Beggin for help

by DIAMOND 35 Replies latest jw experiences

  • jaysong


    When I walked away fifteen years ago, I did the "fade" thing expressly so I would not lose contact with my parents. I had been shunned by them previously when I was df'd, and it literally almost killed me.

    Later on, years later,I formally disassociated myself. But in the beginning, just fading was the way I chose.

    BTW, since then, my pioneer mom and elder dad have both left. They blame themselves for shunning me, but I don't blame them. They were just obeying the org. Now, my parents and I are closer than ever.


  • BobsGirl

    Diamond ... welcome. I personally like the kamakazi idea too. But the slow fade would be more practical. Maybe you could start by not being so reliable..... get to the meeting after they have started .... leave early. Force them to find someone else for mic's or read at the study. This might make a fade a little easier.

    Wishing you the best ....

    Edited because I am a bad spellur

    "May the work of your hands be a sign of gratitude and reverence to the human condition." - Mahatma Gandhi

  • JBean

    Oh my, Diamond! You have your path cut out for you alright! : ) But a huge welcome! I've been born and raised a witness...I'm still "in" along with my entire family (who all are REALLY still in)... I'm doing the quiet fade. It works best that way if you could put up with the constant questions... why don't you go out in service? why didn't you make Tuesday's meeting? etc., etc....blahhhhhhh.... But at least it's not giving them a heart attack. I don't have a husband (yet!) but when I do I will definitely make sure he's NOT in the truth. : ) Keep posting... these folks are a definite help and you'll find MANY with situations similar to yours...(I believe you already have, right?!) As for your wife, just go slow and ask her the tough questions when the time is right. (you know, UN, blood, etc.) Give it time to sink in ... she won't change overnight. Love & Peace to you... Jbean

  • AlanF

    You're in a bad situation, Diamond. I've been in a similar one, and I understand what you're going through.

    What you should do depends entirely on the personalities of your wife and mother. Only you know them well enough to decide. In a small number of cases, making a clean break by formal disassociation has made some people feel very good, and it has led to their family taking a hard second look at their religion. However, most of the time, formal disassociation simply alienates the JWs and cuts off any potential for helping them see the truth about "The Truth". That's the purpose of formal disassociation and it works quite well to isolate people.

    It sounds to me like you want to keep as much of your family relationship as intact as possible. To do that you have to tread very carefully. You can't beat them over the head with facts, because the JW religion is inherently antithetical to facts. You can only reach them with facts a little bit at a time, along with information that has a large emotional component. "Go slow" is the watchword.

    Gotta run; more later.



    Well in the words of that great man of men....GOMER PYLE.


    Thanks for all the replys, help and information. It all is a great help. Keep em coming.



  • Mister Biggs
    Mister Biggs

    Yo, Diamond!
    Are you a Homicide:Life On The Streets fan?
    I think you know why I'm asking you this.


    mister biggs,

    How did you figure that out. You are the only person in 5 years that has asked me that. Im impressed!!!!


  • Mister Biggs
    Mister Biggs

    Because that was my all-time favorite TV show. Great acting, camera angles, story lines, etc.
    We are too much alike. It's like being in the Twilight Zone!

  • LB

    Fading works great. So far I've faded, but at my stage I actually don't care if I were DFed or not. Only one in my family left as a JW is my son, and he tells me now that it wouldn't matter if we got DFed or not. But you have a family to consider.

    Slow way down, cut out a meeting a week, cut back on going out in service. Make it appear it's a natural thing. Maybe by next year you'll only attend the memorial. After than, maybe nothing.

    Regardless of how you do it, no matter how slowly, your friends will begin to shun you. But at least they won't be required to shun you.

    Best of luck to you.

    Never Squat With Yer Spurs On

  • Scully

    Dear DIAMOND:

    I truly feel for you in your situation. No matter what you decide as to how to get out of the organization, please know that we're here for you for whatever support and assistance we might be able to offer.

    In my family's case, I was the one who first decided that I no longer wanted to be a JW, thanks to the way "the friends" (so-called friends, that is) treated me during my third pregnancy and the post-natal depression that followed. I've posted my story in the "Personal Experiences" area of this board, if you're so inclined to read it. My husband, who had been "reaching out" for privileges for such a long time, eventually clued in that the only "love" that was ever manifested in our congregation was toward newcomers and interested persons, in order to "love-bomb" them. After that, it all depended on your field service report and meeting attendance.

    Long story short, we found it easiest to "drift away". We set a date as to when we would stop attending meetings: January 1, 1995. There's been no looking back since then. We moved out of the congregation's territory a few months later, as I was going to be starting courses at Nursing School. Our children were in a new school where nobody knew them as JWs. We were also out of the circuit's territory too, so when JWs called at our door in service, they had no idea of who we were. They stopped calling when they figured out that we'd ask them questions that they couldn't answer. heh heh heh

    If it's possible for you to do that, then by all means, do so. The only minor inconvenience we experienced was when my JW parents would pay an impromptu visit for our wedding anniversary (Dec 22); but we learned that setting up a Christmas tree on Dec 23 is fun too.

    Moving away also gives you an "out" as far as taking your mom to the meetings goes. If she wants to continue attending, she will find someone else to travel with. It's also kind of a sneaky way of giving your wife an excuse not to attend the meetings. Simply offer to take her shopping on meeting nights (but don't say it that way!) so that she can decorate your new place! You can look at flyers as they usually arrive on a Wednesday or Thursday for the weekend, and off-handedly say "Honey, this place needs a new lamp (or whatever), let's go out and grab a bite to eat and see if we can find one you like." (No woman in her right mind will refuse!) Lavish attention on her and praise her creativity. After a few shopping trips, suggest that she's so good at it that she could take a few courses (on meeting nights, of course) and then start her own home decor consultant business. (I kind of did the same thing with hubby, and now he's fully self-employed with a thriving business and earns 3 times what he earned with his former employer, and initially was far too busy working on building up his client base to attend meetings.)

    The point is, it's important to fill the time-void that not attending the meetings is going to create. Your wife will appreciate having extra attention paid to her, and if you do something together that you enjoy, your relationship will improve and she'll not miss attending meetings so much. We have a lot of touristy kinds of things to do in our area, and we took the children to parks and events that we'd normally have to miss if we were attending meetings. But if you just sit at home and watch TV while she goes to the meetings, you're going to both start resenting each other's activity.

    All the best, and please keep posting. Welcome to the "family".

    Love, Scully

    It is not persecution for an informed person to expose a certain religion as being false. - WT 11/15/63

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