I want to answer some of the things you mentioned
Right now I Thank you so so so very much for opening up about this I can understand more clearly my insane actions (for the past three years).
Some people think I talk about this as a way to vent. I do it because I KNOW there are people like you who need to know they are not alone and that it is OK to start talking. So thank you for doing just that. I know it isn't easy.
I for the first time on this board fully will admit I was sexually abused by my father too but fortunity my mother, doctors, police, and conselars told me I have a memory block of the incident that has helped me cope with the tramatic incident and because I was 5 it wouldn't be as hard on me (which was true up until, now when men started noticing me and started having relationships). Dad was my fatherfigure at the time who I looked up to and loved dearly but abused that love and well I feel I allowed alot of unessary abuse on myself with every instance I face especially with men. Mom and I (my lil sis just a baby) were on the run because he threated to kidnap me. We stayed close to my grandparents who help raise me & my sister.
It is tragic when a parent betrays that trust that an innocent child must have in them. It is our only way to survive and they betrayed us. Thank goodness you had people in your life who protected you from him. Young children, especially those under the age of five will commonly block the memory of the abuse. it sounds like you have plenty of people who will validate it though so no one can accuse you of making it up.
Your experiences with men later on are all common among sexual abuse survivors. It is a hard thing to learn to relate to men in a non-sexual way when some of your first experiences were so skewed. You can't treat a young child for the long term effects of the abuse until they become long term problems. The child has to be at that age where, like in your case, relationships begin that the problems begin to show up.
See I'm afraid weither I should have kids when I get married if I'd be a good mom.
If you deal with your issues around the abuse and are clear about where the problems are you can head off so many of the problems you are worried about. Being abused isn't an automatic stamp that you will be a bad parent. In reality the fact that your mother did everything in her power to protect you gives you that life-lesson that you can pass on to your children.
I also have emotional issues and problems moving on. I'm very clingy to my fiance and seriously I prob would die with out him. I still have a bet of problems with my self image, confidence, and especially decision making. I relie on my fiance so much for every move I make, he has treated me so well and with a ton more respect then any guy I met and I don't want to loose that.
All of this can be helped with good therapy.
But I worry I will turn into my mom (she was remarried once and it wasn't pretty)...
OK your mom married a creep. BUT SHE LEFT HIM! That is your example. She left. There is no reason to think you will no make the same mistake your mother made. You most likely will make better choices and avoid your mother's initial mistake. And from what you described above your fiance sounds pretty good.
I don't want to scare him away and I want to train my (future) kids the right way. But somehow I feel I need a image (to beable to say I know myself) before I go into big steps like having kids and choicing a religion. And if I find this image will it affect my marriage like it lead to me getting DFed (I over came being shy & backwords after learning that men were actually attracted to me and life wasn't so scary as I made it to be, it was my turning point at age 21 and now I'm 24).
Well it doesn't sound like he is running away. It sounds like you are making good choices and that you are aware of some of the dangers. Get some good counseling. That will help you to know yourself. Keep the lines of communication open with your fiance.
And be kind to yourself. It sounds like you are so hard on YOU. And you don't have to be. Yes your father gave you some hard lessons. But he wasn't the only adult in your life. The other adults protected you. Take lessons from them.
When I was first in counseling for the sexual abuse my counselor put me together with another incest survivor. We were both interested in group sup[port. But there was only 2 of us so we agreed to meet. I was so scared going into that first meeting. I expected to see a pathetic, poorly dressed, uncouth person when I walked into the room. Instead I saw a pleasant well,dressed pretty young woman. I was surprised, no shocked. After the meeting I thought about what my expectations were. It amounted to this. The image I expected was how I saw myself. But as Mouthy/Grace here has said many times I was a pretty young woman who took good care of myself. This is the person I thought was so ugly and terrible
What we believe isn't necessarily true. Sometimes we need an outside opinion that is unbiased. That is a bit of what a counselor can do for you