So confused

by greenie 41 Replies latest jw friends

  • choosing life
    choosing life

    Just be careful about marrying him. Then he becomes the head of the household and thinks he has rights over all decisions with the child over you.

    You say he is open to counseling. Do it now. Make sure that your differences in religious belief is part of it. Take it slow and let things play out.

    I don't doubt your love for him or his for you, but I do doubt his ability to allow his child to grow up and make decisions separate from his religion.

    I am in a mixed marriage and believe love can win out. It is not so easy or innocent as he is letting you believe. Just make sure you set the foundation through counseling and honesty before you take the final vow.

    Best wishes for you and your child. cl

  • greenie

    Wellllll, I've spoken to him some more and it doesn't look like he's giving up his views any time soon. At times I feel strong and like "I can do this" but at others I feel a little down...a lot down, at the situation I've gotten myself into. At the same time, I do love him and I would marry the guy that I've been with this whole time, but that guy is not a JW. I know many of you have said to not marry him, but not marrying him feels like as big of a deal as marrying him would be.

    When we talk about religion, it's like I can never win because I can't quote scripture like him. He says that he gets all his answers from the Bible. I don't know how to explain to him that his answers, although they come from the Bible, lose some validity for me because the men in Bethel were the ones who told him where to look in the Bible for those answers. Ugh.

    Choosing Life - how does your mixed marriage work? Do you have kids?

  • Butterflyleia85

    Over all the negitive on here look at the positive... he prob has a really good heart. He will prob be a good dad as well. For the child, you should do deep research about the religion, I would suggest going to Jehovah's Witness official website to look at their bighter side!! And just from experience of the consiquences of wrong doing as a Jehovah's Witness, I would suggest for him not to get baptised in the religion until you fully understand the commitment. (I'm sure he does) But yeah my cousin is going through the same thing!! They have a son and I wonder if he will be raised as a witness, I dont think his mom wants him to, just as you mentioned you don't want your child to be raised as one.

    As far as congregations yeah I totally understand what you are saying. Not everyone in the halls are the same and they each have their own opinion with what is right or wrong in minor situations but the basic foundation of the beliefs are the same. I would consider studying with one of them and ask questions!

    Congragulations on your baby!

  • jamiebowers

    Listen to Black Sheep. He has stood where you are now standing. In all probability, once you're married, he will also have legal custody of your child. You don't want to get into that fight.

  • startingovernow

    Wow. Please be careful. Even though you might think he agrees to let you live your life the way you want, if he still believes any of JW teachings he will be "head" of the household and over the "spiritual" teaching of the child. Please go out an get yourself a copy of "Crisis of Conscience" and read it with him.

  • startingovernow

    I have to add, please read, "Combatting Cult Mind Control."

  • AK - Jeff
    AK - Jeff

    Welcome, Greenie.

    I did not get to read all the responses. Your scenario, is though, virtually identical to what happened in my family, if you are interested.

    My brother, also a Jw fringe-dweller, married Candice. He told me later, and probably told her too, that he always knew at some point he would become a Jw. In his mid-30's he did become a Jw. An extremely zealous and over-the-top Jw. In short, he became like me, his brother who had chosen to take up Jwism far earlier in life.

    I believe that in many cases, those children of Jw parents [or similar influences] who don't take on the Jw lifestyle until later in life [i.e.; they fornicate, marry 'worldly people', smoke pot, grow facial hair, etc] become almost monstrous in their approach to the religion due to a desire to "show Jehovah' that I am now serious". This is what happened with my brother. He forbad his wife and children [his wife and one of his children were never Jw's - hated the religion in fact] any holidays inside his home. There were no birthday celebrations, no Christmas celebrations, no cigarrettes smoked, no swearing allowed. I am sure that sexual practices outside the Jw accepted ones were over at that point. My brother became a dictator of 'theocratic' rules and regulations as issued by the Governing Body. He became the absolute head of his house, as all Jw husbands are expected to do.

    I recall one time when he and I were discussing our sister who had left the religion several years before. He kept insisting that we, as active Jw's, should take it upon ourselves to 'treat her like she is disfellowshipped', since she was not acting like a Jw anymore. He wanted us to mutually cut her off from our lives. I believe he would have 'turned her in' if he thought that justice would be done that way. That is how twisted the thinking becomes - to the point that one does not retain any idea of personal liberty and freedom - only the cults ideologies matter anymore. Individualism is a hateful idea to Jehovah's witnesses. Anyone not living a Jw uniformity is 'Satanic, evil'. All energy and efforts toward that person is with the idea of 'saving them' from Armageddon, and that can only be done by bringing them into the 'truth' as one of Jehovah's witnesses. If that is not possible, then the bringing of Jwism into their lives as much as possible is what they often do.

    Both toward his wife, and toward his sister, and in matters I have not touched upon here, toward his mother whom he alienated until his death due to her failure to live like a Jw. It's almost like a form of mental illness. Nothing else but jw thinking matters to them.

    This may not happen to your man. But you need to know that it is a real danger. It might.

    My brother was not a bad guy. But he was crippled by Watchtower theology to the point that he could not accept or understand anything outside of that thinking. If anyone had told him that he would do such things, that he would think that way later, he would have blown pot smoke in your face and offered you a beer, saying you had no idea what he was like.

    To make a long one short - his marriage did not last too many years after that. His wife could not take the crap he did. She did not have the right to do her own thing. My brother from her standpoint, made life unbearable. She did not leave because of him. SHe left because of his religious zeal. On the day we buried him, she cried her eyes out. She loved him as much as any woman I ever knew loved a man. But her life was turned inside out by his demanding nature, brought on by his demanding religion. He tried to 'make up' to God for all his shortcomings by following the 'letter of the law', which was of course really just the letter of the Watchtower.

    My brother is now gone. I feel a bit badly speaking of him in this way. He was a very good soul. But now matter how good, one who falls under the mind control of this cult will act as this cult expects one to act.

    Your life will be severly affected if he becomes a Jw - especially I suspect if he becomes one early in life.

    Just my two cents. Welcome.



  • greenie

    Thanks very much for your responses.

    Jeff - I appreciate the time you took to write yours. If it's not too painful to ask, how long was it after your brother and sil's divorce that he passed away? How did the child(ren) fair in the divorce? You say one was never a JW, but what about the other kids? How did that work?

    SON - I doubt he would read that book with me because he currently doesn't think there's a thing wrong with his organization.

    I know you all probably understand and have heard this, but he is such a good guy. I mean, he's great. I wouldn't have fallen in love with him if he wasn't. We are going to go to counselling before the marriage and if it looks like this is something that can't be worked out, I doubt we'll rush into getting married. I'm most mad at myself because I've always been VERY careful about marriage and partners, etc. having seen the effects of love gone wrong on other members of my family, but the one time I let myself get swept away...well, you already know how it's turned out. And let me say, I am so joyous to have my baby. I love the baby so much.

  • choosing life
    choosing life


    Let me say congrats on your new baby. It was shortly after I had my first child that I became a jw. Why? I wanted a good way to raise my child and my hubby wanted to be a jw.

    I had doubts along the way, but always suppressed them. I raised all my children in the religion.

    Today, I have grown children (time goes fast), some are jws and some are not. Because of the rules of this religion, some of my kids will not have any relationship with the others.

    It makes for a very uncomfortable life. The whole family can never get together at the same time. Sometimes I feel like I am living in two different worlds.

    If someone would have told me that my family would be split like this years ago when I held that first beautiful child, I would not have believed them.

    I am still married and still love my husband. He still believes in "the truth". We work it out, but there is always that difference in belief and certain subjects we mostly just don't talk about.

    I was once where you are now. If I could change one thing, I would have prevented this division in my family.

    Your baby's father is no doubt a wonderful guy, but make sure what you want for your child. Set some ground rules and don't just go along with the flow. This is not like other Christian religions. It has the ability to divide families for life.

    Enjoy that baby and good luck to you whatever you decide is best for you and your child. cl

  • greenie

    CL - Sorry for all the follow up, but how would you have prevented this division?

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