Beggin for help

by DIAMOND 35 Replies latest jw experiences

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  stephenw20

  Diamond & MR BIggs

  I find both of your stories both familiar , painful and challenging. I do wonder though if you have thought this all the way through. Its a wonderful moment to come to , knowing you dont wish to belong there, and of course wondering if you have the stones to be a man and not sell part of yourself for any length of time to just evaporateor fade away

  I realize in the midst of all this... the~one~ you were going for all these years to the KH to worship somehow gets overlQQKed and barely consulted because the other thing that happens to many(not necessarily you 2) is that you somehow identify GOD with the ORG. So when you leave the org you think you leave gos...
  May I recommend a bit of spiritual journey of YOUR own.... ask for the assistance and be ready for the help and or answer.

  I do have one other question .. and you can throw tomatoes if you like but it is about decsion and the clear cut nature of it. IF your spouse or parents said to you if you leave I am divorcing you....or disowning you..what would you do. WHO do you love more......yourself or them. Keep in mind, its hard to get out unscaved it may take a year or so. Also keep in mind all during this time you will have doubt about what its doing to your family. FOr all the truth the JWS are suppose to embody , its funny how telling the real truth alienates you from them.

  I would say your best bet would be to find ~yourself~, gather some internal strength and CLARITY and then proceed.........a set of balls is not such a bad thing.. Especially when you are saving your own life in the process. Be ready to stand out in the cold......

  I do speak from expereince here a year removed from it. I have nver been happier......I wish I could tell you that my marriage is wonderful but its not..but honestly, I do my best and respect anothers decision to do as they wish. I also require the same respect. EVERYONE should ..over some time this will not seem so foreign to you.

  but what ever happens.............dont sell out!
  s
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  JerryTX

  Hello Diamond.

  I was a happy JW, married to a great gal, pioneer, and loved my inlaws and my friends in the Org. My zeal to bring into the "truth" a workmate was the beginning of the end of my marriage. He shared with me the info you see on the internet today.

  I began asking lots of tough questions. My wife watched the videos, read Crisis of Conscience, saw the false dates, saw the wrongness of the blood issue, but in the end she did not *want* to leave, lose her family, and the only thing she'd ever known. I made up my mind I was out for good, and began attending other churches to see what they were all about. (I was raised in the JWs)

  We moved away from town to get away from the pressure and start over somewhere new. I thought it was worth it to try and save the marriage. Our relationship began to deteriorate because my wife was very lonely going to the meetings alone. She took my rejection of the JWs as a rejection of her and her family. She was terribly upset and hurt and *embarassed* for herself and her family. She was very well known in the JW community, and now she found herself married to "an apostate."

  I began a habit I recommend you NOT do. Every day I came home from work, I would bring up the Watchtower and its deceptions, and like a lawyer (I work with lawyers) I would begin dissecting their doctrine like a lab frog. Basically I began browbeating the hell out of my wife much like a lawyer will browbeat a shaky witness on the stand in court. I did this for two reasons. I was pissed off in the extreme that I had been lied to by the Governing Body, and I took her refusal to leave as a rejection of me. I felt if I pushed her, and shared the information with her, she would leave, and our marriage would be saved and we could be together.

  She told me her conscience was bothering her, and she reported me to the elders a second time. Since I knew it was a matter of time before I got DF'd, I went to the hall, gave them my DA letter and left. I felt so betrayed I told my wife I didn't want her in the house anymore. She left. We talked many times about reconciling, but in the end we divorced. Too hard to make it work, a JW and a non-JW. We were living separate lives. The above took place over several years.

  If I had it to do all over again, I would have done it different.
  I never would have disassociated for one. Secondly, instead of browbeating my wife on the issues, I would have made sure she was emotionally secure in our relationship. I would have told her every day that I was upset because I loved her, I cared about her, and I never wanted us to break apart. In other words, I would have shared the information that exposed the Society, but I would not have let my anger and disapointment at her not leaving with me stop me from letting her know I was there for her. I became very cold and distant from her. I could see I was going to lose the beautiful life I had constructed for myself and was depressed and in shock for a long time.

  In retrospect, no matter what I did, it may have turned out like it has. I don't hold out much hope for your marriage unless you think your spouse will eventually share your views. Why? Because your spouse will be at a church four days a week (I'm including a service day) hanging out with people who will view you as worse than vile and do not consider you worthy of even being spoken to. If these are your wife's closest friends, how will she feel toward you?

  Whatever you decide to do, best of luck to you. I don't regret my decision despite the consequences. I just wished I had handled it different.

  --------------------------------------

  "The truth will set you free--but first it will make you damn mad."

  M. Scott Peck - "The Different Drum"
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  BERNARD

  hi diamond:

  I hope your doing fine and well. I da'd myself only because my mother in law was a pain in the rear in, now she can't speak to me thank jehovah and his earthly organization for there stupid rules. my wife still go with the kids when its time to put on a show for her moms. I feel great I had many friends but choose to leave. In your case along with other people on this board suggested is to fade away if you can stomach that route. anyway my family is going to the circuit assembly this sat and sun. where will i be ? smiling enjoying my freedom of not feeling guilty sitting with them but home watching the football playoffs.
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  Prisca

  Everyone has given you great advice but I'll throw in my 2 cents anyway

  Fading is the best option if you have family and close friends still in. At least if you fade away, you are still able to speak to them, that is if they don't shun you anyway. You will lose contact with most of your friends anyway, because you will be seen as "spiritually sick" so they will avoid you so they won't get contaminated.

  As JerryTX said, don't bombard your wife with information, nor insist she make instant decisions. How long has it taken you to learn all this info about the Borg? Try to empathise with her. How would you feel if she was the one going "apostate", and you thought it was still the "truth". You'd be upset, right? Then take your time in explaining things to her. Let her know you still love her.

  It will be a roller-coaster ride, but I know you will get lots of great advice and support on this board.

  Welcome!
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  Mum

  I think you can still be there emotionally and otherwise for your family. You can still be your mom's ride to the assemblies, etc., but at the same time you can be slowly fading away. I wouldn't hesitate to make excuses such as headaches (this might be literally true anyway), being tired, having chronic fatigue syndrome. I know it sounds sissy, but it does serve the purpose of not hurting others.

  Maybe your talks and conversations can contain tiny tidbits of information that might start them to thinking.

  The others here have given you some great perspective, and others have been in your situation, so are better able to speak to your situation. Best wishes, whatever path you choose. Keep coming back here for support.

  Seize the day, and put the least possible trust in tomorrow. - Horace

  I have learned to live each day as it comes and not to borrow trouble by dreading tomorrow. - Dorothy Dix
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  Billygoat

  ((((Jerry))))

  I know I've known all this via our personal talks and correspondence, but for some reason it really hit home to me how much you've lost. I'm so incredibly incredibly sorry! I'm here.

  Andi
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  Carmel

  Diamond (in the rough?)

  I think you are wise in fading away, just don't fade away from here!!!
  I wish you all the strength, patience and perserverance you can muster. Remember, life will go on, with or without the approval of the women in your life..

  Whoops, my 38 years of marriage is showing............

  carmel
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  JerryTX

  Andi,

  You're such a sweetheart, even though you've lost as much or more than me. Thanks. You've softened my anger, and your friendship and kindness has made me see a better way to live and be.
  I'm a less judgmental SOB for sure.

  (((Andi))))
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  Gwendolyn

  You are in a tough place! I understand your situation from personal experience, and from seeing others go through it.

  I must say I don't agree with some of the advice on here...about the importance of convincing your wife and family that the JWs are wrong. I am a firm believer in individual choice. I think the best would be to sit down and discuss your feelings with your wife without ATTACKING something that she holds very dear, that never goes over well. Explain that at this time, you feel you'd like to step back from the JWs and work on your own personal spirituality, or something like that...whatever it is you want to do. But also, make it very clear that you support HER decision to do whatever she wants...if she wants to remain a witness, you totally support her decision even if you don't think it's the right thing for you.

  I think if you approach it this way, she won't feel so threatened, and when she sees how much you respect HER choices, she will likely respond in kind to your choices. Not that it will be easy!

  Too often, people that leave the JWs turn around and do the same thing to those who are still JWs that THEY didn't like (you know, they didn't like getting hit over the head with the watchtower, but now they hit people over the head with COC and websites...it's the same thing!)

  People have to make their own decisions, and will come to their own "truth" in their own time...there's no forcing it. And your wife's "truth" may never agree with yours...so what if you love each other!

  I know that it is hard to restrain yourself from talking about something you feel so strongly about...when we decide to leave there is often a lot of anger, hurt, and frustration tied in with that decision...and we want to be able to get it out! Unfortunately, often we spew it on those closest to us who HAVEN'T made the same decision....and they feel attacked. If you need to spew, I really encourage you to go talk to a counselor. It can be really helpfull just to have someone to talk to about it where talking about it doesn't jeopardize your relationship.

  Hope this helps
  Gwendolyn
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  David Gladden

  I DA'ed myself, but looking back I can't help but wonder if legal action is possible while you are still "in good standing".

  I'm wondering if you can have a lawyer contact the elders and tell them that you wish to leave the congregation. Let the lawyer know that you fear slander and reprisals. Base this on WT publications regarding DA'ed and DF'ed members. For this reason the lawyer can tell the elders that if anything slanderous or any sanctions are imposed against you, you will sue them. They, and no entity acting on behalf of the WTBTS or the Cong may keep information about you or discuss topics about you in a formal manner.

  Give them a simple choice, be sued, or obey a gag order that requires them so simply say "Brother so-and-so has not been Disfellowshipped, has not Disassociated himself, and has left the congregation in good standing." If they say anything beyond that, they are liable.

  Or am I in dreamland with wishful thinking?