get out now, and for all that is holy, do not bring children into this mayhem.
1Robinella I felt particulary drawn by your post. You mentioned: "I am happy to hear that your standing up for yourself and do not let him guilt you into anything."
It makes me feel a lot better to know I am doing something good. And yes, you are absolutely right about the guilt. A couple of times when I asked him what he thought his parents would do if I decided not to get baptized he said: "well it all comes down to how much you care about the person, like how much are u willing to sacrifice, I think is worth it to do all this and remain close to them, but you might not think the same" . In other words he's telling me if I don't get baptized is becasue I don't think my relationship with his parents is important? I just don't know what to say to that.
I feel a big relieve every time I read one of your comments. It makes every tiny drop of guilt come out of my system. And it certainly I have stop believing I am "mean" and 'selfish".
I think the advice is pretty unanimous:
Do not get baptized as a JW.
Do not marry this guy if he is a JW.
In other words he's telling me if I don't get baptized is becasue I don't think my relationship with his parents is important? I just don't know what to say to that.
You can tell him comes down to honesty on both sides. If they don't like and love you for you who you NOW, they shouldn't pretend to on the idea you are going to get baptised. Conversely, you will not pretend to be believe something, lie, in effect, and do something you don't necessarily believe in that will have lifelong consequences, just to MAKE them happy
