Do mixed marriages work? What about kids?

by greenie 46 Replies latest jw experiences

  • greenie

    Hi all,

    I'm new and have posted something along these lines recently on another thread, but I'm wondering, do marriages between non-JWs and JWs work? By "work" I mean can they be loving and happy? And what about kids? I am a non-JW (and a never want to be a JW)engaged to be married to an inactive but wanting to return JW, and we have a baby together. Have any of you ever been raised in a mixed household and NOT grown up JW, I'm really interested in that scenario but any thoughts are welcome.


  • littlebird

    Welcome Greenie,

    I was not raised a jw. I got married as a teen to an older guy and we became Jws shortly after. I left it 22 yrs later. He wasn't very "active" until both of our children and myself left. Now he's very active. There are many times I don't think we'll make it, but Im still in the trying phase. I am starting to see improvement. I've been out for 1.5 years.

    Most of our fights come from him feeling like he must preach to me, constantly and I just dont want to hear it. If you are of another belief system, he is trained to shut you off in conversation and to overcome your objections. We actually get along great, when we can leave religion out of the picture. We have to learn to agree to disagree. If I want to celebrate holidays, I have to do it outside the home, because it bothers him. I'm willing to negotiate on those things.

    Bottom line, you will have to set boundaries. Before you marry him you must decide what religious beliefs do you want for your child? What if your child needs a life saving blood transfusion, Jw's will refuse it, what will you do? Will you celebrate holidays?

    Just things to think about. I wish you well.

  • OnTheWayOut

    I would normally advise that such marriages should simply be avoided.

    However, you already have a baby with this guy. You will have to follow your heart and your finances.
    Decide what's best for your child. But don't let him raise the baby to become a JW. Learn more by reading more here and educate yourself about JW's on sites like and or from books about cults like COMBATTING CULT MIND CONTROL and RELEASING THE BONDS.

  • alanv

    Hi greenie, it certainly can work but you both would have a lot of differences in your day to day life. If your fiance kept to all the Jw rules it will put a tremendous strain on your marriage. If your fiance is inactive why not find out why that is. There is so much imfo. now on the internet about what goes on behind the scenes in the WT that you may well be able to show your fiance the reason why so many are leaving. Just punch in Watchtower society or Jehovah's witnesses into the search engine and you will get a wealth of imfo. I wish you well.

  • greenie

    We've actually talked about the blood transfusion thing. I've tried to explain to him how the new partial allowances don't make sense bc you still have to store blood to even make those treatments. I've also told him that JWs used to not be allowed organ transplants. He didn't know that but it didn't seem to make any effect on how he feels. He has told me that if our child needed a lifesaving blood transfusion he wouldn't go against what I would want. He says he doesn't see how he could overrule that. However, if it was him in the emergency situation, he'd want me to tell the doctors no. I told him I'd just have to stay silent (I can't murder him...).

    We still need to talk in greater details about the holidays. I think he knows I will celebrate them, but I don't know what he thinks about our child. He has said that our child will just have to be exposed to both of our religions. Some of this to me sounds progressive for a JW based on what I've read on this site. Any thoughts?

    He obviously can't go back right now in our current situation, but I'm nervous because I have no idea how he envisions our life when he does.

    LB - What improvements are you seeing? How did you reach them?

    OTWO - I agree that if we didn't have a baby I would have put much, much more thought into this and tested the situation more. I bet we would've dated for a very long time, and I'm not sure how it would've worked out. I always wonder how he got so far away from the religion to meet me (the worldly girl - and can I say how much I hate that term!) and have a baby with me! And I feel guilty when I hope that he will stay that way, or go back and decide to move away from it again. God is important to me and I hate to deny it to him.

  • greenie

    Alan - he says he got away from it by stopping reading his Bible and going to meetings. If there's more to it than that he's not admitting it.

  • PSacramento

    See, here is the thing about kids, they DIDN'T ask to come into this world, they are brought kicking and screaming by US.

    Let me make this clear because at times people seem to "forget" this: CHildren did NOT ask to come into this world, WE bring them in.

    So the VERY LEAST we can do is prioritize them over US, remember WE bring them in and asu such they are OUR responsibility, their happines or lack thereof falls on US.

    Before we make any decision we must take into account how it will effect the children, this includes, quite obviously, HAVING children, which is the greatest responsibility any adult can have, any person can have, EVER.

    YOU/US are responsible for a life.

    Realise the magnitude of what this means and all esle falls into place.

  • littlebird

    The major improvement I'm seeing right now is that he hasnt been preaching at me lately. We have been married 24 yrs, so there is alot invested in our relationship. We are having to discover new things incommon together, set new goals for the future.

    I would take OTWO's advice and look at some websites so you will know about what you maybe getting into. I would add the site It is excellent for comparing the differences in beliefs between christianity and the jehovah's witnesses. (if this link works) it deals specifically with your question.

  • greenie

    Yes, everytime I hear my child, see a toy, think of my child, I am reminded that I've done something very unfair that my child didn't ask for, and it seems like no matter what I do, my child will have some additional stress (it could be great or small) in life that other children with more thoughtful, patient parents won't have. It absolutely kills me and I can't believe myself and that I've put my sweet innocent baby in this position. However, we both love our baby very, very much and I am positive we both want what's best for her. That might be being together if it can work out in a fair, loving way. That might mean not being together. I am very, very overwhelmed by my situation and trying to figure it out.

  • littlebird

    Oops, posted at same time, lol

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