So confused

by greenie 41 Replies latest jw friends

  • allelsefails

    Congrats on the Baby. I was raised as a JW in a divided household and have a little insight to share here. You've noticed people talking about Guilt being the driving force behind much of what JWs do to ensure people stay inline. As a child if I chose to go fishing with my dad instead of a JW meeting I was made to feel (by mom) that Jehovah God was really disappointed in me and I hurt my mom's feelings. How's that for a 4 year old who has to choose? The problem with your mate agreeing to be lenient in the household is that every meeting he goes to. Every time they have a Watchtower article or Sermon about marriage or family He is going to hear that it is his job to make sure his children are raised as JWs and to teach you. If he doesn't he is worse than someone who has no faith. He's going to feel horribly guilty anytime he hears these things and knows he is not doing what he is supposed to do. He WILL be able to convince your children that Jehovah God expects them to want to be JWs. The JWs have decades of experience and numerous publications designed exactly for that purpose. You might want to reasonable and let your children grow and chose for themselves, but he will take every opportunity to manipulate them with guilt to choose his way. He might be a great guy (my mom is awesome I love her to death), but he won't even see that applying the Watchtower's methods as manipulation (you'll see it right away). Good luck with whatever you choose. I hope he can be truly reasonable, but its hard to think he will be if he wouldn't look at things contrary to his beliefs (like this thread). Allelsefails

  • choosing life
    choosing life

    I would not have given in to becoming a jw and allowing the children to be raised in such a close-minded fashion. In my case, my husband probably would have not gotten so involved if I would have refused to join.

    That may not be true about your baby's father. He was raised a jw, my husband was not. The programing is already in his head that to be a good father, he has to raise the child "in the truth".

    Often, young adults or teenagers in the witnesses leave the religion for a time. There is always the possibility that as they get older and more settled, they will return.

    The only thing I see hope in is that he is willing to go to counseling. Make sure that includes FRANK discussions about religion and raising children. The discussion of high control groups needs to be had with the counselor involved. In this way, he will have to see the religion from a different view. How he reacts to this will be important.

    You don't say how you wish to raise your child as to religion. If it is not as a jw, ground rules need to be set from the start. I am not saying you cannot raise good kids in the jws. The problem arises when someone decides they don't believe what the watchtower teaches anymore. There is no honorable way to leave. This forces families to split apart, often for life.

    It would be easier to prevent this by allowing a child to see different viewpoints rather than forcing only one viewpoint upon them. Best wishes. cl

  • Black Sheep
    Black Sheep

    You will not be able to get him to agree to not be a JW tomorrow. It is a process that usually takes weeks, months, or years, and can go wrong at any time, especially when a cult trigger gets pulled.

    Here is a book about children. There should be no problem getting him to read it as it is not about any religion.

    You should study it together, and agree to practice the techiques described in it.

    It would be difficult, but not completely impossible, to belong to a cult while using the techniques in this book.

    The best way to protect your children from the many cults that wish to recruit them is to teach them how to think and to teach them how to recognise mind control techniques. This book will go a long way towards accomplishing that as well as setting them up for a fulfilling life.

    Teach Your Child How to Think by Edward de Bono

    If he does not agree to study it with you, that should ring very loud alarm bells for you.

    Take care


  • cjones

    Greenie, Welcome to the board and congratulations on the birth of your baby. 25 years ago I was in a very similar situation. I met a man who possessed the core values & qualities that I was searching for in a spouse. As we learned more about one another, he confessed that he was a disfellowshipped JW (no longer practicing) and that only his parents, ex-wife & children were JW's. As a christian I knew little about the JW cult but knew that it was a farce. To make a very long story short, we married, had children & apprx.3 1/2 yrs ago he returned to the JW's & our family has been in turmoil ever since. the kids are emotionally and spiritually damage, our life is horrible, it's frustrating, I am always angry, I feel betrayed, lied to & deceived. There is so much that I can share with you but I do not have the time right now. I even met some of his "friends" & have been to B'klyn Bethel & Stanley Theater ( I live in NY) let me tell you they are not a nice bunch, I find them despicable!!!

    Greenie, You have no idea how fortunate you are that you have the internet & so many resources available to you I did not have that luxury. Bottom line, my advice to you is if you want to l ive a happy & normal life w/your child then LEAVE HIM ASAP and do NOT LOOK BACK. this may seem harsh but I know what I am talking about, they are so deceitful and you do not deserves that. Continue researching but bottom line the best thing to do is raise you child on your own. It is better to be by yourself than to live a life of misery.

  • AK - Jeff
    AK - Jeff

    In answer:

    I think my brother died 8 years after the divorce. In the meantime he remarried, this time a Jw. The kids were early teens and younger when he divorced. By the time he remarried [this time to the wicked witch of the west congregation], his kids were already completely confused I imagine. He had spent most of their young life as a 'jw believer' [much like your guy I suppose] but not active as a Jw. He trained them with a mix of his 'worldly example' and his occasional insertion of jw doctrine I suppose. Then he drove the doctrine home like a wedge once he officially became one. Then they were subjected to the wicked witch stepmother for a few years.

    Two of the kids came away from my brother's funeral as true jw's. The oldest was not interested. Really never had been. But within a couple of years both the active Jw kids were disfellowshipped. I believe that the boy went back after he got it together again. My neice never went back. But her confused life has lead her into a worse situation IMO. She is living with an abusive bf and using drugs. Her life is a mess.

    I am not involved with any of their lives. One of them continues to view me as 'apostate'. The other two have screwed their lives up pretty well.

    In short - all of them are pretty mixed up. They either think they have the 'truth' and ignore the remainder of family, or they believe they are unworthy and have lost all self esteem due to the self righteous teaching of the religion. At least that is my estimation of things.

    Please consider carefully and long. This idea of 'truth' does not leave, and can cause tremendous damage in some cases.



  • oompa
    oompa can pm me or call me.....i have much to say, but little will to go into depth here........this is pretty hard to share and talk about...i have one son very very in jw.......and one son kicked to the curb/out at 16......almost none of his family or friends of old will even speak to him, or wife is in.......i am very out for just two years..........your questions are good.......but as far as your kid being raised in any faith.......i say keep them neutral as to religion......and moral as you feel/see it........and when they get older, let them choose for themselves...........take care............oompa

    an is damm confusing

  • greenie

    Hi Oompa and everyone else. Again, thanks for all your information. I couldn't reply immediately because I'm a newbie and ran over my limit.

    Oompa - I don't know how to PM. =)

  • allelsefails

    Greenie - you can click on the persons name in the thread and you will get an option to PM. Feel free to PM me as well if you want more details or any help or support. Allelsefails

  • allelsefails

    Greenie - you can click on the persons name in the thread and you will get an option to PM. Feel free to PM me as well if you want more details or any help or support. Allelsefails

  • greenie

    Thanks everyone.

    Black Sheep, I have a question. Can you tell me why you didn't ever get baptised? If it's too personal, I understand.

Share this