Standing up for myself, a lonely stand

by troubled mind 28 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

  • troubled mind
    troubled mind

    I have learned in my life that I am the only one I can trust to stand up for myself .

    Many times I wished others would have 'had my back', like when I was seven and my favorite Teacher committed wrongful contact with my class....we didn't know the term pedofile back then , and children were not taken serious when they made complaints about Teachers . I wished my Mom had been more protective and saved me from some ugly situations . I knew at 10 yrs of age that wasn't going to be the case . At fourteen I faced one of my abusers on my own , and sent our German shepard after him in attack command ........I got into trouble from my Dad for doing it because he was not aware his best friend had taken liberties with me four yrs prior .

    As a teen sitting in front of a JC even though I was not baptised ,again why didn't my parent protect me from this violation ? I answered question with stone cold unemotion to the dismay of the Elders . They wanted me to blubber into submission ,but I stubbornly refused . I could have left the JWs at this time and never gone back .....a decision I would go on to regret . I suffered my first major depressive episode during this time . I consciously remember giving up my right to continue thinking independantly and making the decision to start doing whatever 'they' (my Mom and the Elders) wanted me to do who they wanted me to be .....and disown myself .. It worked for quite a few years being this other person .

    It is hell to wake up at forty some yrs old and not remember who you really are or if there even is an "authentic" version of your self inside some where . I knew the reason over the years why depression kept coming up it was because I was denying this inner voice . The voice grew stronger the longing to be free became overwhelming ....And now I am here and in the present .

    Last night I realized I am still the only one I can depend on to stand up for myself . A conversation with my husband made me very sad last night . He was not happy because I had already sent the letter to the Elders telling them to stop harassing me . He felt that I was being to rash .......that I didn't give them the chance to be loving ??? It was a slap in the face to realize he has no idea how bad these people have made me feel . I wanted so much for him to stand up for ME ,be indignant with the way they have treated his wife . Really feel my pain and understand I want to feel protected ......

    Instead I had to tell him the facts he does not want to face .....The fact that if Holy Spirit was really directing these men Then WHY did they not call HIM to shepard him back since he let them clearly know he was hurting ? Why had his own Elder step Brother not shown one ounce of attention to his non attentance at meetings ? BECAUSE they really do NOT have Christian love for you that's why ! If the brothers wanted to help me why didn't they bring back information explainning the blood fraction questions I had ? Why were their calls always ended with 'Do you want to be a JW ?' How many times do I have to say stop calling before my wishes are respected ?

    I really needed to get some of this out ....I don't care if anyone comments I just needed someplace to talk ....I need therapy, I have put it off for way to long .

    Thanks for being there .

    I know many of you are suffering worse or more problems than mine . We share our pain to lessen it's sting .

  • snowbird



  • OnTheWayOut

    TM, thanks for sharing. Just my opinion, please be patient with your husband as he is not an active JW but still has some history to overcome.

    Please try to not only search but try to enjoy searching out "who you really are" and who your "authentic version of your self inside some where" is. She's there. You can find her.

  • Lozhasleft

    I can identify with a lot of what you're saying... and was without any 'back up' for many many years, so to me loyalty is a major really hurts when people dont stand by you. I hope your husband starts to feel anger at these men who think they are free to humiliate us etc....sadly because of the mind control we've all experienced, often natural instinctive reactions dont come to the fore so easily...big hugs to you ...

    It is a fact that if you stop tolerating rubbish you will earn more respect from others so making your stand can only be a good thing ....

    Loz x

  • Heartbreaker

    I would be upset at that conversation as well TM, I completely see where you are coming from. I hope that with reflection, he's able to see that right now he's on the "hurting you" side of things, and not helping. Right or wrong, he shouldn't want to cause you distress.

  • Desilusionnee

    It's good to speak. Write my feelings down also helps me when I feel very depressed.


  • not a captive
    not a captive

    The elders still have the chance to be loving--now they just have an excuse to stop being "loving". As if they had ever started.

    Jesus went to those who were hurt. They didn't all just have to find him.

    You've got a lot of 'you' left in you, from what I'm hearing . You'll come back to you. It's been happening to me .

    But we were sick for a long time ,TM.

    Hang in there and oras you prefer. Maeve

  • mrsjones5

    I really needed to get some of this out ....I don't care if anyone comments I just needed someplace to talk ....

    That's what we're here for...vent as much as you want.

  • zoiks

    You're going through so much, TM. You've experienced more of this than any one person should have to. Get it out there, exhale, and continue to be strong. You're setting a fine example of how to stand up for oneself.

  • PSacramento

    You may not realize this, but you have so much strength, we all see it.

    You are never alone, our Lord is with us, ALWAYS, even if we seem to not feel Him, even when we feel at our most isolated, He is there because He is ALWAYS there.

    The breath he breathed into you filled you with his HS and it lives inside you, Go's strength is in you.

    It is when we need Jesus the most that we must draw on His strength and it will stengthen US, He will Carry Our Burdens.

    You are not alone, never will be alone, take comfort in that.

    Vent all you need to, we are here for you because Love has no conditions and knows no bounds.

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