Newly Exiting JW's ( Last 5 years ) How are you Doing in Life? Let Us Know

by flipper 91 Replies latest jw friends

  • zoiks

    Baby steps... it has been up and down. Mentally it has been great for me! I had to get on antidepressants when I was "in" and giving it all of my effort and more. I was a wreck, but kept "doing more in Jah's service, reaching out" because if I was just a better JW, if I just had more faith, if I studied more and was a better spiritual head, if I was just a little closer to perfection, things would be better. I tried to get off the meds once, and failed miserably.

    So I was on the meds for years. Then, while on my way out, I went to therapy for a while, which helped. And then, more recently, after several months out, I got off the meds. It feels great!

    Our kids are doing well, but sometimes are confused by the behavior of my family, some of whom feel that it is ok to act like animals towards me in front of the children. I put a stop to that, but not before it broke my oldest daughter's heart to see her grandmother treating me so badly.

    My wife is still "undecided", or so she says, though she hasn't been to the KH in well over a year (I kept attending until September of last year). But the pressure is gone, we do more as a family together, and we are hanging in there. I know that things will continue to improve, but sometimes we take a few steps back before we can move forward again.

    We are optimistic about our future, and are enjoying life and especially each other.

  • flipper

    Figured I'd finish responding to pg. 1 then do a post for pg. 2

    PALMTREE- I am so happy for you that you are getting together with all 3 of your kids ! That is awesome ! Keep showing them that authentic real love , and the JW cult will become a distant memory of the past. I live for the day that my 25 yr.old son and I can hang out with his 2 sisters 23 and 21 again when they let US back into their lives . But your example is good, I need to hear that. It gives me hope ! I talked to an old buddy of mine yesterday on Father's day- a former JW friend who got out in 1990. BOTH of his 2 adult kids 25 and 20 are out of the JW cult and they have a very loving relationship. So definitely I have hope- not a question of if my daughters leave it, just a question of when.

    CHANGELING- So good to see you posting again ! How are you folks doing ? I'm glad you are more at peace with yourself and that homelife is good ! Right on. And you are going to college ? That is fantastic. Good for you. I have found also that I'm much more understanding of people than I was as a witness too. Say Hi to hubby for me

  • OnTheWayOut

    I faded out rather quickly over 3 years ago. As I look back, I wish I stopped going to the meetings even sooner. My fully-believing JW wife still loves and respects me. My JW mother still speaks to me. That's all I really care about. Even if I lost some of that, I have my self respect.
    I went through a bit of depression and still see a counselor, but it's better than stretching out "living the lie" for the sake of others. I have lost all of my friends except for one (and I really have lost him for the most part also) but that just means they were not my friends. I have made true friends of former JW's and gotten closer to non-JW family and co-workers. One true friend is better than a host of JW's that are conditional friends.

  • Marvin Shilmer
    Marvin Shilmer


    Look what healing you offer by inviting and listening.

    It is a loving thing you do.

    Marvin Shilmer

  • flipper

    SD-7- I know it must be a challenge for you being married to a JW. However if you get a chance take the time to read Steve hassan's books on Cult Mind Control. Especially the 2nd book " Releasing the Bonds- Empowering People to Think for Themselves ". It has great ideas of how to talk with JW or cult relatives without triggering a fight or hassle. I've used some of those tactics with my JW daughters and it has worked good at times. It is great to feel a load off of our shoulders for sure. I agree with you- Freedom is a GREAT ideal to replace JWism with. A free mind is a wonderful learning ground. Hang in there guy.

    DARINGHART 13 - I know how you feel. I've had some JW relatives cut ME off due to my stand. It is hard for many of us that weren't allowed to go to college so I hear you on that one too. You mentioned you gave up quite a few JW friends, have you tried getting to know some non-witness friends ? Either at work, or through non-witness relatives ? Volunteer work for charities is a great way to meet people as well. Try to get some hobbies going too that involve other people. Whether it's working out at a gym, a chess club, a walker's group or hiking. I've found that keeping myself busy- really helps. Hang in there, keep your chin up.

    LEIRBEN- That is great that you have a good , loving man. I'm happy for you. I'm sorry you have to deal with PTSD . I'm glad you're seeing a therapist to help you through though. It sounds like your parents were definitely affected by your brother's cancer and it has made them more accepting towards you and unconditional in their love for you even though being JW's. THat's a good thing. In regards to the former JW friend who screwed you over- it's a common thing that happens when we seek happiness. There is always someone who is envious of our happiness trying to drag us down- I've found that as well in former JW friends. My JW ex-wife has tried screwing me over in my adult daughter's life - although we've been divorced 12 years ! Don't let the bastards grind you down. Don't GIVE THEM your energy. Focus your energy towards the future and in being positive with what you DO have in a good way, not what you DON'T have in a negative way. Just my 2 cents. Stay strong.

    5th GENERATION- It is hard when you know the WT society is full of deceit, but still have to stay in for family. Hang in there. Do what you have to do to keep peace. Just don't lose your sanity while doing it. It's not worth the constant pain, and not healthy. Hang in.

    MENTALLY FREE 31- Thanks for the kind words. Hang in there guy. You'll do fine.

    NOMOREKOOLAID- That is excellent that your kids are integrating into the normal world outside JWville. I'm sure they are much happier and it sounds like you and hubby are as well with making new non-witness friends. Keep it up, it gets better with time. As regards your still in JW family, I have found in my own experience in my large JW family- I deal with the positive JW's who accept my stand that I have faded and am not going back and avoid family members who will not accept my stand . It makes it easier for me to focus and stay positive that way. Sounds like things are going well for the most part though . That's a good thing !

    FREEDOMISNTFREE- I found too like yourself, that moving to a new area can be of great assistance in fading and moving on from the witnesses . One thing is- the JW's here don't ever know I was a witness because I never attended here. I'm 80 miles from where I used to attend. So not running into JW's i knew really helps. I'm glad you are going to school and have great romances ! God for you! You only live once - make the best of it !

    TRUTHSEEKERIAM- I'm sorry about the relationship with your JW mother. Perhaps you can just try conversing about NON-JW topics with her. Like invite her clothes shopping, or buy her a nice lunch out sometime. I have found with my older JW mom and dad when I just ask them how they're doing with health problems or bring up non-JW memories we have shared as a family- it works wonders drawing out their authentic personality. Just an idea. Sounds like your kids are doing well and prospering good. It will get better for you the longer you are awayfrom the cult. It's normal to feel a sense of loss- part of the grieving process. But in time you will replace your former friends with REAL unconditional friends who aren't as picky as witnesses were. Hang in there.

    ZOIKS- I'm glad you have been helped through counseling my friend. I agree with you- we were always pressed to do more, more, more ! Nothing was EVER good enough. More field service time, more meetings, more studying- it never ended. We all get to our breaking point. Like yourself- I just got sick of all the demands on my time ! I'm glad your children are integrating well into the real world - sounds like your kids grandmother was a real JW tool. Don't let her affect you kids attitudes. Sounds like you got a handle on it. That's great you and your wife are hitting it off happly. If she's undecided- don't push her, let her see it on her own time and terms. My nephew has not attended for over a year now and I'm being VERY cautious to only talk about things if HE initiates the conversation about Witnesses. It takes time, everybody has their pace.

    OTWO- I'm kind of like you in that I just don't try to re-connect with former friends I had who are still JW's. The 2 times I tried I think I scared the Be-Jesus out of both of the guys I used to know and they were freaked out I didn't observe the slave as a good source of information anymore ! LOL ! But as you say- our fleshly relatives are the main thing to shoot for in keeping JW contacts. We'll always have THEM around so we all try to work on developing and saving those relationships. You are right, unconditional friends are much more gratifying than conditional ones for sure. Keep the good work up guy !

    MARVIN SHILMER- Hey, thanks for the kind words. I just care so godamned much about the hurt this evil JW cult has done . As long as there is breath in my body- I'll try to keep pointing people towards how to be free and think free. Thanks , take care, Peace out, Mr. Flipper

  • 5thGeneration

    Thanks for your support flipper!

  • zoiks

    I second the thanks, Mr. Flipper! Your caring attitude, encouraging others to express themselves, is appreciated.

  • flipper

    5th GENERATION - You are very welcome ! We all need support while moving on from the witnesses.

    ZOIKS- Thanks. I hope things go well for you and your family in life after the witnesses

  • TheListener

    I had a good JW life. Everything was just fine... then I realized it wasn't what I thought all along. I woke up rather quickly but faded for a very long time. I went to my last meeting and DC in 2005.

    I am very happy now. I enjoy reading and studying my Bible and spending time doing things that I enjoy. It's great to have hobbies and not feel guilty about them.

    However, my marriage has taken a direct hit. We seem to be more roommates than marriage mates. We discuss nothing spiritual (ok once in great while I use a biblical analogy or say something that I've learned).

    We seem to have come to an unspoken agreement on how to deal with my not being a witness and her remaining one. But, now the kids are getting older and they continue to muddle up the demilitarized zone that we've set up. So far the kids have been left to make their own choice about their witness-ness. They are supported by us regardless of their choices but it still puts quite a strain on the family.

    A point for others in a similar situation or someone who may be in this situation one day:

    A mate who is super zealous is easier to stand against than one who is luke warm to the truth but stubborn in their belief. The lukewarm spouse gives in just enough to make you excited and not want to push more so as not to rock the cart. However, they are stubborn and will only bend so far thus giving the unbelieving mate false hope again and again. Picture the monkey grabbing for the nut only to get shocked again and again - never learning his lesson. As the unbelieving mate you feel like if you push your unbelieving agenda with yourself and with the kids - the believing wife will suddenly move into action and belief war will have begun.

    hmmm.... just my thoughts.

  • flipper

    THE LISTENER- I admire you a lot for sticking to your guns and staying inactive and away from the witnesses. I'm sure it is a huge challenge being married to a JW wife. It sounds like you've come to an unspoken agreement however and it's good you are letting your kids decide which way they want to go. Interesting theory you have on the lukewarm spouse as opposed to a fanatic spouse. I had a fanatic JW wife for 19 yrs. and let me tell you- she was no slice of heaven - I guarantee it. I'm glad you've found some happiness in your life though. Keep it up ! Hang in there

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