I've been in pain too long. I have this whole entry I want to post but I don't know if it is too long to read. I'll post it in parts. I've been writing and I didn't know how much I have had locked away and yet there is so much more I want and need to express.
if you only knew (1st Post here)
by lil.lady.03 45 Replies latest jw experiences
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lil.lady.03
I don't even know where to begin. Well first off, I'm brand spankin new to the site. I found it last week and felt like FINALLY, I feel ok to post something online (ON THE INTERNET) and maybe just maybe someone will understand. I really haven't had too many ppl to talk to about what I've been feeling, changing my mind about, and angry over.
I was raised as a JW. I'm at such a cross roads right now. I haven't gone to the meetings in awhile, but I really haven't felt in engaged at the meetings since the beginning of the year. The thing is I'm in a special language group anyway, so I really don't understand. LOL
I didn't have the typical cookie-cutter JW family. By the time I was born, my dad was df'd and my parents were divorced when i was 3. So I have had contact with a df'd person all my life. And really I have always had a soft spot for ppl who are df'd and completely shunned. My mom moved my older bro and I in my with grandparents and it was my grandmother was, and still is, a faithful and loyal servent. My early memories are field service, RVs, and lunch breaks at Wendy's.My g-pa was in the miltary but later became a JW. most of my family are not JW. Just a few aunts and uncles scattered over the country. Out of younger generation I am the only one that really stuck to the truth. -
lil.lady.03
But now, I have a boyfriend. He's not a JW. Typical story.
To myself on the surface it feels like such a cop out to give up everything I know for a guy. But this is the thing. I have been having questions and doubts for a long time. The non Jw bf was just the final straw that broke the camels back By the time I was 12, my older brother was already on his own discovery of Christianity. He basically got reproved and and has been inactive for years now.
The thing was, I was so angry at my brother for causing our already lil broken up family even more shame. He says he has discovered on his own that Jesus is a made up man, no such thing, and the Devil is not real. he been telling me for years that JWs are farce and only in BUSINESS for the money. He's into all types of mytholoical stuff and practices things that I don't even care to try to understand. Yet, I still love him and talk to him because he is my brother, ya know.
Anyone would say that being around him is not spiritually healthy. And yes i agree. My mom and I have gotten into blown out arguments with him and still after it all we still have love for one another despite our different beliefs.Now for my mom, she fragile. very withdrawn from the congregation socially, but very zealous. She was abused as a child. She married my dad to get out my grandfather's house cuz he was -and still is mentally- abusive; even once he became a JW. She barely came out the marriage sane and then got involved in misconduct looking for something from someONE and she herself was df'd as well, but came back really fast. (all this happened by the time I was 10)
So between her self-inflicted antics as remaining single and serving the lord and my brother's rants and rave, my head is on over load. I've been scared and scarred for years. I believe in Jehovah. but the stuff that has happened to my family because of remaining faithful, sticking to God's standards, applying the fruits of the spirit, suppressing emotions of depression and anger, it is painful and has been very painful to live.
I tried of being tried. I don't like trying to put a smile on my face at the hall to look ok, even though I am so mad. I don't like be afraid to express the real me. -
lil.lady.03
Now that's the thing. I never really trusted any brothers or elders. As far I know, they are men who put on fronts. I have trust issues and I know that is from things from my dad and my messed up relationship with him. Plus we were never really taken in under anyone’s wing as far as “orphaned children“. I never cared too much, because I don’t to feel like a charity case. Yet, I was mad when my brother was going the path he was and no one even bothered to step in and help. They would though always ask ME how he was doing, but never once called or did a shepherding call on him. I’d be at the meetings all the time, but I never really got taken in as well. I have always tried to be a good Shulammite and be good, turn the other cheek and forgive but I never have felt good enough.
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lil.lady.03
So here comes my bf. He is awesome! HE IS WORLDLY!!
I have never had a bf. All the JW guys I have liked were the types that are proved liars and manipulators. The guys have always made it seem like the girls aren’t good enough. Doesn’t matter if you are a pioneer or just a regular publisher. They play these mind games to make girls chase them and fight amongst the females for a little bit of the guy’s attention. I have never been able to go along with that. In fact I lost a very good friend. I liked a guy, told her, and she swooped in and got him.
I've known my bf for years, but I never knew he liked me. We went to school together. As he tells it, I was a withdrawn shy girl who always sat it the corner of class. (why he liked me, I don't know.) he said he always tried to talk to me but I would ignore him. We became reacquainted last year.
There is something about him is comforting and willing to listen to me and hear me and not judge or jump to conclusions and right off the bat tell me I'm going to be destroyed blah blah blah. I didn’t trust him at first. Honestly, he was everything I ever prayed for in a mate, but he is worldly. He has such a strong sense of family and cares for his parents and siblings. That’s what draws me the most to him. But again he is worldly. -
lil.lady.03
Well...somethings went to far a few months ago, but not as far as fornication. This happened before we were together and I told him I had to go to my elders. I had such a confused outlook. Here is a guy who is everything I want! I really shunned him and stopped talking to him. I basically told him, I can’t talk to him cuz he is not a wintess. I didn’t know at the time, but I really hurt him. He said he was even willing to start coming to the meeting just based off of previous conversations I had with him. But when I left him dry, he was crushed.
I went to the elders. Cause that is what you are supposed to do. There is this one brother who I kind of could talk to, so I went to him. He seemed to have a concern for me and said I could always talk to him. So I said I needed to speak with him. I told him about the guy and the few things that happened. I was ambused!! Basically they threatened me. They asked me all these questions about intimate details. Asked about stuff we did, had I climaxed? What did I do to him? I was hurt, because really, I coming asking for advise and some type of something! I felt so dirty after the whole thing. It was reallymy first encounter with a guy on a moreintimate level. I frecked out and fled, but they made it seem so yucky. Then when they got in touch with my mom, they nearly went off on her! I was shell socked. But needless to say I stopped all contact with him. Yet I just haven’t felt like it was something I wanted to do. I have always tried to look at ppl for who they are. That what we preach. We aren’t judges. Only god judges people. They made him out to be this diabolical person. And they never even met him.
That’s not the only thing that has been bothering me. A lot of org stuff too. For example, I don’t like the new DVD we got this year. Its creepy. This summer has been so stressful! I’m going to stop here. I need sleep.Honeslty, I just need someone to listen. There is still so much I haven’t even began to talk about. I’m with my bf now. I just could not distance myself. I’ve never felt loved like this is. Maybe I’m wrong. I don’t know. I’m just confused, but seeing lots of stuff for what it is. I don't want to live in fear anymore.
thank you, anyone, for reading.
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notverylikely
Hey, welcome to the site. I read your posts, I was a born in, just got myself out the hard way. You had it tough and like a lot of families growing up, it's clear the truth help break your family apart.
Something that's common, many here, myself included, have noticed, among those that want out but still "believe in Jehovah", is something I saw in your post.
There is a disconnect between this "He's into all types of mytholoical stuff and practices things that I don't even care to try to understand" about your brother and this "I believe in Jehovah. but the stuff that has happened to my family because of remaining faithful, sticking to God's standards, applying the fruits of the spirit, suppressing emotions of depression and anger, it is painful and has been very painful to live."
Imagine trying to explain Jehovah, Jesus, the GB, the Israelites....to someone that was raised to believe in unicorns, or, as this picture sums up, think about how ridiculous it sounds.
You're still partway in, but you have tasted the forbidden fruit and now know the difference and, like Eve in the story, find what you see with opened eyes to be appealing. You love your family and question the beliefs, but questioning is bad. You beleive in an invisible sky person, but think your brother is wacky for doing so.
As Oliver Wendell Holmes once said, " The mind, once expanded to the dimensions of larger ideas, never returns to its original size." Someone else, I have no idea who, also said "I would rather have questions I can't answer than answers I can't question."
You are struggling with an expanded mind.
You have to figure it out for yourself, what you want to do, but I can do two things. I can tell you that I was afraid more than anything of the DF ad being shunned and it has turned out to be the best thing that ever happened. I have never felt better. Two, I can offer you some advice. Up to you whether or not you take it.
Question EVERYTHING.
Don't let your family send you on a guilt trip for asking questions and questioning the answers when they don't make sense.
Understand you have a right to your own life.
Don't fall for the line "you are making us shun you." You are making them do nothing. You are just choosing a different life. They choose how to react.
Ask yourself....what does "worldy" mean? Bad? Or just "not JW"? What makes being a JW so great?
Research the history of the org. See if it makes sense. I'll get you started. Try to find out when Russell orginally thought Armageddon was going to come. Find out if 607 is really true.
Anyway, good luck.
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cognac
Wow, you poor thing. Yes, everything sounds so familiar. I grew up feeling the same mistrust in Elders. My father was the PO and was abusive to us kids. Totally got away with it no matter how many elders found out.
Anyways, I feel bad you felt the need to go to the elders a few months ago. What they did is dehumanizing, degrading, and just plain awful. It happens often when people go.
I'm glad to see that you are back with your bf! Just take a deep breath. You don't have to have everything figured out this minute. Just take your time, ask questions, research, and simply let your heart guide you. Jesus said, "My yoke is kindly and my load is light". Please, take that to heart cause he really meant it!
Hope to see you stick around to get to know you!
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Chalam
Welcomelil.lady.03!
Can I ask you to read Lilly's story if you haven't already? Marking 7 Years out of the Watchtower
Blessings,
Stephen
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cyberjesus
welcome
