ethical question - maybe you can help

by besty 42 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

• 

  besty

  This is hypothetical, but it must happen and I don't recall it being addressed before on JWN

  We are DF'd about 2 years now. Our JW friends shunned us.

  If one such friend now reaches out to contact us that would surely be a good thing, yes? If they have cheated on their JW partner and become DF'd and are now looking for fellow DF'd former friends to reconnect with, how do we respond?

  Are we glad they are out the cult, accept that marital breakdown is complex with many causes and offer them support, sympathy and we are selfishly vindicated to have one less person in the cult?

  Or are we upset that they have caused a marriage to break down and leave our sympathies with the wronged partner, although they are JW and still shunning us?

  Your input is welcomed.
• 

  baltar447

  I think it's deplorable that I've seen people come on here and welcome ones that have broken up families just because they are leaving the org or DF'd. If you willingly break up a family(I don't care what your religion is) you shouldn't be getting high-fives and hugs.
• 

  AllTimeJeff

  Having been through a divorce at the same time I left, and remembering both the confused stated I was in, as well as how much turmoil I was in, my suggestion would be to offer your support.

  Being a JW muddies the water very much, and causes confused loyalites. Every exit is different, and not all marriages can be saved during these exits...
• 

  besty

  i hear you baltar447 - but let me add something to the mix - it may be an exceptionally emotionally vulnerable person that has left the JW's (and their partner)

  Would that influence how we ex-cult members treat someone trying to rebuild their lives outside the group?
• 

  MegaDude

  I've had friends in the situation you described and kept them because I understood how unhappy they were in the marriage. Sometimes divorce is nobody's fault. It's wrong to cheat on your partner, but I've seen a number of unhappily married people testing the waters with another person because the idea of divorce is not something they are prepared to deal with at the time. It's the human condition. What is your friend's core character? A good guy who made a mistake or something else? That would give me my answer.
• 

  besty

  Thanks ATJ - let me put this way - would you offer support if they are simply DF'd and not open to hearing the truth about the truth?

  Say they just want some friends rather than none for the period they are DF'd, and view getting in touch as a guilt-free way to salve their cognitive dissonance about shunning us for the last few years?
• 

  BabaYaga

  A third party can never break up a healthy marriage: No overbearing parent, no child, no sexy secretary, no religion.

  You can be a friend without condoning everything they have done. If you feel like being there for him, do it. In doing so, you can communicate your mixed feelings if you need to.
• 

  AllTimeJeff

  Thanks ATJ - let me put this way - would you offer support if they are simply DF'd and not open to hearing the truth about the truth?

  Say they just want some friends rather than none for the period they are DF'd, and view getting in touch as a guilt-free way to salve their cognitive dissonance about shunning us for the last few years?

  I (think I) understand where you are coming from. This gets back to a personal mantra that I have adopted: I don't judge a person, nor do I assume that I have to take on a persons personal issues as my own.

  "To know a man, one must walk a day in his shoes..." (something to that effect)

  If they want me as a friend while they are DF'd, then if they still want to believe that JW's have the truth, thats not my burden. I will always let them now that if they want to talk, or learn what I have learned, they can do that.

  Besides, whether they realize it or not, if its their guilt that is motivating them to see me, that means something in their head is working that hasn't worked in a while.

  Just give them whatever time and space they need....
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  You are complicating this situation quite well. I like that. I am not the one in their marriage, so it is not for me to judge whether they had a happy marriage or not, whether it was truly over or not. My father cheated on my mother, and while that is wrong in my moral code, she left him for the Jehovah's Witnesses back before 1975. I maintain contact with divorced family no matter what their reason was, so I can do the same for friends.
  You could further complicate this by saying, "What if the guilty party was DF'ed and reached out for our friendship, but the innocent party (still JW) was our real friend until they both stopped speaking to us?" Even in that case, I would say that my friendship is available to both of them, but one refuses to reach out.

  As far as them reaching out just to have a friend in an intermission in their JW service until their inevitable reinstatement, well- you never know what you can do to help them out of that.

  Having said all that, if they are a "user" friend and not a real close "true" friend, you are free to say, "We were never really that close, so I don't want to be your temporary friend. Good day."

  If it seems like I am all over the map, well I don't know what further complications you will present. If you like the guy/girl, then be a friend. If you don't like the guy/girl, tell them your feelings. Tell such a person you will be glad to help them learn the truth, but if they just need a buddy until their reinstatement, then they can go to the bar.
• 

  baltar447

  i hear you baltar447 - but let me add something to the mix - it may be an exceptionally emotionally vulnerable person that has left the JW's (and their partner)

  Would that influence how we ex-cult members treat someone trying to rebuild their lives outside the group?

  Well, it might depend on the situation. But ask yourself, what if the mate that was innocent didn't do anything really bad and was a pretty decent person? Then you're offering support to the one who broke up a family. I'd have a problem with that regardless of a person's religion.

  I'd find out more about it if it was me.