can you really ever fade with immediate family still in?

by oompa 30 Replies latest jw friends

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  oompa

  i am beginning to think not....elders still want to call on me rather than befriend me in any way.....and with a "good" wife and son and parents in, it seems like i still have one foot in only because of the overlap with my other "free" self........it is hard to really feel free in this situation, and is still have desire to just run the fluck away.....which would mean pretty much giving up my family in nearly every respect

  some here really miss their family and wife, others so love the freedom they seem able to move on and start fresh....as you know, i dont seem to have the balls for that, and at this point in my life the price seems to high to fully start over........it is the "one in one out limbo dance"......oompa
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  SnakesInTheTower

  oompa...

  good morning to you

  We often make sacrifices for the ones we love. I didn't used to truly understand that until now. As a single guy, I had the freedom to do what I wanted, when I wanted, without worrying about a wife or kid. My only limitations on my time, once I left the Borg, were related to work and getting things I had to get done, done (ie, housework, yardwork, etc.). Now, I have a fiancee and soon to be step-son living in my our house. Since my fiancee has to be at work earlier than me, I take her son to school most mornings........otherwise he has to get up with her an hour or 2 earlier and go to grandparents' and catch the bus. Why put him (or his g'parents) through that? He gets to sleep in until 7 (instead of 530), hangs out with me for 40 minutes, watches a little TV, helps me with a couple little chores, and off he goes to school. Now I am up and ready to get chores around the house done (which is a lot with all the moving and rearranging). Meaning I have to get up earlier...I get up and have coffee with her....then have an hour of quiet time...then get her son up for school.....Yep, I am not used to being up early, I am a night owl. But the sacrifice is worth it to me.

  Oompa, my point in telling that little story is that you are making sacrifices....sacrificing some of your freedom (to do anything you want) to keep your wife and son and parents in your life. If you love them and want to keep them around, it may be the necessary evil not telling WTBTS to fluck off. If you walked away from WTBTS completely, you know you risk losing them to the cult.

  What a $hitty choice to be forced to make. I feel for you. Hang in there. Maybe your loved ones willl wake up. When (hopefully not if) they do, they will truly appreciate the sacrifices you made for them.

  Snakes (Rich )
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  blondie

  I have jw family still in but I don't maintain any contact with them. I couldn't take the abuse any more. It's your family, you know best if they have any redeeming qualities worth staying in touch with.
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  TweetieBird

  I've been fading for 10 years or more. Even living in a different area than family is hard because when they come to visit, they want to go to meetings. If you haven't been to the hall for a while you're found out when nobody in the hall knows who you are. Fortunately, my husband and kids do not believe the bs anymore so if the rest of the family disowns us, so be it. I'm tired of playing the game.
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  OnTheWayOut

  Some family allow for a fader, some don't.

  Personal opinion- do what you need to do for personal freedom. Tell the elders you are not interested in them calling on/helping you. They will probably go away eventually. If you totally fade from JW activity, you will possibly be shunned or avoided by some family members, but you might be surprised who doesn't do that. Either way, you fade as much as you want from the JW activity and see who is left. Otherwise, you are a prisoner to it.

  That way, you never decided not to be a JW, you never did anything to be shunned. Either that, or you run the fluck away. I think you will miss family if you do that.
• 

  undercover

  can you really ever fade with immediate family still in?

  You can, but it's a long term project...

  It also helps if your spouse meets you half way...or more, even if unwittingly. Sometimes you can cause them to fade by example. If you lose interest and find new interests or better yet, allow your spouse to pursue outside interests that take time and effort away from JW activities, in time they'll be out and none the wiser.

  In time, their being away long enough may free their mind to the point where they start to think for themselves and question things on their own.

  I'm starting to see hints of that in my situation.

  From what you've said in the past, your wife is pretty hard-core, so it won't be easy. And who knows, she may never bend.

  I think, from my armchair quarterback's position, is that you need to stand up for your rights a little more. It sounds like she's holding you hostage. If you don't want to go to meetings, don't go. She'll be pissed and/or hurt at first, but once she see's you ain't going, but that you still love her and put her above all else, she'll calm down and accept it...over time. That's when things could even turn to your favor. She'll not want to go to the hall by herself, so she may start missing more meetings, service, etc. She may never quit, but she might become more balanced in juggling being a JW and being your wife.

  As long as she believes in it, even if less active it will always be the 800lb gorilla in the room. You have to get used to that part.

  As for the elders, you may have to put them on the hot seat a little. Make them uncomfortable and they'll leave you alone. I had one elder try to "lord it over me" and I kicked him out of the house. To this day, many people think I won't come back because of him. Another elder wanted to help but I asked him to verify some things...that I knew he couldn't...and I never heard from him again. On the rare occasion that I have seen him, he actually shuns me. I think he knows my true feelings and thoughts and wants no part of it. But it works for me. They leave me alone.

  Good luck and hang in there...
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  The Almighty Homer

  Its quite possible to fade and still have good family relationships , its just how you do your fade, that is of great importance.

  If you go out with guns a blazing yapping your head off on whats wrong with the JWS, your sure to

  get stiff suffering reprisals .The better way is of course is to just quietly step out the back door and if asked why just imply you simply don't believe

  in it any more to continue on, leaving the rest of the family to as they say, do their own thing.

  There has to be expressed respect levied toward the believers at this time , even though the urge to open ones mouth is

  enticingly tempting to do so.

  Unfortunately from reading most people's exit out of this religion they take the shouting and yelling approach and this in the long run

  only further on introduces separation and disbandment by their immediate family members.

  My suggestion is if you do have family involved with this religion and they are quite devoted to it , leave quietly and carry

  yourself in good character, if you do so you'll only end up frustrating the JWS because they'll expect you to become evil

  and corrupt with the bad and evil spirit Satan the devil.
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  lepermessiah

  I have been wondering the same thing since I am really early on in the process.

  The interesting thing for me is now that I spilled my guts to my wife on how i feel, I actually feel like our relationship is getting stronger. She has made it easier for me because I was very up front with how I feel, and although she doesnt agree with my stance totally, I think she understands it. I am hoping eventually she will examine many of the things I have and come to her own conclusions. But, I am making it very clear on how I feel. I dont want sheparding calls, I dont want to be preached to, and if I feel like I can attend with her on occasion, I will. We always had a very loving relationship, and I think once I told her that I love her but not the organization, she felt a lot better. Not everyone takes that stance though.

  Even with that I still see a lot of conflicts coming up - "No, I REALLY dont want to go today", "No, I will not write a check to the Worldwide Pedophilia Fund", "No, I dont want to go to the assembly", etc.......she has always been very dependant on me to "take the lead", and right now my lead is heading out the door!!

  It will be interesting to see how things shake out - I certainly wish you the very best.

  And you can call me FRO-derick FRAAN-ken-STEEN.
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  trueblue

  I tried running the fluck away, the only mistake I made was letting one JW know where I went to go to work, and other JW's followed me to work.

  I was out running arrends, and when I come back the other employee's looked as though they had seen a ghost. The manager finally told me the JW's were here looking for me, and they thought they were maphia.

  This is the best one I have heard yet: "excuse me while I pull out my Bible"

  You can not get away so just as well have fun.
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  cantleave

  Oompa, I am sure the answer to your question is "yes". It will take time and can probably play a reverse to what the JW's teach, that you may eventually win them over by your example.

  As for the elders, they really don't want to invest too much time trying to "shepherd" you and will eventually get bored.