I said my piece a couple of pages ago, and while threads like this frustrate me to no end, I'm trying not to repeat myself. BUT there are a few things I just can't stop myself from responding to (and I guess I'm the biggest killjoy of the bunch).
First, I get it. Believe me, I get it, and I understand why you're thinking and feeling the way you are. But you have a child -- a child who is not this man's daughter, and in that you are very fortunate. You have freely admitted that this guy is wracked with guilt and self-loathing, looking for punishment, unable to reason, defensive about insane beliefs, wanting you to join him in that insanity, angry and rude when called on the most innocuous questions, on and on. How is this a good man to bring into your life as a husband/father? Make no mistake, whether YOU join up or not, the WTS will be a HUGE part of your life; it will rule your life because it will rule your man's mind.
You have been told directly in this and other threads what to expect from this cult. And you've read other resources too that all say the same thing. But you still consider marrying this guy, making him your child's stepfather, because you "don't want to give up on him" since it would be "un-Christian" to do so?
PLEASE think about this, and please BELIEVE what people are telling you. I do understand how and why a woman would get sucked into this mess and think her JW was different. I did the exact same thing. But you have a child -- why in the world is it okay to risk her well-being for the sake of "not giving up on" an unstable and irrational man who will almost certainly make your family life a nightmare? This I do not understand.
Like I and others said before (and you have admitted to understanding!), you are in for a world of hurt unless this man wakes up and walks away from the WTS with eyes wide open. And it sounds like that is not the way things are heading, not by a long-shot. A guilt-ridden, lapsed JW wanting to get back into the fold and drag you with him is a toxic mess that will blow up in your face. And the thing is -- he is even telling you this himself in his words and actions! Listen to what he is telling you.
You said this guy was first your friend, then he was your boyfriend, now he's a potential husband. If you are dead-set on trying to wake him up, why not do that as his friend -- ditch the romance part unless and until he wakes up. You don't have to cut him out of your life, just be his friend. If he was the biological father of your child, things would be different (and more complicated). If you marry him, things WILL become complex to a bad degree. If you're not willing to just walk away, at least consider putting the brakes on the romance/marriage part.
Please don't do this to yourself, or your CHILD. Please believe the things you have read and are reading!
I am very sorry to be so blunt and harsh, but I think you have no clue what you're really getting into, and a child in the mix makes that doubly alarming. I am bowing out of this thread now, but I really hope you will change your thoughts about how to deal with this. You don't want to still be here years from now begging others not to make the mistakes you did. And you don't want your daughter showing up here down the road for help in recovering either.
PS - JWs lie. It is ingrained, and nothing he tells you about concessions and compromises he will make for you can be taken at face value. If you're not in, you're out, and Theocratic Warfare applies. You and your child will be living on a slippery and secretive slope. Never forget that fact.
I need answers to so MANY questions.....
by Confuzzled 74 Replies latest jw friends
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nameless_one
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dgp
To make reference to Greenie's post, I believe that Confuzzled's JW is bringing another person for two reasons. One, because, unless I got it wrong, it seems that you can't "study" the Bible with a person of the opposite sex. Two, because he knows he can't answer Confuzzled's questions, and that adds to his discomfort.
I can understand your feelings and your situation. I think I share it myself. Here I am, telling you to let go, but I myself don't do it fully. I have spent months reading stuff, and I keep discovering new things all the time. It makes me sad to the point of tears. I wonder if this particular woman has ever been truly happy. I have reasons to believe she was raped. I know she has had to endure poverty and misery (if the difference in the terms means anything) that no one should have ever had to endure. I can see that she is not free to love me, or anyone not in her small world. Her organization tells her that Christian love is limited to seven million guys, out of the more than six billion now living. She hopes she won't die. My heart is torn at the tought that she might bleed to death. Yet, all I can do is try to understand her world, and stay in the distance, where she will feel safe about me, so I can help her not to starve, not to make stupid decisions, and wait until she will see the light. My love, she knows she has it, and she knows to what degree.
I am sure you can see yourself in this picture, can't you?
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garyneal
Let us put it simply like this, sometimes you are better off alone than with someone who is not right for you.
I love my wife and I think, aside from the religion, she and I are very compatible. However, she is a born in and she has the JW mentality ingrained in her head. She will not look at her religion objectively because her mind is closed. She thinks that if she entertains the thought that 1914 is wrong, then she must entertain the thought that her entire religion is wrong because 1914 is its achilles heal. Simply put, she will not entertain that thought.
Now in regards to your child, I too have a child from another relationship that my wife became a step-mom to. Her attitude towards this child (my son) six years ago was dreadful and the conflict that she and I had over her jealousy ultimately led her to being carted off to jail. To their credit, the JW's in our life supported me in my dilema and told me that the religion never fosters the kind of negative reactions my wife showed during these tumultuous years. I have no reason to believe that they would be lying or covering anything up in this regards so I believe they are telling the truth. Never-the-less her reactions made an already bad situation worse because my son's mom did not really want me involved in his life to start with.
This man may be nice to you now but people change. My wife and I started out as friends, we became lovers, then married. All the while, I never suspected that she would have a problem with my son. Boy was I wrong and boy did I regret marrying her at the time. We did pull through but it was in part due to the counseling we received and my son's mother moving out of the area with her husband (whose a MORMON can you believe that!!!) and my son. Our marraige has suffered damage due to this. One time in the middle of this her own mother suggested I call 911 and have her committed (she takes paxil by the way). Apparently her parents did this to her sister and all I can say is, WOW. However, her sister did experience rape so I cannot blame her ills totally on the religion either.
Now, like I said, I feel that this incident has little to do with the religion because even people in her religion were supporting me in this delima. However, I cannot help but to wonder if the religion did not play some part. Back then, she kept saying that 'God does not bless out of wedlock kids and they are not a blessing.' This in spite of the elder and his wife and my wife's mom telling her different. Perhaps her jealousy twisted the teachings.
Anyway, I'm only saying this because you have a child too and that adds a new dynamic in your relationship. Single parents must tread carefully when selecting a mate. If things are not going well with him now, they will not get better if you marry him and may get a whole lot worse.
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Saoirse
I know I'm buying into a boatload of heartache, but for the time being Im not giving up on him. That would be very un-Christian.
WRONG!!! I'm sorry sweetie but you need to go and re-read your Bible. 2 Cor 6:14 to be exact. The Bible clearly states that you, as a professed Christian, have no business dating this man. You can make up your own rules if you want but don't call yourself a Christian if you're going to willfully disobey God. You're not following God, you're following yourself. You can't have it both ways. The only thing un-Christian (and very foolish) is your insistence on continuing this relationship.
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garyneal
I must agree with Saoirse in that you're following yourself rather than God. I did it too and I can certainly tell you that it is not the right thing to do.
I know it is not easy to accept but put yourself in his shoes and imagine him following the same guideline. He, a professed JW has no business dating you. That sounds harsh, I know, but that is how they think. Look at it in another way, if you truly want him to be happy do you think he will be happier married to a non-witness or to a witness?
I look at my situation with my wife and I can see how happy she is when she is at the elder's house doing a book study and in the hall (when my daughter and I aren't making a ruckus). It is her sanctuary but unfortunately, it is not mine. Nice people there yes, but a part of me always feels that something is not right.