by tryingtolove 39 Replies latest social relationships
I can read his mind from here.
Get out now.
Err. Wait. No I can't.
But I guess Moshe and others can.
ynot gave great advice, IMO.
"please introduce him to our little site, get him to join and actively start talking about the elephant known as the WTS."
om
I suppose every person (including witness) is different and it may or may not work out for the best in your situation.
Here are some questions you want to ask yourself and your boyfriend.
Do you like celebrating the Holidays? What about him? If you do and he does not wish to celebrate them (or worse wants to but feels they are wrong) how will you cope with that? What about any children you're planning to have with him? How will you work that out?
What are your beliefs? Does it matter that his beliefs teach that yours (assuming you have any) are wrong? What about their teachings that only Jehovah's Witnesses are good moral people worthy of God's grace?
What about the headship rule? His religion teaches that he's in charge and your opinions are trumped by his. How do you feel about that? Even if he seems reasonable now if he goes back in, he can change and become some overbearing tyrant. Do you want that for yourself? How about your kids?
If your child needed a blood transfusion, would you allow your husband to deny that transfusion even if it means the child's death? Remember that headship thing again. Your opinion won't count if he's a diehard dubby even if you are a witness and would count even less if you are not.
You boyfriend may seem nice and reasonable now but unless he's at the stage in his life where he believes this religion is a crock, he's damaged goods. At any moment, he could decide that he needs to get closer to God for whatever reason. Perhaps to set the example for his kids (and your kids). Perhaps because deep deep down he really wants a witness family and secretly hopes you will see how good being a witness is and want to become one.
Think deep and hard over this and envision what the reprecussions might be ten years down the road when you two are married with children and he decides to go back. If I were you, I'd find out whether or not he believes in this religion. Unless he answers a definitive and matter of factly NO, you'd be better off in the long run cutting him loose. Tell him that you would never be a witness and gauge how he responds. Say something critical about their teachings and gauge how he responds.
Some good advice so far. You haven't mentioned whether he is baptized or not. Sometimes parents can give their kids a hard time even if they're not, and they get in with an 'unbeliever'.
I still think you need to be very wary of him because as an example, my sisters were raised by my mum to be JWs till they were 15, with bible study and all that, but never got baptized. When they reached 30-ish, they decided they wanted to get baptized after 15 years of a normal 'worldly' life. As I've said before, the mindset is deep if he's grown up in that environment, with those beliefs pummeled into his brain as a child. The JW religion is not an ordinary religion, it is very peculiar and dangerous. I suggest you research it thoroughly. Great idea to bring him on here. I f you have any negative signs or doubts about his intentions, I would say run like hell.
(take notice that nobody's told you to just stay with him)
I was the JW boyfriend, my GF was an Anglican.
Now...
She is the JW...
My kids are JW...
She will not answer my questions about the religion with resorting to various forms of dishonesty.
My parents will not answer my questions about the religion with resorting to various forms of dishonesty.
My kids will not answer my questions about the religion with resorting to various forms of dishonesty.
The only thing I got right was never getting baptised. If I had been baptised, my parents and my kids and my grandchildren would be required to only contact me for 'essential family business'.
It might be possible to have almost no contact at all with the relative. Even if there were some family matters requiring contact, this certainly would be kept to a minimum, in line with the divine principle: "Quit mixing in company with anyone called a brother that is a fornicator or a greedy person [or guilty of another gross sin], . . . not even eating with such a man." http://www.watchtower.org/e/19880415/article_01.htm
Until your BF fully understands that he was brought up in a high control cult, he is not marriageable material.
I know.
I was that man
Welcome to the forum TryingtoLove.
I too was the JW boyfriend that became the husband of a girl raised as a Catholic. I'm glad she stuck with me. We had some rough patches mostly because of the mindf*cking that religion, their members, and my family continually tried to dish out to me. But finally I found this site and some of the others and read a few books like "Captives of a Concept" (my personal favorite), "Crisis of Conscience", and "Combatting Cult Mind Control". Together they freed me mentally. Before that though there were many days I felt like I was "broken". All the pieces of me were there but I couldn't get them to straighten up, act right and perform at 100% capacity as a normal person should. Fortunately my wife is a strong, independent woman -free of any baggage like I was carrying. She helped me through when I got low.
What you have to ask yourself is "How strong am I?". If his past and his family shunning him begins to weigh him down metally to the point that he gets depressed and can't/ doesn't perform, are you able to step up and tow the line for both of you? You may need to. It's entirely possible that he's an awesome individual that just happened to be born into the wrong family who was associated with a destructive cult. Short of that last detail he may make for a great partner. But it could be a long trip getting him there. You need to know this ahead of time.
I think those of us who leave are all a little bit "broken" at first in some way. I mean, you have to realize that the entire value system and belief system that we built our lives around is discovered to be a sham. It's puts you back to square one, and you find yourself needing to rebuild from there. As a person who has been on the roller coaster ride of emotions I can humbly tell you that it's not easy, but it can be done, and I've never been happier in my life. Start to finish though, from the time I first started seeing problems with the Witnesses organization it took me about 15 years to finally get to the point where this weekend I'm writing the letter to disassociate myself from them formally and overnighting it this next week. Are you up for a possibly rough 15 years? It could happen, and you need to be prepared for it and go into it eyes wide open.
I wish you the best in whatever you decide.
The_Present_Truth
Trying,
Welcome to the forum. I'm glad to see that you've recognized current problems and can foresee additional problems over the long term. Too bad you didn't ask these questions earlier, before investing 1.5 years in this relationship.
From your initial post, I determine that you don't really know much about JWs or the Watchtower organization. This group is not equivalent to any other religion but is highly controlled and very dictatorial, some say CULT. Ideas and beliefs presented, are not items that members may wish to adopt, but are required beliefs that must be adopted by all JWs, without question or consideration.
Member's minds are conditioned that the WT is God's true organization on earth and that JWs are God's special, chosen people, believing that they are the only group that will survive Armagedon, contrary to what they may tell a non-believer to their face.
You'll probably recognize that it's easiest to teach a person as a child and that what is taught to a child will remain with them and is the hardest to change. Since your BF was raised as a JW, what he was then taught will always be with him.
JW's SHUNNING family members because they no longer practice being a JW is a requirement dictated by the Watchtower for every JW. It is not an option and something only a few extreme JW's do on their own.
By 'pretending' that his son is not living unmarried, with a non believing woman, is a means of the Father not having to shun his son as he doesn't 'technically' have proof of his living arrangement. Once the living arrangement has been confirmed, he will then be required to shun his son and you.
Your boyfriend is fooling himself into thinking that he can live whatever way he wants and still maintain a healthy relationship with his Father. Acceptance by his Father is not your BF's decision otherwise, to be accepted, he must be a fully practicing JW, following every requirement as defined by the WT. Anything less will not be enough and will likely result in shunning by his Father if not his entire JW family.
For YOU to be accepted by his JW Family, you too must be a fully dedicated and practicing JW. Do you have any idea of what is involved? Do you know how many requirements are contradictory to the bible and how much unquestioning allegience must be shown to the Watchtower organization? If you didn't wish to become a JW, would your BF hold it against you for any breakdown in his relationship with his parents? Are you prepared for that?
Do you realize that if you and he had children, if your child was ever injured, as a JW, you would be required to fight against administering a blood transfusion even when the Doctor's determine that this treatment is required to save your child's life?
I have seen many occasions where people raised as JWs, even after not being active members for many years, hold onto the notion that JWs are the 'True' religion and will suddenly return to it. Often the catalyst will be a major event in their life such as birth of a child, loss of a loved one, illness or even marriage. Quite often, they will become extreme in their devotion and place many unreasonable conditions on the relationship with their partner.
For your BF to become a partner that you can rely upon over the long term, he must first come to terms with recognizing that the Watchtower and the JW religion is not the 'Truth' or God's chosen organization. Not practicing and promising he'll never return to being a JW is not enough. Until he is ready to look into this issue, he will likely defend the religion, organization and current teachings, even if he's not practicing. Unless he comes to terms with reality, this issue will always be in his background and mind and can surface at any time, current or future.
JWs are conditioned to believe that God comes first before their marriage partner. Since the WT holds itself as God's true and only organization, they place themselves as God's spokesman on earth. Whatever they say is coming from God will come first and your relationship with him will always be secondary. Since the WT promotes that men are the head of household and women are 'the weaker vessel', you will likely never be an equal partner.
Although no one can predict that your relationship will not work out, unless your BF is ready to deal with and acknowledge the 'falseness' of the organization and religion and knowingly put it behind him, any long term relationship with you will be made more difficult and trying for both of you and may be doomed from the start. Unfortunately, dealing with and accepting the falseness of the religion often has a high cost, usually a breakdown in the relationship with believing family members.
Bluntness of comments made on this forum, is an expression of concern for you as no one desires to see you hurt or involved with a relationship made difficult if not impossible due to religious programing.
I believe everyone here wishes you and your BF well and that you and he can work through this in an informed manner.
You may want to read through the 'Best Of Topics' section of this forum as situations similar to yours have been previously addressed. Ask any other questions you wish.
Your situation is not uncommon on this site.
A few weeks ago I posted a bit of advice to a young lady in your position and it raised a few hackles from some members but that was not my intention. Anyway I still going to repeat it for your benefit:
I was raised as a JW and I have been 'in' all my life; I am now mid 60's. Based on all this knowledge and experience I will distill it down to two pieces of advice:
1. Have absolutely NOTHING to do with the religion of JW's.
2. Have absolutely NOTHING to do with anyone who is, or has been, a JW.
Yours sincerely
George
To give life changing advice on the basis of your post would be problematic. What I would say is talk it out properly with your boyfriend to determine whether he is a JW who has lapsed or whether he is a person who happens to have JW parents.
If he has lapsed but still believes he will feel guilt over current relationship and is still controled by the ideas and beliefs of the cult. If forced to choose you would loose.
If he is out and never going back he still has to deal with the issues his relationship with you and the possible shunning by his father. Remember his father is an adult and is responsible for his own actions you should not feel guilt for what another person chooses to do.
Ex JWs can have happy fulfilled relationships but they are often damaged people in the early days.
Find out where you actually stand and if you decide to stick with it be prepared for a roller coaster.
Look up marriedtojw posts and see how his marraige of ten years to a JW is working out. Sadly, he is one of many examples of what happens when Jehovah's Witnesses mix with us 'worldlies.'
Wow, 19 hours and she hasn't replied to any of the responses. Hope she wasn't scared off.
