I have learned in my life that I am the only one I can trust to stand up for myself .
Many times I wished others would have 'had my back', like when I was seven and my favorite Teacher committed wrongful contact with my class....we didn't know the term pedofile back then , and children were not taken serious when they made complaints about Teachers . I wished my Mom had been more protective and saved me from some ugly situations . I knew at 10 yrs of age that wasn't going to be the case . At fourteen I faced one of my abusers on my own , and sent our German shepard after him in attack command ........I got into trouble from my Dad for doing it because he was not aware his best friend had taken liberties with me four yrs prior .
As a teen sitting in front of a JC even though I was not baptised ,again why didn't my parent protect me from this violation ? I answered question with stone cold unemotion to the dismay of the Elders . They wanted me to blubber into submission ,but I stubbornly refused . I could have left the JWs at this time and never gone back .....a decision I would go on to regret . I suffered my first major depressive episode during this time . I consciously remember giving up my right to continue thinking independantly and making the decision to start doing whatever 'they' (my Mom and the Elders) wanted me to do .....be who they wanted me to be .....and disown myself .. It worked for quite a few years being this other person .
It is hell to wake up at forty some yrs old and not remember who you really are or if there even is an "authentic" version of your self inside some where . I knew the reason over the years why depression kept coming up it was because I was denying this inner voice . The voice grew stronger the longing to be free became overwhelming ....And now I am here and in the present .
Last night I realized I am still the only one I can depend on to stand up for myself . A conversation with my husband made me very sad last night . He was not happy because I had already sent the letter to the Elders telling them to stop harassing me . He felt that I was being to rash .......that I didn't give them the chance to be loving ??? It was a slap in the face to realize he has no idea how bad these people have made me feel . I wanted so much for him to stand up for ME ,be indignant with the way they have treated his wife . Really feel my pain and understand I want to feel protected ......
Instead I had to tell him the facts he does not want to face .....The fact that if Holy Spirit was really directing these men Then WHY did they not call HIM to shepard him back since he let them clearly know he was hurting ? Why had his own Elder step Brother not shown one ounce of attention to his non attentance at meetings ? BECAUSE they really do NOT have Christian love for you that's why ! If the brothers wanted to help me why didn't they bring back information explainning the blood fraction questions I had ? Why were their calls always ended with 'Do you want to be a JW ?' How many times do I have to say stop calling before my wishes are respected ?
I really needed to get some of this out ....I don't care if anyone comments I just needed someplace to talk ....I need therapy, I have put it off for way to long .
Thanks for being there .
I know many of you are suffering worse or more problems than mine . We share our pain to lessen it's sting .