Hi all. I thought it best I stay a lurker. It's just right now, I'm going through some doubts and just plain discouraged. Sometimes, trying to do everything just wears me out, and I feel like I'm suffocating. After the convention this year, I cried for two weeks straight. And really didn't understand why. Well, actually, one big reason for me, is still being a single sister in my mid-thirties. I made the mistake of not marrying by the time I'm 25. And, for some reason, that fact always hits me harder at conventions. All the families sitting around me. And seeing the younger generation pair up. And I feel life has passed me by. Everyone tells me, wait until the new system. It really provides little comfort. It kills my self-esteem. And I just feel unworthy. And I wonder what is wrong with me. After awhile, you start to feel quite unlovable. And when you're my age and still single, I feel left out a lot of times. And because of my doubts and being "spiritually weak" a part of me is worried that it all has been in vain. All I ever wanted was to find a good Witness husband to be my best friend and serve Jehovah together. And, now, I've given up the hope that will ever happen. And now, I'm at a crossroads of sorts. That's why I'm here. Don't know how long I'll stay or what path I'm going to take. I can't make such a serious decision overnight. Sincerely
Just worn out
I really don't know what to say.........except..........welcome.........and
you are absolutely correct, you cant make serious decisions overnight.
Take your time, we will try to support you.
There is a lot for you to think out.
Frankly, your doubts are probably something more we can help you with then your lonliness, although there are sooo many here who have felt just like you. Being a JW does not help you find your soul mate, because all JW's are taught to find someone who loves Jehovah more then you.
On that score, however you want to worship god, or feel that you need more time to explore without the Governing Body telling you all the time what to read, how to read it, and what it means for you, then take it. There is no rush. (oh, and don't read what anyone else has to say. Clearly, you can only trust JW's, thats why they discourage you to talk to anyone but the elders)
Please don't be afraid. You don't have to live in fear anymore, of your doubts of your future, of lonliness. It sucks, that fear. But much of that fear can be overcome. You can be happy.
Whatever you decide for yourself, I wish you the best. (even if you were to stay a JW, which I don't personally recommend)
I pasted this to another thread because the board burped.
BRB, while I collect some thoughts.
One of the lonliest places to be, can be inside a KH. If u are not part of a large family or popular, it's a lonely life.
I understand your emotional exhaustion I watched as my ex-sister-law pioneered resisting any brother who wanted to marry her. I remember when she got into her early 30's she bemourned that she was never able to meet and marry the perfect JW guy early on. At the same time she just never felt any of the brothers were strong enough to deserve her interest. Eventually she did marry but she was 45 years old and though she had decided early in your youth to never have any children, I knew she felt to some degree she had been cheated. She was always a very anal type witness following the rules to the extreme even when it wasn't demanded of her. I felt sorry for her but she was right she had passed up several interested JW young brothers so she could serve more fully, but later felt it had been a mistake. Pioneering all those years of her life was not as satisfying as she once imagined it would be.
What makes it especially hard is that there are few available brothers available unless their divorced. I understand your struggle to want to know if your on the right path. It won't be an overnight decision that is for sure. I no longer have contact with her since I divorced her brother but last time I did see her at wedding she didn't look very happy. Marriage is not always the happy situation single sisters might imagine it to be.
And I wonder what is wrong with me.
Nothing is wrong with you. If you are a privileged daughter of a PO or you are very pretty, you have it made. Those families you see at the conventions? Check with them in 10 years when their kids wake up.
Do NOT let them define you as a woman. Go read about Deborah, she was kinda my hero. Jehovah chose her to be a Judge before King Saul was installed as King because the Israelittes were being assholes. If Jehovah can trust a woman with life and death decisions, then why cant the Govering Body?
You are NOT unlovable. Most of the guys leave when they hit 18-20. I remember how slim the pickings were in the congregations.
In my experience "worldly men" are not the demons we were told they were. I married one, he hasn't beaten me yet (after 14 years)
I married a real idiot and future wife beater. Good thing I got out of the marriage before he hit me a third time. He hit me twice and I was out! I was married at 18 and divorced at 26. He left me with two adorable little kids. That was back in 1994.
Now, I'm almost 41 and have been single ever since. I spent the whole time bemoaning the fact that I was unlovable and unclean for the divorce. I was damaged goods. It's been a looooong time since he left and I've been alone ever since. You wrote as if you were me.
I left the JW's in 2005 and feel so much better about myself and where my life is heading. My kids are newly grown adults and one is in college. I'm finishing a master of science degree. Life goes uphill when one leaves that high control misogynistic religion.
The only way to get unworn out is to get out. We all know that over 50% of JW suffer from depression, low self esteen, low self worth. They will beat you down tell you you are not doing enought to please jahovah. You are still young. What about the older 45-55 sister who never got out and never get married. Think of it it`s not what you don`t have it`t what you do have. What you are looking for you will never find in KH.
A "worldly " guy will most likely respect u for u, and be tolerant of a differant opinion. It may help u to blend into the other 99% of the population.
My favorite quote from my wife when she attended one of my many cocktail mixers with my clients? "They are sooooo normal". Yes my wife, the JW's do not hold exclusive rights to morals, frienships, and loyalty. And hardly truth.