can you really ever fade with immediate family still in?

by oompa 30 Replies latest jw friends

  • bythesea

    Oompa.....I'm with Snakes on this, it requires some sacraficing on your part in order to keep close family relationships in tact, at least that has been my own experience since my fade began almost 4 yrs ago.

    I too struggle with the thought that I must keep up some appearances in order to not have immediate family begin to shun me, and I had to come to terms with when and if I went to the KH with my mate, but we seem to have come to a compromise of sorts and it has gotten easier and there is much less tension in the house. And I'm not asked every meeting whether I am going or not, either I go in and get ready when they do or I don't, which makes it obvious.

    Early on I was being asked when a good time for a sheparding call would be, no doubt spurred on by my faithful mate's request, but I always managed to not be available for one and now its been over 2 yrs since I've been asked, so that is mostly not an issue anymore...I think they do get tired of trying! And I see my meeting attendance, when I do go, as not hypocritical....I go for my mate, I don't pass myself off as interested or put on a show, I just go, am polite and visit with those I am inclined to (about non JW related subjects) and leave. I don't answer at the WT study, I don't make any comments of any religious nature, it's as tho I'm just a visitor, which is what I am. But, its a compromise I'm willing to make once or twice a month, or even the DC in the summer, to keep my family. I figure it's worth it in the long run....these are people I want and need and love and they're worth it.

    It's not easy, I wish it were different, but it is what it is....I have my peace of mind about it all now, finally, and while I don't have total freedom in all things its enough for me to sleep at night and do what I want to do when I'm awake! Life is good.

  • dissed

    My wife and me were always united on every major decision. But on this one, she was ahead of me.

    Although she was doing everything with me, (meetings, service, etc..) she told me later, her heart was not in it. She felt guilty teaching Bible studies to come aboard, knowing what was in store for them.

    When I mentioned not going any more, she didn't argue which led to a very thought provoking discussion. The wall had come down and she unloaded about her true feelings. Wow, was I surprised!

    Every JW has doubts, but doesn't always like to express those feelings and supresses them. Some stay the course because of habits, but once they are broken, it can unravel fast.

    For you, it could be a long process, but I wouldn't give up the hope that the family will someday join you.

    As time went on, the extended family has left the JW, all but two and they are the most self righteous SOB's you will ever meet. All are hoping they will stay in, and stay away from all of us. But those who have left have become very close to us, much more than when they were living the JW lie.

  • wobble

    All the family on my side are still in,apart from a never in cousin. On my wifes side,her old Mum still goes,but she has Alzheimers and often asks "What church do I go to ?" ,but my wifes Bro and SIL,and her sister are out now.

    We are now much closer to them than when we were in.

    My wife faded with me, and is happy with the decision,more or less, she has this nagging feeling that I may have got it all wrong, it makes me seeth, she won't read much for herself.

    My family deal with me sort of O.K but never mention religious views.I have never been really close to my family, always the Black sheep,so I don't care overmuch if we see little of them.

    So my answer to the topic question ,is yes, but all families are different and made up of individuals,so just try it and see.

    I wish they would send an Elder round to see me,I'd give him hell ! I had the 2 Elder thing, nothing since.



  • bigwilly

    I moved to a different state at age 20 before I began fading. I had this luxury as I wasn't married or tied in personally, so the only tie to break was the parents (both of my siblings were already on their way out). Fortunately, since my fade and many subsiquent moves, I have no elders or dubs calling on me. The only family I see fairly often are already out themselves, so no "you haven't been in awhile" convos.

  • willyloman

    My two cents on this topic...

    There is an old Zulu proverb, quoted in a famous book by Robert Ruark ("Something of Value"):

    If a man does away with his traditional way of living and throws away his good customs,
    he had better first make certain that he has something of value to replace them.

    In my experience, this is the key to a successful fade. Live these words, apply them to loved ones, and you increase the odds that things will work out well on your new journey.

  • wobble

    Dear Willyloman,

    What a wondereful and wise proverb !

    I think the reality for most of us ,is that we suddenly wake up, HAVE to leave, and then try to replace what we have lost.

    And more often than not, for a long time we feel a spiritual void.

    The danger then is that we fill the void with similar dross to that which we have left, but hopefully we will find our way, the main thing is to leave,whether by fade, or with a bang, and then rebuild, do not delay leaving or you may never escape.



  • BabaYaga

    The answer is yes. I did. Very successfully, several years ago.

    Hugs to ya, Oomps.

  • wha happened?
    wha happened?

    we have. The inlaws are concerened but they had to rely on family rather than "the friends" that they take outside advice with a grain of salt

  • Bumble Bee
    Bumble Bee

    Yes, you can. I "faded" and my family and my spouse's family were all in. It was hard keeping up the pretense of still being active, and finally you just get to a point where you don't want to do it anymore. I told my family how I felt and it was painful for awhile, but freeing all at the same time. I was willing to have my family turn their backs on me to life a free life and not have to worry that the cat would be let out of the bag that I wasn't going to meetings anymore. My family eventually came around. The decided that they wanted a relationship with me, regardless if I went to meetings anymore. I don't talk to them about my reasons why and they don't talk about "The Truth" to me.

    It is all about sacrifices and what you are willing to sacrifice to get what you want - freedom. Only you can decide what you are comfortable sacrificing.

  • willyloman

    "I don't talk to them about my reasons why and they don't talk about "The Truth" to me."

    Dubs practically invented the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy.

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