Thankyou. I appreciate your kind words :) I think that's how I currently feel, like a faker. Like I'm a witness in name only. And I've never been one to be false, so it doesn't sit well with me. I also think too that I have another problem....I am a baptised witness, yet I don't think I know very much! Lol....thinking back to when I got baptised (at 16), I studied the questions I had to answer and that was it. Up til then I'd been regular on field service, meetings all my life etc.....but I don't think I ever truly grasped anything. So honestly, I don't have much of a head for dates, the bible or general witness knowledge. Shameful isn't it? It's more that I've just grown up to accept this and that.
I find too that when my parents mention Jehovah to my kids, or they come out with 'that's Jehovah's animal' etc....inside I cringe! Up until the past few years I'd NEVER had that feeling before. Then I beat myself up for thinking so disrespectfully of Jehovah. Lol...does that make sense? I know, I know...it's just SO ingrained after all these years. I'm programmed to feel guilty all the time!
There was a time between the ages of 13 and 16 where my family didn't attend meetings. Dad had become pretty ill, so because he couldn't go to meetings, mum slackened off too. Which meant us kids did as well. That went on for a couple of years, then at about 15 I decided I wanted to go back, so got lifts with others to every meeting. I attended meetings on my OWN until I was about 19. It was horrible. I sat alone at each meeting. I had no friends, noone invited me out and then back at home, my family wasn't doing anything spiritual wise. I was sooooo lonely. I remember for a time at about 19 deciding I didn't want to be a witness anymore. I told my mum and brother, they begged me to stay - so I did.
I married at 24......and with my new husband, we only went to a handful of meetings in 4yrs and went witnessing twice. It was during this time I started to really doubt I think. I don't even know if doubt is the right word for what I mean. I guess I just gave up, couldn't be bothered anymore. I liked sleeping in on Saturday after working all week. I liked lazy Sundays. Does that make me a bad person? It sure made me feel bad!
I never remember being bitter about all those years I attended meetings on my own, until now. Because now when I don't want to go to meetings, I've got my mum and dad saying 'are you going tonight' etc or my sister crying when I don't go. Then I have the whole 'fear' thing rush over me, if I'm not going to make it, what will happen to my kids etc etc. And at other times, I doubt it will ever happen at all!
I hope I'm not the only one who has been through these feelings...lol