Im new....posting hesitantly :)

by wantstoleave 45 Replies latest jw experiences

  • hubert

    Read "Crisis of Conscience" by Ray Franz, former governing body member. Your doubts about the "truth" will be confirmed, and your guilt will go away for good.


    Not everyone that's "normal" swears. So, you don't have to swear to be normal. Welcome to the board.

  • jookbeard

    2nd that Hubert

  • wantstoleave

    Thankyou. I appreciate your kind words :) I think that's how I currently feel, like a faker. Like I'm a witness in name only. And I've never been one to be false, so it doesn't sit well with me. I also think too that I have another problem....I am a baptised witness, yet I don't think I know very much! Lol....thinking back to when I got baptised (at 16), I studied the questions I had to answer and that was it. Up til then I'd been regular on field service, meetings all my life etc.....but I don't think I ever truly grasped anything. So honestly, I don't have much of a head for dates, the bible or general witness knowledge. Shameful isn't it? It's more that I've just grown up to accept this and that.

    I find too that when my parents mention Jehovah to my kids, or they come out with 'that's Jehovah's animal' etc....inside I cringe! Up until the past few years I'd NEVER had that feeling before. Then I beat myself up for thinking so disrespectfully of Jehovah. Lol...does that make sense? I know, I's just SO ingrained after all these years. I'm programmed to feel guilty all the time!

    There was a time between the ages of 13 and 16 where my family didn't attend meetings. Dad had become pretty ill, so because he couldn't go to meetings, mum slackened off too. Which meant us kids did as well. That went on for a couple of years, then at about 15 I decided I wanted to go back, so got lifts with others to every meeting. I attended meetings on my OWN until I was about 19. It was horrible. I sat alone at each meeting. I had no friends, noone invited me out and then back at home, my family wasn't doing anything spiritual wise. I was sooooo lonely. I remember for a time at about 19 deciding I didn't want to be a witness anymore. I told my mum and brother, they begged me to stay - so I did.

    I married at 24......and with my new husband, we only went to a handful of meetings in 4yrs and went witnessing twice. It was during this time I started to really doubt I think. I don't even know if doubt is the right word for what I mean. I guess I just gave up, couldn't be bothered anymore. I liked sleeping in on Saturday after working all week. I liked lazy Sundays. Does that make me a bad person? It sure made me feel bad!

    I never remember being bitter about all those years I attended meetings on my own, until now. Because now when I don't want to go to meetings, I've got my mum and dad saying 'are you going tonight' etc or my sister crying when I don't go. Then I have the whole 'fear' thing rush over me, if I'm not going to make it, what will happen to my kids etc etc. And at other times, I doubt it will ever happen at all!

    I hope I'm not the only one who has been through these

  • wantstoleave

    Have to add too, that between the ages of 19 and family very rarely came to meetings with me. So, for the best part of 11yrs, I was attending meetings on my own. My brother stopped going when I was about 24. Just after I got married.

  • no more kool aid
    no more kool aid

    Hi and welcome. You have some decisions to make but there is no need to rush, sounds like you are kind of fading now. If you do go to a meeting "listen", check it out see if it's right. I really agree with Lisa, do you want your kids to endure this same angst? Enjoy your kids, maybe meet some new people through them, like soccer or school stuff. The rule about having proof of being "scriptural free" is perhaps one of the first ridiculous things you should question. As for you parents, sure you love them, but you can't live your life for them (I tried it), it doesn't work. Good luck. NMKA

  • wantstoleave

    Hi NMKA....yes, the scriptural proof thing is probably what is killing me right And has been for over a year. Never did I ever imagine I'd be in this situation. I have a great deal of respect for those witnesses who have endured similar situations to mine and stayed, well, celibate! But the more I think on it, the more ridiculous it is that HE can make decisions for me. That HE is still in control of my life, because he chose to walk out and abandon us. That's what annoys me. I feel like I'm trapped and at his mercy, his whim because he doesn't want me, yet noone else can have me because he chooses so.

  • angel eyes
    angel eyes

    He left you? you havent got proof that he was messing around..but !!! If he isnt providing for you then the scripture says "a man who deosnt provide for his own household is like a man without faith" the elders know he isnt providing? Is he providing spiritually too??? Afterall he is the childrens father.

  • angel eyes
    angel eyes

    just re read what you said and you say you have proof that he was messing around???? Thats good...surely that helps towards a scriptual divorce???

  • mouthy

    WTL..... Welcome to the group so happy to have you aboard

  • wantstoleave

    Yes, he left us. No warning. I had to file missing persons to find him. He is NOT providing for the children at all. He has not contacted us at all. So, no, he is not providing financially OR spiritually - yet he attends meetings and goes witnessing in his country *rolls eyes*. As for messing around, I have proof he near enough did, but I don't know if he actually slept with her. So, you can see how it is a difficult situation for me. The elders over where he is I guess have their hands tied, coz he's a good liar. He told them I kicked him out. LIE. So, they have to believe him I guess. They can't make him come back to us. Nor would I want him back knowing what I now know.

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