can you really ever fade with immediate family still in?
You can, but it's a long term project...
It also helps if your spouse meets you half way...or more, even if unwittingly. Sometimes you can cause them to fade by example. If you lose interest and find new interests or better yet, allow your spouse to pursue outside interests that take time and effort away from JW activities, in time they'll be out and none the wiser.
In time, their being away long enough may free their mind to the point where they start to think for themselves and question things on their own.
I'm starting to see hints of that in my situation.
From what you've said in the past, your wife is pretty hard-core, so it won't be easy. And who knows, she may never bend.
I think, from my armchair quarterback's position, is that you need to stand up for your rights a little more. It sounds like she's holding you hostage. If you don't want to go to meetings, don't go. She'll be pissed and/or hurt at first, but once she see's you ain't going, but that you still love her and put her above all else, she'll calm down and accept it...over time. That's when things could even turn to your favor. She'll not want to go to the hall by herself, so she may start missing more meetings, service, etc. She may never quit, but she might become more balanced in juggling being a JW and being your wife.
As long as she believes in it, even if less active it will always be the 800lb gorilla in the room. You have to get used to that part.
As for the elders, you may have to put them on the hot seat a little. Make them uncomfortable and they'll leave you alone. I had one elder try to "lord it over me" and I kicked him out of the house. To this day, many people think I won't come back because of him. Another elder wanted to help but I asked him to verify some things...that I knew he couldn't...and I never heard from him again. On the rare occasion that I have seen him, he actually shuns me. I think he knows my true feelings and thoughts and wants no part of it. But it works for me. They leave me alone.
Good luck and hang in there...