Avoiding the Meeting

by brotherdan 70 Replies latest jw friends

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  brotherdan

  Thanks for the advice/ideas guys. I have said that I don't want to go. She doesn't like the meetings either. Isn't that crazy? But she says she feels better after she goes.

  To a point I can understand it. She spends her entire day with a 6 month old and a 5 year old. She is a VERY social person. So when she gets to the hall and is around a lot of people, it makes her feel good. She doesn't listen to a word they say at the meetings. But she feels comfort in the structure of it and the people that are there.

  But she has never had anything bad happen to her in the organization. While I don't wish anything bad on her, I almost wish she could see what CAN happen when people have the amount of control and power as they do in the organization. Maybe then she'd wake up? Short of something drastic happening, I can't see her changing. She's comfortable being a JW. She doesn't follow it to a "T". She watches R rated movies, will go to the strip club, drinks, and is pretty much up for anything. She is able to justify all her actions. But she WILL NOT stop being a JW.
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  serenitynow!

  Brotherdan can't you get her involved in some mommies groups or something? It seems that being a JW is pretty much all about the social scene for her. It's easy for stay at home mothers to find other moms to be friends with. Get her involved in other social circles. Then she won't feel the need to go to the kh for friends. Try looking for groups she might like at: www.meetup.com
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  brotherdan

  I've tried. But that is one of the things that she DOES believe. She's strange. She has "worldly" friends from high school that she will occasionally hang out with. But when I suggest making some new friends outside of the congo, she gets extremely defensive for me wanting worldly friends. It's so bizarre.

  Our son is getting ready for kindergarten, though. I might try to push that "mommy" kind of group thing. We want to get our son involved in some other activities too like hockey or some kind of active sport. Maybe that'll help too...

  I'm at a loss though. I really have a hard time reading her in this area. It's funny. I know her as good as you could possibily know someone in pretty much every area of her life. But her spirituality and how she views being a witness...it's strange. I've tried to come right out and ask her how she can allow some things and not others, but she just gets defensive and feels attacked.
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  serenitynow!

  What would happen if the BOE were to become aware of her nonJW activities and she got d/f'd?
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  brotherdan

  She would be really depressed...try to come back...I'm not sure. MAYBE that would be a chance for her to see the organization from the outside and how destructive it is. But I could never tell on her. That would be a pretty shitty thing to do.
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  nelly136

  maybe you need to do the unexpected and go extreme uber dub for a bit, as spiritual head it would be your duty to impose extra family study, leave early for those dreaded meetings, up the field service hours, no R rated movies and hanging with non dubs, your wife wants you to be a dub after all. just maybe you should give her what she wants and some.

  (would be hard but it definately wouldnt be predictable) and you might find if you make her follow the rules to the letter she'll be wishing you were the stay at home and miss the meetings kinda guy after all.
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  serenitynow!

  Have you read the Steve Hassan book about getting people out of cults? I've read part of his first one, but his second I've heard good things about in terms of getting others out of a cult.

  Have you 2 gone to marriage counseling? Is she in therapy, if not she should be. She needs to address the fact that she is living a double life, and why.
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  undercover

  I have said that I don't want to go. She doesn't like the meetings either. Isn't that crazy? But she says she feels better after she goes.

  Actually, she feels less guilty. By not going it kicks in the guilt reflex but by going even if you don't like it, it gives the sense of being loyal and obedient...at least until the next meeting night.

  Most dubs do everything related to the religion out of guilt. And fear.

  It's almost like a drug. The WTS is the pusher and they keep you coming back to get that next fix. Even if you know that you'd be better off without that drug in your system, you feel better when you get that hit.
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  mamalove

  Your wife sounds alot like me. I can/could relate to being around small kids and wanting to get out of the house, etc. If she is that liberal, and that fun of a gal, I truly think it is only a matter of time! Does she work outside the home? I realize you have a small baby, but what about a part time job? That was my saving grace. I am so glad I never did not work, for me personally it kept my brain from turning to mush. And now I work full time and like my job. But she might do well to have some more influence that way? I really do think it is a matter of time.
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  undercover

  I'm at a loss though. I really have a hard time reading her in this area. It's funny. I know her as good as you could possibily know someone in pretty much every area of her life. But her spirituality and how she views being a witness...it's strange. I've tried to come right out and ask her how she can allow some things and not others, but she just gets defensive and feels attacked.

  Cognitive dissonance...

  I can relate. My wife is very bright, smart and sharp. She's logical and analytical. She's successful in her career and is well liked by dubs and non-dubs alike pretty much everywhere she goes.

  Over time, I've managed to encourage her to pursue her career goals and to take up hobbies and outside interests. Over time she has become physically inactive as far as meetings/service. Mentally though, she defends the religion. I had hoped that as she was seperated from the daily JW grind, her brain would kick in and she'd see the issues that I've seen. That hasn't happened.

  And like you, I see these conficting personalities at times. She has lots of worldly friends. More than I do. She's very social and can make friends anywhere. She consistently and willingly breaks WT rules in multitudes of things. Movies, TV, music, clubs, bars, worldly friends, parties, holidays, YMCA, attending other churches, you name it, she's done it... all without blinking an eye. But then in another blink of the eye, she'll defend the WTS and denounce my criticism of them. I've plainly stated what I think and where I am...to never return and you would've thought that I had committed the unforgivable sin or something.

  Until they question or doubt on their own, it's a cross we have to bear, so to speak...