At a loss what to do RE: JW family and my kids

by 2pink 59 Replies latest jw friends

  • hopeful4eva

    I totally understand what you are going through 2Pink!! Although my daughter was not raised inside the world of JW's...she still sufferes the same.

    My parent's are both extreemly active, and shun me obviously, as I am Da'd. Having said that the few times they see my daughter who is almost 9 they do nothing but preach at her.

    They had her the other day, and she came home talking about the end of the world...when she first told me what has been discussed I freaked on her, (not her fault I know, but I was just ticked because they can't be asked seeing her any other time, and when they do they scare the crap out of her).

    When I calmed down I went to her, and told her why it is that we don't go over to her grandparents house, why they don't talk to me, and why the whole relationship is a mess!! At 8, she said to me, "Mom, thats blackmail!"

    I know your children are younger, but they can comprehend so much!! If you decide to let them visit their grandparents (unsupervised), all you can do is talk with them and find out what they are saying to them and work from there...if they are going to "run" you down to your children...well then there would be NO way I would allow the grandparents to continue contact with the children!

    Your children will see through their tactics as they grow up, and make their own decisions based on their grandaparents actions, as long as you are open and honest with them!!

    I truly hate all the "conditions"!


  • Think About It
    Think About It

    I'm with those who think you should make the offer to your parents that they can visit you all together as a family. That's what "normal" family members do. It's sad that people get caught up in letting a bat shit crazy past history, religious publishing cult run by old men with ever changing doctrine run there lives and destroy their family bonds.

    Think About It

  • Quandry

    I do not have your situation, but I can only imagine what it would look like:

    Grandparents come to the door to pick up very small children. They give a terse, short hello to you as their mother, asking if extra clothes are in the bag, etc. No kisses, smiles, or hugs.

    Children sense the tension. The next time, they see the same thing. If they do get close to the grandparents, they will want them to come in...see their a game. More tension when the grandparents say they must go quickly.

    Eventually, the children will really wonder what this is all about. They will ask questions such as, "Why don't you talk to Mommy?" or, "Don't you like Mommy?" They will have no choice but to tell them that you are in some measure "evil" or not approved by God.

    I am so sorry this situation has come about for you. Your parents have been given a gift-that of children and grandchildren, and could have wonderful family times. The downside for them, of course, will come later in life. They will have ahunned their child, and eventually maybe lost contact with their grandchildren.

    When they get older, when they can no longer care for themselves, the elders at the KHall will no doubt tell them that they have "family" who have the obligation to care for them, which of course means you.

  • Soldier77

    2pink, I wouldn't let those self-righteous people near your kids without your supervision. Or your husbands, either one of you or both be present. If they don't like it, tough for them, they're your kids afterall.

  • nancy drew
    nancy drew


    I think you should remember why they shun you, It's because they want you to feel alone & empty & return to jws so you need to play their game with them for the same reason that they feel empty & alone w/o their grandchildren & you and stop playing the wtbs game. I would not give into them they're making a choice let them live with it.

  • 2pink

    thanks so much for all the replies!

    i had to laugh at the comments about the grandparents coming to pick up the kids at our house....yeah right! apparently they are afraid our apostasy is contagious so i had to drop the kids off at their hotel. AND even then, they wouldn't tell me their room number so i could walk the kids up to it. my dad met me in the freeking parking lot! yep, all done in the name of brings such praise to his name to treat your offspring like shit!

    anyway....i think you guys are making perfect sense. i guess i just want to make the best choice for my kids...i don't want to come off as trying to "punish" the grandparents for shunning us by taking their grandkids away. that's not it at all. it will kill me if we do decide to sever those ties for the kids. this is all so unfair for them, just heartbreaking.

    thanks again for the advice and food for thought!

  • Leprechaun

    “So really my question is the much contact do we allow these grandparents?” Some states have visitation rules concerning grandparent’s rights, with that being said check that out first, second it is the obligation of any court in the US to protect the welfare of children. Now that you have made it known others and no longer attend continue to appear un-Witness like, I have a sugestion, take you and your family to a simple community church I mention this so that in the event you have to see an attorney you will have leverage, a judge loves to see stability a sense of normalcy in a family (house) where there is children; a community church onnce a week ( you don't have to become a formal member, I find them to be very low key and calm it would go a long way to maintain the emotional aspect of leaveing the Witnesses for your children. "Peace be to you"

  • nelly136

    i tried the continued contact with my oldest, it just caused problems and confusion rejection etc

    i didnt do it with the second, no hassle no confusion and it was like the explanation i got for christmas and birthdays....

    dont miss what you never had.


    My situation is a little different and more complicated but I understand the jest of your question. I am not a JW but my wife was baptized about 2 years ago after studying off and on with the JW's for 17 years!!! She hesistated that long because of the complications she knew it would bring in our marriage as we have never been spiritually united but she knew that this would cement that division. My wife's parents are both harcore JW's but that was not the case when my wife and I first got married. It took time but now both of my wifes parents, sister, 2 cousins are all hardcore JW's. We live in Ca. and my wife's family live in AZ, thank God, but even then we still have issues. My wife's mother is very very hardcore and manipulative in many ways. Once when we were visiting them about a year ago, we were at a "get together" at my wifes JW cousins house when my mother in law wanted to leave early because she was tired. My 9 year old son asked if he can go with her because he was bored and wanted to swin at my mother in laws house. I said ok. When we got back to their house a couple of hours later, my son came to me and repeated a scripture verse he memorized in the 2 hours he was alone with his grandmother, I think it was in Revelation chapter 20 about how Satan was cast down to earth. After he stated the scripture verse he said "see dad, that's why bad things have been happening ever since." There have been other examples here and there of my mother in law doing things like this over the years. They are not always "over the top" in the things that they say to my kids although there have been a few incidences, but rather they are very subtle or sneaky, depending on how you think of it. You as a JW should know that the spiritual divisions that they cause in families only validates their belief that they have they true faith because of Jesus's words in Luke 12:49-53

    “49 I came to start a fire on the earth, and what more is there for me to wish if it has already been lighted? 50 Indeed, I have a baptism with which to be baptized, and how I am being distressed until it is finished! 51 Do YOU imagine I came to give peace on the earth? No, indeed, I tell YOU , but rather division. 52 For from now on there will be five in one house divided, three against two and two against three. 53 They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against [her] mother, mother-in-law against [her] daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against [her] mother-in-law.”

    Here's the bottom line, I believe that what you seek, keeping peace while not having your kids sucked into this religion, is not really possible because if they really are hardcore JW's as you say,they most likely will not let it be possible. I don't know your family but I don't have to because if they are hardcore JW's, they will follow the teachings and you know what those teachings are. Don't be in denial about this because the consequences are so great. I was in denial about it for years and I have paid a huge price. I'm still trying to balance things as much as possible because of my mistake of trying to keep peace. Keeping peace means that you back down or submit to their subtle indoctrination of your kids because they sure wont submit to you, at least not if their going to follow what they are taught. If you try to keep peace in this way, it may take a toll on your mental health if you don't nip it in the bud right away because if you don't, you will be setting yourself up to walk on egg shells forever.

    You have a chance to nip it in the bud right now but only if you get over this denail of thinking you can keep peace while being firm to keep your family from influencing your kids with their religious beliefs because that's what their mission is... Do you get it??? You will have to be firm in leaving no doubt that you will not tolerate them teaching their beliefs to your kids in any way shape or form and as long as they are willing to agree to that, then you can be amicable with each other and still have a relationship. Put the ball in their court but they have to play by your rules. That's how firm you have to be so that you leave no doubt where you stand. If you give a hardcore JW any wiggle room, they will wiggle and play until you leave no doubt, then they have to decide what they want to do. Be prepared for what I believe is the inevitable of them either slowly losing contact with you or maybe they will leave no doubt with you as well where they stand, in which case the break up will be more harsh. I wish I could be more positive about this but I know many JW's and once you give them notice that you know their beliefs and don't believe in them and that you don't want them spreading their beliefs to your kids, things will change.

  • PSacramento

    My Mom, Dad and Older sister are JW's.

    My younger sister and myself are not, though she was contemplating even getting baptized at one point, she got a first hand experience at the "elders table" and that was the end of that.

    My parents, especially my mom, tried aggressively to get us to become JW's and for a while she was doing her best to influence my eldest daughter Sofia, I had a serious talk with her, over and over and over and finally I made her understand ALL the why's that I will never be a JW and all the reason why I will not allow my children to be and HOW I will explain to them why I believe they SHOULDN'T be when they get older.

    They NOW know their place and outside the occasional over stepping of boundries, they respect our wishs.

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